Moods These Days

I was having a really hard time lately. I got to the point that I cried myself to sleep last night, listening to the song "Pieces" by Rascal Flatts. Story of my life.

So I go to school and a girl in my History class noticed my frown and baggy eyes. Her name is Paisley King. She sat down next to me, gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. She is such an awesome person and I absolutely love her. So the rest of the day was a bit better, but I was still feeling rather down.

When I got home from school my friend Madi Reinhard called me. "Are you coming to the volleyball game?"
"Uhhh.... no. I'm horrible at volleyball."
"You better come!"
"No."
"YES!"
"Fine!"

I arrived at the stake center and entered the gym. Madi and Ally ran to me and gave me big hugs and explained, several times, how happy they were that I was there. My mood went up some more as I talked with my friends. I sat down on the stage. I met three new people from a different ward and they were all so nice and amazing.

My turn to serve was coming up. I was so stressed out I was going to mess up and people would be upset at me like they were in seventh grade P.E. The other team was winning 25-21. I stepped up to the line, swung my arm, and the ball flew through the air. It soared over the net and right into the middle of the players on the other team. She scrambled for it and missed. People gave me high-fives and smiles of all sorts. After four more serves and four more points we won the game.

I beamed as people gathered around me. No one knew I could do something like that, and I didn't either. We were all so happy and my smile covered half of my face. Another girl came up behind me and asked my name. We introduced ourselves and she complimented my "beautiful hair." I told her that she was wonderful and made me really happy before leaving the gym.

Moods can really turn around these days.

A Day at the Mall

Ally and I went to the mall today... for like three hours. We walked into Icing to look at accessories. (Just in case any of you didn't know I LOOOOVE accessories! But alas, being the poor thirteen-year-old that I am, I seem to have a lack thereof.) Well, after babysitting some angelic children a couple weeks ago, I happened to earn a bit of money and it was burning a whole in my pocket.

I approach the back wall, covered in headbands. I walked back and forth, trying on headbands of all sorts. I finally decided on a turquoise headband with a little bow on the side. I approach the counter.

The lady spoke, "Our accessories are buy one get one half off."
"Oh alright... can I go look around a bit more?"
"Sure, I'll hold on to this for you," she said as she set the headband aside.
I went back to the wall, but something else caught my eye.
A scarf.
A beautiful, turquoise, black, and hot pink scarf.
I walked over to it and ran my fingers along the fabric. I wanted it. The money in my hand was on fire and I scooped up the scarf and carried it to the counter. Apparently a scarf didn't count as an accessory and the woman asked me to go get another headband. I did, but realized that with the scarf and two headbands I didn't have enough money. My heart dropped.
I stood there, non-literal sweat running down my face. "I... I guess I'll have to put the scarf back."
"That's too bad, it's a cute one."
Thanks for making me feel "better," I thought. I set the lovely scarf on the rack and swooned over the sight of it once again. I purchased the headbands and left the store.

I said to Ally, "It's one thing to leave something you desperately want behind, but it's another thing to think it's yours and then have to put it back."

We walked through the mall to Macy's and went upstairs to mess around. We plopped down on some mattresses as a woman walked by. "Are you buying a mattress?" Ally and I gave her a confused look.
"Uhh, no."
"Are you parents coming to buy one?"
"They should, but no." Ally smiled innocently at the lady. She looked really annoyed with us. Finally we left and the cranky worker left us alone. About and hour later we came right back... she was gone. We layed on a really fluffy mattress and talked. Another worker walked by.
We tensed up before she smiled and said, "I was about to ask if you were buying a mattress, but then I realized that you two are just having some fun! Silly me!" We smiled sweetly at her and she walked off.

Talk about an intense day at the mall.

Mood Swings

I've been feeling weird lately. I go from being sincerely happy to annoyed to sad in the same day... I don't even know. Some kid threw something at me at lunch. Have you noticed that once someone says something hurtful to you, EVERYTHING they do is annoying?? Yeah. I have. Gosh.

