Sitting Next to Him

School went mostly well. I wandered through my classes with him and many other friends. Fourth period I went to a meeting-type thing introducing the fine arts program. I had already been to it earlier in choir, but B4 I was a teacher aide for the art teacher.

I arrived in the room to find some people from different classes already there. I saw him sitting in the back of his group, no one talking with him or sitting by him. This is a golden opportunity to sit next to him, I thought, and threw myself on the ground next to him. We exchanged breif glances. It was quiet between us. I soon decided to say something, and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was rather shallow and dumb. He chuckled anyway, commented, and it was soon silent again.

Throughout the presentation I felt so strange sitting on the floor next to him like that. It wasn't assigned, I hadn't planned it ahead, I just sat down. I tried not to look at his face, seeing as it would be painfully obvious, so I looked to the carpet where lay my foot next to his. I studied the differences in our Converse distractedly. After a while the activity was over and I looked over at his face once again. I said something else rather pitiful and left the room.

I hope I'm not annoying.

Shout Outs

Well one of my school buddies asked when my next blog post would be. I said, "Well I wrote one yesterday and the day before that." Her reply was, "I already read those, I stalk your blog and I love it so much." I sat up a bit in my chair. Oh, well I'm deeply flattered, I thought. Thanks Katie Crawley for being a great blog stalker! And I have a few more shout outs to some of my other followers...

Thanks Rebekah Williams for attacking me at my locker! It surprised me but it made me feel so special and loved! Your blog is wonderful, and you are so creative and awesome!

And thank you to Mindy Ige, who I saw three times yesterday, and every time she's say, "Hello beautiful girl!" I love you so much and I love your hugs, they're the best ever!

Thank you Lindsey Francom for all of the thoughtful comments that are left on my silly posts! You give such great advice and I'm happy to have you as a Beehive leader!

Also thanks to Mom, Kayla, Amaya Bickmore, Claire Jenkins, Nicole Love, Aunt Jolene, Alissa Huntsman, and all of my other faithful readers! I love you guys!

Second Day of School!!!

Being a B day, I knew it was going to be amazing the second I walked in the doors. I put away my backpack and once the bell rang I walk briskly down the halls to History.

Jordyn and I walked in and I sat down. I turned around and-- "AHH! IT'S _____!"
Jordyn giggled at me with her usual line of "Oh my gosh Tessa you're so obsessed."
We were seated in our new seating chart where I was relatively close to him. After class I stopped him just outside the door.
"Hey _____, is it okay if Ansalee and I come sit with you at lunch?"
"Yeah I don't know where I'm sitting yet, though."
"We'll find you."
"Yeah that'd be great."

I walked off to Treble Trios (my advanced girls choir class) feeling proud of myself. I did it, I thought, I talked to him without prompting!
I arrived in class and was quickly greeted by Ansalee, Ally, Jordyn, Sarah, Claire, Rebekah, Amaya, and a lot of others. I know a billion people in choir!
Apparently I was assigned to be a second alto, the lowest part. I can't even sing that low! I thought I was going to be in the middle, but I guess not...
We sat in our seats and soon I felt fingers running through my hair. I took no thought of it, I'm used to people playing with my hair. But after a few minutes the girl said, "I hope you're Shelisa."
I tilted my head back, "Nope."
"Ahh! I'm so sorry! I thought you were someone else!" She then stopped touching my hair.

Next period was English. This used to be my favorite class last year. I walked in and found my assigned seat. He was sitting up in the corner in the front two rows away from me. At least we weren't accross the classroom like last year. The period went by slowly and rather quietly. Finally the bell rang and we went to lunch.

I first went to the bathroom, and then I had to go get my lunch from my locker. There's this thing called the "blue line" that you aren't allowed to pass during lunchtime. ...Eighth grade lockers are behind the blue line. I went up to the lady, "Uhh... can I go to my locker?"
"NO, I GAVE YOU GUYS LIKE SEVEN MINUTES TO PUT AWAY YOUR BOOKS."
I walked off shyly. When I arrived near the lunchroom, Ansalee asked, "Where's your lunch??"
"In my locker... past the blue line."
"Well did you tell her your lunch was in your locker? You need a lunch!"
"No, it's okay, I'm fine."
"We're going back over there." She dragged me over to the lady. "She needs her lunch."
The woman looked at us. "I thought she was putting away her books."
Ansalee almost scolded the evil lady. "She needs her lunch and to put away her books."
So I went to my locker and did my stuff before hurrying away from the evil lady so she couldn't glare at me.

