My fingers rubbed the soft fur of my sweet dog as she stared up at me with those big puppy eyes. The cold air bit at my arms as I said some last words,
"You know, Lou... we're all going to miss you. Somehow you've wiggled your way deep into our hearts. I never forget this goofy look you always had on your face, or the way you were always there to slobber on my hand and let me know that I was loved. But I know it's selfish of me to miss you, because you'll soon be in a place where you can run like you used to, and be warm for the winter, and be your younger self again. But sometimes it'll be hard not to have a dog out here with smiling eyes and not a care in the world to come and scratch on the particularly lonely days."
It was hard to leave her side. Feeling her fur for the last time I muttered, "I love you." With my backpack slung over my shoulder, I turned from her pen and after a few steps, looked back at her figure leaned up against the fence. My heart pounded in my chest. "Goodbye Laika."
My mom stood in the doorway to the garage. As soon as we caught eye of each other we both began to sob. We got in the car to head off to the Jr. High, both sniffling and wiping tears from our eyes all the while..
My Dad was never really that close to Laika. But he went out into her pen and knelt down on the ground beside her and, as he phrases it, "cried like a baby."
Later that day about about noon Janell and my mom went to the vet. Janell held her precious dog as they gave her the medication and layed Laika down in her lap and watched her take her last breaths. Even after her heart stopped beating Janell held her in her arms for a while. In the end they just had to leave Laika there on the floor of the empty room.
To the very last day Laika had that dorky dog smile on her face and a happy heart. We all miss her and are grateful for the opportunity to have owned and loved this marvelous dog for the ten years it lasted.
"Get over him."
"He's just a stupid boy."
"You never really knew him."
I was growing tired of these lines over and over. No one ever understood. It was a little thing, but for me, it was so much bigger than that. I'm a dreamer. I create worlds for myself. I created this fantasy for myself... The high fives, the smiles, the stops at my locker, it was all part of this big daydream. And when he left, it was just that much more devestating. People are always saying it wasn't really a big deal, as if expecting me to drop it and move on. I have been moving on, but slower than I would a stubbed toe.
But today was a big turning point. A big realization to who he really is. An alarm waking me from my slumber and my dreams. I found out he was talking about me behind my back. Telling people I was a stalker, and teasing this other guy for liking someone like me. Finding this information before would have brought me to tears, but my heart swelled up not into my eyes, but into my head.
In my moments of annoyance, he happened to say hello to me on Gmail. I confronted him about his actions and he began respond with short replies such as "ok" and "yeah" as I asked him to not turn into a jerk and to keep rude opinions to himself. He said he was sorry but I knew he wasn't, and I was too outraged to care even if he was.
He's selfish, he's inconsiderate, and he's proud of it. If that's who he wants to be that's fine with me, I just don't have to be a part of it anymore. I don't have to sit and cry every time someone brings him up. I don't have to think of him in every song I listen to.
The pavement was cold against me as I sat on the ground.
"Tell me what's wrong."
Paisley sat on the ground next to me, looking into my eyes. She could tell all day something was not right and brought me outside at lunch to talk.
As I told her about all that was bothering me, I was quickly brought to tears. She urged me to go on and I choked out a long list of the things that seemed to be going terribly wrong in my life. Near the end she said something about a boy and I began to sob. I leaned up against her and she held me and let me cry the rest of the time.
Lunch ended and I trudged down the hall, my eyes and face red and blotchy. People looked at me with strange espressions on their faces. During all of last period people were asking me what was wrong. I told them I had just been talking about some bad memories and they sort of shrugged it off after giving me several hugs.
I got home that day hoping things to be going uphill, but it didn't get better with the news about this girl. The journey with our dear Laika Lou is coming to a close. She's being put down this Tuesday.
I know she'll be happier in a place where she can run and play again, but the hardest thing thing to ever say to someone is goodbye.
Saturday we held a baby shower for my sister and it was my mom's birthday. We wanted it to be a happy day but we soon found out my mom's step dad fell and broke his hip. He already has lung cancer and now he's expected to die this week.
The world is crumbling around me all over again, but faster and harder than it was before.