ANYWAY, I wrote a blog post while sitting in a computer lab at school with free time.
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A cool breeze flows through the noisy computer lab. I sit in my plastic chair, thinking. Nothing more than thoughts winding around my brain cells confusing my mind. Too many thoughts. Not enough space. I want to yell to the world… everything I’m thinking. Just to get it out. I don’t know how to feel or what to say.
I shouldn’t be so lovesick. I’M ONLY THIRTEEN. But every time I hear his voice over anyone else’s, I know there’s nothing I can do about it. That is, nothing that doesn’t involve sacrifice. My life would be nothing without him. I wouldn’t dream at night, my friends would have nothing to tease me about, I wouldn’t find joy in the simplest things like high-fives or just saying hello. But I guess that’s selfish of me.

“On my own, pretending he’s beside me. . . Without me, his world will keep on turning. A world that’s full of happiness that I have never known! . . . I love him. But only on my own.” –On My Own from Les Miserables

I feel like I don’t know how to put what’s in my head into spoken words. I know what to say, but when I open my mouth nothing happens. The sentences disappear and the sounds fly away from me, taunting me with the desire to speak.

Oh, the woes of life!!!

Okay here’s a better song… “Got my dreams, got my life, got my love. Got my friends, got the sunshine above! Why am I making this hard on myself when there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to HAPPY?” –Happy by Natasha Bedingfield

There. Who has optimism NOW??? Heh heh… I’m just a bit hyper. Mood swings, gotta love ‘em.
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Sleepless

So. Much. HOMEWORK, I thought to myself as I logged of of the computer at 11:00 p.m. having finished my report. Now I have to read that stupid packet. For English class we're reading the Canterbury Tales... The one I had to read at the time was the longest one; The Knight's Tale. It's only about 50 pages long but I was not looking forward to it.

I slithered down the stairs to start reading the tale.

I propped myself up on my elbows on the end of my bed away from my pillow so I wouldn't be tempted to fall asleep. Well, as tempted... I still had a huge desire. I read for a few pages until my elbows ached and I kept dropping my head.

I turned around and propped myself up against my headboard with pillows.

This worked for a while, but I eventually slid down the the point where I was laying on my back bending my neck in half in order to see the paper in front of me. My eyes sagged, my head pounded. Sleep haunted me.

I turned over onto my stomach. I'M AWAKE! I told myself.

I'm..... still...... awake.......

Just kidding.

The night went on. I'd fall asleep for about 30 minute periods before waking up again to read some more. After about two pages my eyelids would sneak shut and I'd drift off once again. I woke up for the bajillionth time at 5:00 a.m. I'm tired of this, I thought. Literally. I decided to just sleep the rest of the 45 minutes until I had to get up.

The whole night I never slept for an hour straight, and I never finished The Knight's Tale.

I Hate This Feeling.

I'm swimming in this huge pool of thoughts. Millions of drops of water fill the pool, and it only gets deeper at the end. I'm not very good at swimming, though, but I'm trying to learn. All of the different moves and strokes... With the right technique you can easily swim around in the deep end without worry.

But I'm becoming afraid. I swing my arms and paddle my legs. I try all of the different things I've been taught, but my head keeps going under the water. I try to push the water down, I move my arms frantically, I'm gasping for air.

I'm trying to do what's right, but it all ends up wrong. Why must I always learn things the hard way? I can't breathe. Water goes up my nose, causing considerable discomfort. I flail in the water, reaching for the surface. My hands reach up to the sun, longing to feel it's warm rays. Images of other swimmers are blurred, and my eyes eventually go dark and I sink to the bottom.

I just want to do something right for once. I want to be someone people look up to rather than despise. I'm drowning, sinking hopelessly to the bottom, and no one can save me. I hate this feeling.

Braden

This would be me and my baby brother, Braden. Braden is eleven years old and in sixth grade.

Braden was born on July 3, 1999, taking my spot as the youngest in the family. My two-and-a-half-year-old brain convinced me that Braden was of the devil for stealing the attention usually directed towards me. Therefore, I tried to rid of him. I used to step on him, bury him under pillows, and hold him just to be in pictures.

As he got older things didn't change much, except for Braden's increased "being annoying" skills. He'd wipe his boogers on my wall, steal my toys, etc... I probably deserved it. Then again, I probably was the one who taught him how to be obnoxious in the first place. It figures.