We walked into the lunchroom. It was crouded with people. Ansalee said to me, "Well, I guess you should find him."
I was slightly confused, "Well you know what he looks like, too."
"Yes, but you've trained your eyes to see him anywhere."
"I do not-- Oh look, there he is!!!"
We strolled over to his table and sat down. I was happy to be there. I smiled at the boys and Jordyn, Ansalee, and I sat down accross the table. We ate our food but Jordyn took like three years to eat and by the time she was finished he and the boys had left, along with half of the lunchroom.

Next period was Teacher Aide. I chose to aide the art teacher, Ms. Wilhelm. I walked in her classroom. "Hey Tess, how are ya doing?" Ms. Wilhelm smiled at me and guided me to the beck of the class where I had the "Labby Corner" that had a big comfy chair if I wanted to hang out back there. I did for a while before ditching my fluffy chair to sit by my friend Claire.

I got out of class and was at my locker when I heard a voice behind my shoulder. It scared my for a moment before I realized it was Rebekah! I love that girl! She talked to me for a little while and soon I was out of the doors of Canyon View, looking forward to some more amazing B days.

School, Here We Come!

Yeahh, you got it, school starts tomorrow. I've done all of the shopping, gotten a blessing, picked out outfits/jewelry, and prepared my binders. This year is going to be beast. I just know it.

Oh yes, and here are my shoes.

Heh, heh. I have Converse. Yes, it's true.

But anyway, yesterday I went to the school open house and visited my teachers and classes. I filled my locker with my magnets and stuff. I'm SO ready!!! It's going to be so weird to see people after three months! Wish me luck! ((:

Two Special Friends

One of my very first childhood memories was when little Alisa Camille Cox was born back in April of 2002. She was the new little sister of my three-year-old friend Hannah. Whenever we asked Camille who her best friend was, she'd say "Tessa!"

Millie soon joined our group. I have so many memories of adventures with my girlies, Hannah and Millie. We used to make up games and run around the yard.We'd hide in the tube slide at the park and roll down the hill. We laughed until out stomachs hurt and our eyes grew watery. We would paint our toenails matching colors.We used to dance to CD's in the playroom on the multicolored floor. We'd build forts out of pillows and blankets and do plays with the puppets. We went swimming at the Scera pool and the girls would hold on to my shoulders as I walked them around the lazy river.

Every single day after my homework was finished I skipped across the street to the Coxes' house. I could have described every room of the entire house to you in detail.

One day at the beginning of sixth grade, Sister Cox said she doubted the three of us would still be friends when I was in Jr. High. I held Millie, who sat on my lap and said, "Of course not, we'll always be together." When someone asked who some of my best friends were I'd say "Hannah and Millie!"

Well, sixth grade progressed and weird things started happening to both my body and my state of mind. Sometimes I would have to go home to take care of feminine hygiene, or sometimes I'd be laying in my yard, depressed and hating myself. The girls never could understand what I was experiencing, seeing as they were two and five years younger than me.

That summer after sixth grade my cousins came to live with us temporarily. Hannah and Millie soon discovered my cousin, Haley, and they all became buds from the start. I, on the other hand, was excluded from the group. There were days I'd cry watching my cousin with my two best friends jumping on my trampoline out the kitchen window. The hormones and depression were getting to me. I was really stressed out having so many people living in my house.

The end of November came and I waved a sad goodbye to my cousins. But even after they left, something had changed that summer, and I never spent time with Hannah and Camille Cox again.

I thought friendships like that were supposed to last...

Priesthood Blessings

As we sat down in our dining room after church for lunch, my parents and sister were havng a conversatinon on the lessons they had in High Priest Group and Relief Society. They talked about priesthood blessings. They said that there are two important things in a priesthood blessing. The first is your faith and willingness to overcome whatever trial you happen to be receiving the blessing for. But biggest factor is the will of the Lord. He always gets the last vote (kind of like a mother, if that helps you to imagine it). 

He knows what's really best for us. Sometimes it's just not what we desire in the moment. I think a lot of people struggle with this. We just need to stop and realize that everything happens for a reason, and we need to stay strong and make the very best of the things we have.

I'm kind of nervous to get my back-to-school-blessing tomorrow. I'm afraid the blessing won't say what I feel is best for me... but deep down I know it's not about what I want, but what will help me to grow into a virtuous woman someday. This year will be a new year. I can feel it. And I'm not going to stop trying to lift people and keep my surroundings appropriate.

I have faith my dad will be prompted by the spirit for the things I need to hear.

Everything is Art

I love art. I feel like I have a need to express myself, whether it's in word, or pictures, or drawings... it just depends on the day. But you think about it, and it seems everything can be looked at as an art. Sports are an art. Music is an art. Writing is an art. You name it, and there's probably a way to see it as an art. Art is everywhere!

But today's spotlight on art is drawing. I think everyone has had those days where you feel like you have absolutely nothing to do at all. I know I have, that's where these came from...