Back during spring break of seventh grade, a lot of stuff happened. This guy told something to people when he promised he wouldn't tell anyone. It hurt a lot. These were the days when _____ was still there for me, and he got mad at the kid and told him to "lay off Tessa because she's my friend and I won't have a jerk like you treating her like this." This experience brought my closer to _____ and farther away from the other boy. This other boy had a crush on me, so it was really hard for him.
The other day we were talking and he said, "I wish I could delete April 10, 11, and 12. I am just so mad at myself for it."
I thought about this and said, "But it strengthened my relationship with _____. We didn't last, but those were the best days of my entire life.
...The days with him in them.
Everything happens for a reason. If spring break didn't happen I wouldn't have learned how to truely love or forgive. And if _____ and I hadn't become that much stronger I would have never been heartbroken BUT if I had never been heartbroken I never would have learned how to let go, even when it's hard.
Or how to pray with all of my heart and mind.
Or how to turn to the people around me for comfort and know that they are always there.
And I wouldn't have met Paisley.
That's why spring break had to happen to me. I don't know about you, but for me, spring break HAD to happen, because everything happens for a reason and every trial teaches you something and makes you a stronger person."
It was quiet for a while and I got off the computer. Hours later I found this message from him. "Thank you sooooooo much! You completely made my day! You were so right, I needed to think about that, and now I don't feel so mad at myself anymore! Never forget how much you have changed mine and other peoples lives!"
Sometimes it's nice to know that I can lift people up with words and help them to learn from not only their experiences, but mine too.
Today I was kind of having a hard day. I came home and was talking to my friend on the phone as she started listening to a song. I asked her what it was, looked it up on YouTube, and the next thing I knew I was listening to it... over and over and over again. I fell in love with it. It's such a cute song that makes me think of so many different wonderful people in my life.
"Give me more lovin' than I've ever had,
Make it all better when I'm feelin' sad,
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not,
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, barely gettin' mad,
I'm so glad I found you; I love bein' around you.
You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2-- 1, 2, 3, 4.
There's only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you-- I love you.
There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that's what I'll do-- I love you.
Give me more lovin' from the very start,
Piece me back together when I fall apart,
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends.
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, best that I've had,
I'm so glad I found you, I love bein' around you.
You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2-- 1, 2, 3, 4
There's only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you-- I love you
There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that's what I'll do-- I love you."
--"1, 2, 3, 4" by The Plain White T's
Once upon a time back when I turned twelve I joined Young Women. None of the girls knew me because I was the only one in the lower grade due to the age difference. I had no friends and always sat alone. The only thing I was excited for was for my younger friends to come in six months later.
My birthday is three weeks from today and the first Sunday of December. Which means I'll be fourteen and moving to Mia Maids. Which I am terrified for. I'll be leaving all of my Beehives to hang out with the bunch I had no friends in at the beginning of my Young Women experience. My Beehives have become the little sisters I never had. I've been the oldest all year, and they've all looked up to me and clung onto me. I don't know what I'll be without them, all I know is that I won't feel accepted in Mia Maids like I did in Beehives.
I think the only thing that will keep be alive will be my Mia Maid leader, Sister Ige. She is such a strength to me and has been a friend ever since she moved into my neighborhood. It'll be fun to have her, but I'll sure miss my little sisters.
I sat in the wooden rocking chair in my living room, looking out the window at the rustling orange and gold leaves. I thought about the day's events quietly to myself as the wind blew outside. I imagined it flowing through my hair, separating each strand, giving life to it's dead state. I combed my fingers through it as it draped down over my shoulders providing warmth to my neck.
He said he was sorry.
And this whole time, I've been sorry too. But I realize that it was all a crazy misunderstanding. We were both confused and never meant to hurt each other. But I let my insecurities blind me and I was broken by the simple things. I think we are both feeling a lot better now, but I know there is no going back to the way things were before. You can break something and glue the pieces back together, but it will always have a few cracks in it.
Though it does feel nice to know that I'm not hated, judged, but... forgiven. Oh, the feeling of being rid of your mistakes. It's priceless. It's a rush that tingles through you, cleansing you of all you regreted. It's almost like the wind blowing through your hair giving it life again, giving it freedom.