The years went on. I learned more horrible things to say to a little brother and we ended up fighting every time we were even in the same building. And besides the fighting, there was the whole "I'M TELLING MOM!" ....."MOM!!!!!!!"  My mother tried a lot of things. She even tried the "Tattle and Pay a Quater" rule. Which we hated.

I'm still not really sure when things started turning around. Now Braden still has a special skill for irritating me, but he's also a sweetheart. He gives me kisses on the cheeks and does little favors for me constantly. Once I was walking to a sleepover with all of my luggage and whatnot, and Braden rode up on his bike and carried my ridiculously heavy bag with only one complaint... "If girls didn't wear make-up, they'd be like 20 pounds lighter."

Whenever Braden has a nightmare or is scared my a storm, he comes down to my bedroom, even in the middle of the night, and sleeps in my floor. I talk to him and give him advice.

Even though sometimes a pain, I'm still grateful to have my cute little Braden. :)

A Vast Improvement

Since about this time last year, I've lost at least 16 pounds. ...And gotten a waist and more cleavage and whatnot. Maybe that is why this morning when I walked into my mom's room she looked at me and asked, "Are you wearing spanx??" (In case you are wondering, spanx are extremely tight stretchy pieces of clothing that are supposed to make you look smooth.)

Why, no, I was/am not wearing spanx, I told her. "But you look so flat!" Mom remarked as she stared at me for a while until it got quite awkward and I walked downstairs. Am I wearing spanx? That's actually rather flattering! I looked in the mirror, thinking about this and noticing that I do, in fact, look significantly more attractive and thinner than last year.

A couple days ago I was comparing my two ID cards. My seventh grade one was horrendous, especially compared to this year's picture, being the best school picture I've ever had. I was showing the two cards to my friend Blake when he exclaimed, "How can you be so freaking beautiful??!?!" This made my entire day. It seems I've had a vast improvement appearance wise.

And you know what? I'm happier, too.

Finish This Run

Yesterday we had the "Fun Run" ... the fitness test run at Canyon View for P.E.

My friend Sarah followed me around the locker room saying, "Oh noooo, it's the fun run! Dang, today's the fun run... UGH I hate the fun run!" As we were walking outside to the track, I told her that with a good attitude, it would be a thousand times more pleasant. She soon brushed off this idea. "Can I do the fun run with you? I don't want to be in the back alone."

I was slightly startled. The back ALONE?? I tried not to take too much offense to this but soon my thoughts were back to the fun run in seventh grade.

I remember complaining. A lot. I remember walking the track. Mrs. Johnson was annoyed when I finished in 17 minutes... I felt fat. Pathetic. But I knew I didn't try... I was afraid to fail.
Memories of my former self haunted my mind, I pushed them away. NO, I'm not that girl. And I'm going to finish this run.

Sarah and I arrived at the starting line. "C'mon, Sarah, we're jogging."
"Wha--" she was cut off by the sound of this whistle and the pounding footsteps of fifty girls.
"Jog! You can do it!" I encouraged rather loudly. We jogged and jogged until Sarah couldn't take any more.
"Slow down! Slow..." she panted, "...down!" we finally broke into a walk.
"Speed walk!" I proclaimed as I threw one foot in front of the other. Sarah followed close behind, panting and complaining all the while. "Okay, when we get to the lamp post," I advised, "We jog." After a groan from Sarah we were off once again, now passing some other girls in the class.
"I... have... a... cr...cramp!" Sarah sputtered.
"Keep going, push past the pain, you can do it!" I was starting to sound like a drill sergeant. "YOU CAN DO IT!!!"
We speed walked and jogged, over and over. Sarah's complaining became a little less frequent as I edged her on. "Let's go, we can do this. Think of the beautiful A you can have in this class! Just keep going!"

We did keep going. We came to near the end and there was a straight shot to the finish. The requirement for an A was 12 minutes. Run. The thought echoed in my mind as I came around the bend. RUN. Soon I was kicking up dust as I sprinted down the path.

It was a marvelous few seconds. My feet pounding heavily on the ground, the wind rushing by me like a passing train, and the glorious shout of "12 minutes!" from Mrs. Johnson as I lept across the finish line. My throat was dry, my face drenched in sweat, but the amazing inner pride was beyond description. I did it... I thought, I DID IT!!! I started laughing.