A bit of "modern art."

Cartoon Animals

I know, I know... don't say anything.

When you're missing that certain someone...

Maybe if you're feeling really random, you might do this:

This would be a garden gnome.

My first Sharpie-collage.

My first mosaic.

My first painting.

You might be feeling spiritual.

Ugly scriptures...........

Podium:

Next time you're bored out of your mind, find your style of art. It really is entertaining.

Paralysis

Today Laika went to the vet. We found out that the reason she has trouble walking is not hip dysplasia, but paralysis. There's a tumor or something in her back that compressed nerves causing her hind legs to be paralyzed. The good thing is that she feels no pain, and even though a bit crippled, she's our same painless happy dog.That's why her legs don't function correctly. 

Janell says, "The vet said he really doesn't know how she stands at all, most dogs in her condition wouldn't even try, she's got no concept of where her legs are in space and that she is probably only still moving out of sheer determination. There is no medication to give her because she is not hurting. And since she is still happy and interested in life and will keep getting up, and can eliminate by herself, I feel and the vet feels that it is not yet time to put her down. The only thing left is to keep her comfortable and love her."

Wow. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if people were like dogs. Laika can't even feel her back legs, and yet every day she gets up and walks. Even though she's an animal, I'm still so inspired by her strength and courage. She never stops working and always does what's right. She's an amazing and obedient dog, no matter how her legs work.

In my heart she will always be a member of our family. When they say "families are forever" does that include your dog?

Before and After

I once had a before and after post, which I quickly deleted after deciding the "Before" picture was much too hideous to be seen by others. Hopefully this time the "After" picture can add a bit of redemption to the horrendous image of the "Before."

Preparing for this post, I was looking through pictures of myself. I noticed two in which I am wearing the same shirt and decided that would be kind of fun.

We have this.

I have two words: BUSHY and EYEBROWS. Then, of course, we have this whole ponytail thing going on. Ponytails... *shudder* I look perfectly terrible without my hair down. Just saying.

Then we have this.

Not near perfect, but better. And happier.

Let's see another.

Uhm... yeah. I'm sorry if you just threw up in your mouth a little bit.

But after a flat iron, tweezers, make-up, and hairpins, this happens.

Better yet?

Seventh grade is a crazy time of your life. I walked in those school doors only wanting it to be over. I walked out a new me, and impatient for it to start again. Happy Canyon View registration!

My Crazy Dog

My parents didn't want a pet, but Janell did. So when out neighbor's dog had puppies, Janell was determined to have one. Mom and Dad agreed as long as Janell paid all of the dog expenses and took care of the dog on her own.

Janell and her faithful friend Laika had many adventures together. Janell would often go rollerblading while holding the leash. The next thing you knew, she was speeding down the street being pulled by slobbering dog.

Laika was trained and learned many interesting techniques. She could high-five, roll over, sit, stay, lay down, shake hands, crawl, and other silly tricks.

When Janell moved out Laika went with her. On the days she had no one to talk to, there was always her happy dog to attack her with affectionate licks on the face.

Janell later moved back home and Laika was put back in her pen. Our funny friend was growing old, ten years to be precise, and she was cursed with a hip disease. Laika is part Lab, part Boxer, and part German Shepard. German Shepards often have hip problems at about this age. Now when she walks she looks more like a drunken man than a once-hyper puppy. Every day her legs seem to get worse.

Laika loved to run. Whenever she was let out of her pen, she'd run circles around the yard and sprint up to whichever human was currently in the yard with her and try to jump on top of them to the point they were laying on their backs in the grass giggling their heads off. That, or screaming.

Now Laika's pathetic attempts to run or even jog are heartbreaking. She stumbles around before collapsing on the ground and grinning up at you with her usual happy-dog smile. Whenever she has a scratch on her ear, she can no longer reach up with her back leg, but bends in half trying to do so before deciding it's a feeble idea and just rolls around making weird noises...

We now often find Laika laying in the corner of her pen, tucked up against a tree. She lays in the shade for hours, getting up to use the bathroom or take a drink.

Even though she started as unwanted by my parents, she's licked and jumped her way into our hearts. She's a sweet dog that loves everyone and is still a puppy at heart. I dread the day we'll have to say goodbye, but for now I'll just enjoy my crazy dog.

The World Didn't End

Right when it seemed life was over and only sadness lay ahead, things took a sudden turn and now I'm sitting here wondering. Wondering how beautiful the near future will be, wondering how we could have avoided this all together, wondering why there are so many trials put in front of righteous people. But I guess what's really important is now, and how we can make every second the best we can. If we were constantly thinking about making the right decisions, there would be no such thing as regret.

Along with thinking about the present, also think about eternity. Will your choices you're making today make you happy for a few days, or happy forever?

