The Scale

After trick-or-treating I went to a friends house to relax and watch a movie. I had shorts on underneath my purple princess dress, but not a shirt. I asked my friend if I could borrow a t-shirt. She looked at me and said, "Well, they would all be too small..." she paused, "but, they're a little small on me too anyway." She went and asked her mom if they had any "bigger t-shirts." I felt awful.

That day I realized it was time to get on the scale again. I weigh myself every midterm of school. I stood on the scale and stared up at the ceiling. Look down on three, I thought. One.. two.. I looked down at the digital number. YES!!! I lost six pounds in a month!!!

It was quite the victorious moment after such a horrid one.

Library Thoughts

I’m sitting here in the computer lab/library at school. I feel good. Better than usual, which I guess is a good thing. Well, it IS a good thing. But my friend keeps asking me the most random questions. It’s already enough responsibility to be in charge of my own life, let alone someone else’s on the side. Sheesh.

They finally turned on the heaters at school. It was most likely below 10 degrees before, now it’s only probably like 30. Fahrenheit, that is.

I’ve been attempting... well, kind of… to read this book for my English class. Last night I thought, “I’m SO going to read this whole thing right now.” But I fell asleep before I made it to page 24. Yeah, I know, impressive. (sarcasm!)

I sat here, in my plastic chair when I felt a soft hand touch my shoulder. “Hey Tessa.” I stiffened. It was him.
“…Yes?” I turned my head.
“Check your email.” He walked away back over to his computer on the other side of the room.
I opened my email on which I had been writing notes. There was a chat box in the lower right corner. “_____: hello tessa!”
Woahh, I thought, He actually started talking to me. Weird. But awesome.
The rest of the period we talked casually.

What a weird day. Now I'm off to a birthday party, and I'm super excited!

Clearing the Board

I'd say, "I'm over him" but yet I'd still walk in my room to the sight of his pictures and quotes all over my wall.

It was torture. I'd try not to think about him, but yeah... it's a little difficult when his face looms over you when you're laying in bed at night. I was finally fed up, these pictures were coming down.

Out came the first tack.

I continued to remove picture after picture. I looked back at my board. Even after changing my name at the top, it was so empty.

I started rearranging, starting with new pictures. I printed out some cool pictures I've taken to hang up on my wall.

It's still not full, but I feel so much better. So much more free.

I love the feelings of clearing the board... and quite literally at that.

Challenge--Day 5 (And a Pep-Talk)

Day five turned out quite unexpectedly. All day I wasn't concentrating much on the challenge.

At 6:30 one of my best friends, Paisley King came over to my house. We took pictures, messed with my hair, talked, goofed off, and had an amazing evening.

At about 11:00 I was showing Pais notes between me and a friend in my Science class. I was showing her little snippets or the notes by reading out loud. She asked if she could read the entire series of notes. After hesitation I said no and set the notes on the headboard of my bed behind me. She could see the concerned expression on my face and asked why.
"The numbers," I mumbled.
"Phone numbers?" she inquired.
"No," I replied slowly, "weight numbers." I started getting nervous. I unconsciously would try to change the subject as I began to pick off my fingernails. "No matter how much changes or how many years go by, they're always there. The numbers are always there."

"Oh, Tessa. This is going to be a pep talk like no other you've ever heard," Paisley began, "You are beautiful. One of the most amazing people I've ever seen. And God made you. He never makes mistakes." She continued explaining how weight doesn't matter and I look great anyway. Near the end of the talk she said, "I've seen you. The days when you're not thinking about it and you're helping other people, you shine. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in a person. It's like all of these wonderful things on the inside just reflect out and you really shine, Tessa. If Teric's too blind to see that, then he's not worthy of you. I can see it, and I know there are so many other people that see it to, and that's why you're just so lovable." We both teared up and tried hard not to cry.

It turns out not only should I refrain from judging others, but also refrain from judging myself. Thanks, Pais for helping me realize that true beauty doesn't come from a boy's approval, or even the numbers. True beauty comes from the heart.

Fainting

I tend to be in a hurry in the mornings. You wake up, get up, and get moving. Well I woke up this morning and was on my feet. My eyes went black like they usually do when I get up too fast. Usually they'll go black for a second or two and then they'll come back to normal and I'll leave my room. But this morning as my eyes went black I felt really dizzy. I grabbed the wall for support and waited for my eyes to come back. I rocked back and forth, still holding onto the corner of the wall.