I turned to Sarah. "I told you you could do it."
Sarah continued to pant, "Only because you practically dragged me the whole way!"
I smiled. A pure, sincere smile. I've done a lot of things in my life, but that was probably one of the most wonderful moments I've ever experienced.

I was later thinking about this experience, comparing it to life. I came across a challenge, but no matter how many cramps I got or how much I desired to quit, I kept going. I pushed past the trials and finally reached my final goal, bringing a friend with me to success. Maybe I should live all of life like this. It's definitely worth the feeling at the end.

Beautiful Inside and Out

I have a sister... her name is Kayla Rowberry.

She thinks little of herself. She thinks she's ugly and fat and worthless. Let me tell you what I KNOW about Kayla.....

Kayla thinks she was such a chubby and hideous child. The truth is that even as a young girl she had the most beautiful and sparkly blue eyes ever, and the greatest set of freckles dotting the tops of her cheeks and nose. (I mean, look at my freckles. They're all over the place and just make me look blotchy. :P)To this day she is fabulously gorgeous... I hope I can be at least half as beautiful as Kayla is when I grow up.

She is afraid to sing in front of people other than her family. But Kayla has one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard. When you hear her sing you get a warm and comfortable feeling. I'm jealous of her baby girl, who will hopefully get to hear perfect lullaby's at night before she falls asleep.

Kayla is so funny. Everything she says makes you smile, and you often find yourself from crying to stuck in a fit of giggling. She tells the most awesome stories. I miss hearing about the dramatics at her first few weeks of work. She has a special ability to make people feel better. Always.

She is so smart. She took honors classes in high school, and hasn't stopped pushing herself. She goes to school at BYU now and is working so hard. She is almost always at school or at work.

She is an amazing writer. When you read Kayla's writing, you can feel what she is writing. She turns the simple concept of words and sentances into something inspirational, pure and beautiful. (Along with additional humor on the side, of course.)

Kayla is so sweet. She sticks up for people she doesn't even know! I'm trying to be as considerate of other's feelings at she is.

Kayla, I want you to know that you are an amazing and strong woman. You have no idea how many people in this world look up to you, I know I do. You are such an example to me. When I'm twenty-one, I want to be like you. (Oh gosh, you're making me cry.) ...Never ever ever ever EVER doubt yourself. You are influential, determined, clever, and you, my dear, are beautiful inside and out.

I'm Still Leaping

Last night I had one of those dreams that seemed so real. When I woke up, I wondered if I was still dreaming. I guess that goes to show how thin the line is between reality and my dreams. The days when I'm depressed are the days my dreams go away. The happy days are when my dreams are all around me. The days when someone remembers my name, the days when he talks to me, the days when I get along with my younger brother. This is when I have hope for happiness, that everything will eventually turn out okay. "Real life" is so cruel and painful. I wish I could keep sleeping, in a world where everything happens the way I believe it should.

On one particularly dreamless day, I decided something. I wanted to try to talk to people. I started with my partner in Science class. We talked, soon became friends, and I learned how amazing this girl really is. Now I've been trying to talk more.

But the hardest person to start a conversation with, by far, has been him. We talk online all the time, but in person my sentances are often dishevled and odd. He and I were talking over the internet about being quiet. I said, "I'm almost always quiet. Every time I talk to you it's like a leap of faith."
His next words were, "Well I hope that I can catch you on your leap of faith." My heart fluttered.

The next day at school I thought of the perfect thing to say to him. I failed through History, English, and by the time lunch came I was about to explode with the perfect line..... "I'm leaping."
I even practiced. "I'm leaping... I AM leaping! I'M LEAPINGGG!!!" The line spun around in my head. The minute came when he was standing right behind me. "I'm...lehh--" My throat seemed to freeze up and my voice cracked pathetically. I half turned my head. My hand hovered to tap him... I erged to say my well-rehersed "I'm leaping" but my hand soon dropped limply back down and I just watched the back of his head, the words still swirling through my mind.

I later told him of my failed attempt of "I'm leaping" and he replied with "hahaha that would've been funny" I banged my head on the desk.
"I KNEW it was the perfect line!!!" I said to myeslf, feeling ashamed.

I'm still leaping.