One of my Beehive leaders is always telling me I'm mature for my age. My brain doesn't just figure stuff out, I learn by example of others. The lessons we learn through hard times are preparing us for a better future. As someone once said, "You'll turn into a person who is used to having struggles so when they hit you you'll be prepared for them." I know this is true. And even though during the sad days we don't realize it, later you can sit down and think about how things are better due to that event.

Whether today was hard, yesterday was worse, or tomorrow will be awful, it doesn't matter as long as you're living life to it's purest quality. Life isn't over. In fact, the world didn't end for me.

"Where Can I Turn For Peace?"

"Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?"

--Second verse, Hymn #129

Yeah. That's how I feel right now. It's the sickening feeling where you want to cry but the tears don't come, and instead your sadness swallows you whole and leaves you stranded in the pit of despair. I know, optimistic.

But my heart hurts. I can feel it kind of physically and emotionally. When I lay down at night I can feel the beats against my chest as I ask in my head, "Who, who can understand?"

It seems everything around me is crumbling. No one is happy. Where can I turn for peace?

The Metaphors of Life

There are days I wake up in the morning and feel a certain happiness throughout everything I do. Others I roll out of bed feeling like I don't even belong in my own world.

Metaphorically speaking, a roller coaster wouldn't be very exciting if you were going in a straight line. In order to make a roller coaster worth while, it has ups and downs, plummets and turns.I guess that's how life is. You have to be sad to feel happy. You have to be resented to feel love.

I once heard a story of a girl who was having a hard day when she went into the kitchen where her mother was baking a cake. She said, "Here, have some flour." The girl was disgusted and declined. "How about some raw eggs?" the mother inquired. The girl was confused in why she was to eat something of such a distasteful sort. The mother then explained that even though the ingredients alone aren't very good, that when they mix together, they make a delicious cake.

But what happens when you use the wrong ingredients? Today it looks like I'm going to have one horrendous cake.

On Tuesday my family thought I was lost due to my lack of communication. I wonder what would have happened if I really was kidnapped and dead in a dumpster somewhere. Would I be happier to be done with this confusing and hard earth life? Would people miss me? It's questions like these that get your head spinning around.

Returning Home

I just recently got back from a crazy adventure affectionately called "Boy Deprivation Camp." Well, I think most people prefer to call it "Girls Camp," but it's pretty much the same thing, right?

I arrived at the stake center and waited for my mother to pick me up. I was greeted by Janell and the first thing I said to her was, "Do ya wanna carry my suitcase?" I know, I'm a charming sister.
When I saw my mother walking towards me with open arms I realized how dirty I was with one look at her well-kept hair and clean clothes. I was wearing dirty sweat pants, a T-shirt, and my hair was in two thick ponytails resting on my shoulders. She hugged me to the point of not breathing before she stepped back to look me over. She scowled at my sweat pants and I hopped in the front seat of the car.
"I have a surprise for you...!" Mom teased.
"MY SCHEDULE?!?!??!" I panted, "Did you get it?!?!?!?!!"
"No..." Mom said with a smile, "This." She pulled out my beautiful purple iPod nano. I was dissappointed I didn't get my schedule, but happy to have my music once again. I touched the wheel of my iPod and the screen lit up... to my favorite song!!! I threw my earbuds in my ears and listened to the rumbling drums and the heavenly voice of Bruno Mars. A grin crept up my dirt-streaked face as we drove down the road in our comfortable and clean mini-van.

We stepped into my house through the garage door and my eleven-year-old brother, Braden, shot up the stairs. "TESSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he grabbed me and gave me a giant, tight hug. I looked up at him. He had a fohawk! I smiled, "You're a cutie with a fohawk." Instantly he offered to make me lunch. I gladly allowed him and  went downstairs to unpack.

I soon was upstairs in the bathroom soaking in the bath after a shower while my iPod sang from the speaker I set up accross from the tub. I sang, shaved my legs, scrubbed my hair, and washed myself blissfully.
When I was finished, I wrapped myself in a towel, opened the bathroom door, and peered down the stairs. "Dang," I mumbled. One of Dad's old mission companions sat on our living room couch. "I can't go down there," I said to myself, "I have no clothing on..." I glanced back at my dirty clothes. With a sigh I put them back on. "I'll shower again tonight," I thought and darted down the stairs.
When I reached the wood floor, I looked in the living room and almost died. Apparently Dad's friend brought his son along. And he was attractive. And I was wearing dirty clothes with messy, wet hair. All heads turned to me. Mom explained to the dude that I had just gotten back from girls camp. I answered their questions quietly. Dad introduced me to the guy and his son. With a thumbs-up I said, "Fun stuff..." before racing down the stairs.

This has been a weird, weird, weekend...