A breeze rushed through the hallways as a flood of boys raced out of the P.E. to go to lunch. I was cruising my way to my locker with my friend when a boy ran strait into me and we both fell down. I wasn't hurt in any way, just surprised and looked over to see who is was. He gave me a creepy look and a "Hey" before getting up and running off down the hall.
The rest of the day was mostly normal. After school I trudged outside onto the wet hill by the side of the school where I'm usually picked up. I heard a familiar voice say my name. I glanced down the hill to my left and there stood Ansalee Morrison, back from her month vacation in Italy. I ran down the hill and almost slid into her. She almost fell over as I attacked her with a big bear hug.
"You're back!!!!!!!!!" I pointed out.
"Yep!" she smiled and my other friends began to gather around her, asking questions and giving her hugs. I soon spied my carpool and had to leave the circle of excitement.
Type... delete. Type... delete. My mind is officially blank.
This has been a loooong week. Every day seemed to drone on and on and on and on......
It was like a neverending mess of blah. School included scowls, essays, fainting, and a lot of other dramatic goings-on with all of the crazy boys and emotional girls. Every hour of the day teased me as the hands on the clock seemed to freeze up and every minute was like a year.. Full of mystery and wonderings about what the future holds.
But today in Young Womens we had a wonderful lesson on optimism. We started out with a silent quiz:
1. Do you often have a gloomy expression on your face? Hmm.. Not really.
2. Do you forget the many good things on your life and overemphasize the few things you lack? For this one I'd have to say yes.
3. Do you feel sorry for yourself? At some times more than others.
4. Do you think more of yourself than others? I don't think so.
5. Do you think you have too much to do? Is that a trick question?
6. Do you expect things to go wrong in your life? I guess you might as well be prepared for all of the stupid things that are most likely going to happen to you... right? No wait, just kidding.. OPTIMISM, Tessa. Op-ti-mis-m.
7. Do you blame others for your moods and behaviors? Do hormones count?
8. Do you think life has been unfair to you? It really depends on the day.
I didn't really Ace the quiz. It's been a hard week, but there are people with bigger problems than me. And things are definately getting better.
So there it is.. My pathetic excuse for a blog post.(:
This is the 100th post on my blog... I'm officially a blog addict. And ironically, I never journal.
Well, I guess I'll make this post the story of my blog.
It all started with my mom. In my very first post it says, "My mom loves reading blogs. Almost everyday she sifts through all of the blogs in our Favorites list, reading all of the different lectures and stories. I started reading these blogs as well. Now I love reading blogs."
I soon became excited about the idea and wanted a blog of my own. I figured I love writing and taking pictures, so it all works out, right? As I was attempting to some up with a name from my blog, I thought of being a teenager and all of the drama that follows.. I guess "Daily Drama" just kind of came to me.
My first month of blogging in March I had three posts, making a commitment to post every weekend. It was a total of five posts in April and about the same routine. I soon started writing more often, whenever I had a thought. October's posts added quickly up to 22...
But I feel blogging has been a good experience for me. Sometimes it's hard to let it all out, and it's nice to have this "online journal" where people can share my thoughts and feelings. My first expressive post was about walking. I brought my readers on a walk with me to Canyon View over spring break when I was feeling slightly "school sick." I continued to express myself with words through various posts such as "Finding Me."
I showed my blog to a couple of my closest friends and also some women from my ward. As time went on, my friends would show Daily Drama to their friends, and so on. Now I've met new people by them coming up to me in the halls and saying, "Oh! I read your blog!" I feel so famous!
Overall, "The Drama" (as Mom calls it) has been a success and a amazing and fun experience. Thanks to all of you wonderful readers out there, whether you are a neighbor, friend, or schoolmate. You are all wonderful people to keep coming back to this crazy dramatic mess we call Daily Drama.
"I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich." --Dan Wilcox
"Truely great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."
"We are supposed to be happy, 'for men are that they might have joy.'"
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams-- this may be madness; to see treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all-- to see life as it is and not what it should be."