Sometimes when I walk home from school, when I get to the sidewalk in front of my house, where I know the steps to my front door by heart, I close my eyes. With my eyes closed my senses are sharpened. I see shadows dance on my eyelids. I hear leaves crunch under my feet and hummed tune that's been in my head all day. It's as if I can feel the air on my skin and pinpoint every ray of sun that touches me. And for a few short moments, I forget everything and just feel.
And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do. I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.
Today I am happy.
I just wanted to say that because I always post on my blog when I'm sad and rarely when I'm happy.
And do get sad a lot, but I also have many happy moments. I don't live my life in the pit of despair, don't worry. :)
I just had a really good week.
And this weekend I had a sleepover with Ale and we watched the One Direction Tour DVD and had a photoshoot and ate lots of bacon.
And I don't know, I'm just having one of those rare days where I feel cool and funny and pretty and happy.
I like it.
Today is a good day.
"Are you coming??" he texted me.
"I'm on my way."
I was excited to see him at the football game--my school against his. I had been waiting to see him ever since we started becoming friends again. I wasn't exactly sure what my feelings for him were, but I was sure that seeing him again would help me figure them out. I had spent a countless amount of time fantasizing what the first time seeing him after the summer would be like. It was always dramatic and involved a hug and some sort of inspirational one-liner. Then we had planned to sit together in the bleachers.
Well, we hugged.
Then I ran away.
. . .Yeah, you heard that right.
Everything had been leading up to that moment. That moment I had imagined that our eyes would sparkle and my heart would jump and that dramatic one-liner would make history. But I saw him, and we stood there for probably two minutes, and I had a really cruel reality check: it wasn't real. I mean, I was there, and he was there. But all of my fantasizing and conversation script-writing had turned him into someone he wasn't in that lovely mind of mine. What I had re-imagined him to be, and what he actually is, were completely different people.
When I saw him in that plaid shirt that he was always obsessed with, I remembered who he is, and why we stopped being friends in the first place.
So I ran away. I told him to sit in his bleachers and I would sit in mine. I had to face it; we live in different worlds now.
Our team lost 14-47.
I saw him one more time that night. Neither of us said a word.
Not in that I have a big nose, but in the sense that whenever he complains and says, "Aw man, my nose is HUGE," his friends probably say, "You're nose isn't huge... you're perfect!"
When really... his nose IS huge. And he's NOT perfect. And to him (and to me), it all seems like a big lie.
But today I realized something. You may have a big nose, or cankles, or acne, or frizzy hair, or invisible eyelashes, or bushy eyebrows, or hairy arms, or crooked teeth. And you may be too fat or too skinny, or too short or too tall. But that doesn't mean you're not beautiful. It doesn't mean you're not great and awesome and wonderful. Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you're not beautiful.
I used to not have any secrets. But it seems in the past couple years secrets and knowledge of secrets keep piling on. Last week at a sleepover at Ally's house, I was feeling a little out of sorts, and I ended up in this rant about something super personal. It's something I NEVER talk about. EVER. It's practically my dirty little secret. After I stopped crying, calmed down, and realized what I had just told her... I was afraid she would never think of me the same. "Please never mention this again..." I said awkwardly. And that was it.
But ever since then I've been thinking a lot about secrets. And today when I was secretly texting someone, they admitted they had one, but they wouldn't tell me what it was. It was unsettling. It was one of those secrets that knowing it was life and death for me. I asked to know, and I didn't even pressure them about it, but they still wouldn't tell me. In fact, this person just stopped replying to my texts altogether. I have a feeling they'll never tell me. I also have a feeling I won't sleep well tonight.
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me, And you make everything alright. And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me, And I can always find my way when you are here.
I have a few things I could be blogging about.
But the only thing I really want to blog about... the only thing I've thought about today... is something I can't really post.
Sorry peeps. I'll come up with something.
I was thirteen. He sat next to me in Health class in seventh grade. Back then I avoided eye contact with most people, but he never wasted a moment that he could be staring at me. He used to tell me my hair smelled good, and he got jealous and stormed off whenever he saw me looking at my crush. I thought he was insane.
But that's how it was back then. I'll be sixteen in two months. People don't act like that anymore.
"I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich." --Dan Wilcox
"Truely great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."
"We are supposed to be happy, 'for men are that they might have joy.'"
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams-- this may be madness; to see treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all-- to see life as it is and not what it should be."