The next minute I was laying on my back on the floor. I don't remember falling down. One minute I was standing and the next I wasn't. I looked up at the ceiling. My head hurt from pounding down on the floor. I weakly and slowly stood back up. The glowstick chain that usually hung from my doornob was now in the ground. I don't remember touching the glowsticks, either. I left the room and went upstairs feeling really freaked out.

Talk about a weird morning.

Challenge--Day 4

For seven months of my life my emotions revolved around one person. If he waved at me I was happy, if he ignored me I was sad, etc. Well today was the first day of my life I actually was in control of my emotions and, let me tell you, it was WONDERFUL.

I was happy all of the time about everything!

This morning my friend went up to him and whacked him with her binder... I thought he'd be really mad at me after that. As I walked into Science as he was walking out I acted as if he wasn't there. A couple seconds later a friend informed me that he actually said hi to me!
"Really??" I asked before shooting out the door of the classroom. I chased him down.
He was talking with a friend, "...and she just ignored me!" He was telling the friend.
I snuck up behind him, "_____!!!" I waved and smiled.
He smiled back and waved with a satisfied, "Hey Tessa!"
I almost sprinted back to the classroom. I had the most ridiculous smile on my face.

As for the challenge, today we played Ultimate Frisbee against a really competitive team in P.E. Rather than trying to put them down and make them the enemy, we encouraged them and were optimistic. We ended up winning the game but the other team was still happy because we were all nice about it.

Challenge--Day 2 (Plus Liquid Nitrogen and Preforming)

The day started normally. I attended my classes as usual, until I got to A4-- Science.

Today we had a demo about phase changes using liquid nitrogen. Mr. Housley first put a hot dog in it to demonstrate what liquid nitrogren would do to human flesh. When he pulled out the hot dog it was slightly shriveled and pale. He held it out for the class to see while he began talking to us about what had happened to the hot dog. Mid-sentance, he chucked the not-so-hot dog and it hit the board and shattered like glass, showering the room with pieces of extremely frozen hot dog.
At another point in the lesson Housley scooped a cup of the nitrogen and splashed it over our heads. IT felt so weird... First you felt this stinging liquid, and the next minute it was gone.

And as for the challenge. I was having a great conversation with my friend, and he is friends with this girl who I have never really enjoyed being around. But then I thought, She's got to be a good person if she's friend with such a great kid,  right? For the rest of the day I concentrated on all of the nice things she's said to me rather than the emotional torment I had previously recieved from her. I think it worked, and now I don't hate her... It'll take some more work to like her, but I'm not stopping now.

Also today was the first choir concert at Canyon View Jr. High. I'm in the advanced girls' choir, Treble Trios. We all had matching glittery tops and sang out hearts out on stage. I had a great time!

Challenge--Day 1

Today was a weird day.

As I sat in History B1, my friend Paisley King asked how I was doing with all of this boy drama. I explained that he doesn't talk to me anymore. The next thing I knew Paisley was walking over to him. My eyes popped out of my skull as she said loudly, "Say hi to Tessa!!! SAY HI!!!"

He looked over at me, cowering in a desk. "Hi Tessa."
"Ehh... h-hi," I gasped, "____."
"Say it again!" Paisley commanded, "Again!"
"Hi Tessa," He turned away.
Paisley got after him. "_____! Talk to her!"
"I don't know how to just start a random conversation!"
I planted my face in the desk. Suuuuuure you don't. You do it all of the time.

My heart pounded in my chest. I trembled. All I wanted to say was "I'm sorry." The words haunted me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I just want to be a good friend. I never said another word. Neither did he.

The rest of the day went past and I wasted even more opportunities to say I'm sorry.

I had almost forgotten about my previous challenge until I went home and got on Facebook. I saw the name of a girl I had had a lot of problems judging. I started a chat with her and asked her how she was feeling. I told her I was here to listen and she could ask anything. She told me about a difficult situation in her life and I talked to her about it and gave her advice. Soon I was telling her about my life and she started giving me advice. I ended up having a lovely conversation with her and I really feel a lot better about who she is rather than who I thought she was.

How was your day one?

Challenge!

This week I'm challenging myself on judging others. Every day at school I'm going to find the good in someone I don't particularly enjoy being around. That's at least five different people. And instead of focusing on the weakness of that person, I'll focus on their strengths. I encourage anyone else to do this, and at the end of the week look back and see if it made each day better, even by just a bit.(:

Everything Happens for a Reason

There are a lot of things I miss. I miss spending time with Kayla, I miss lost friends, I miss all of the opportunies I had to make my life happier. If you could live your life all over again, would you? There are days I wish I could go back and change all of my mistakes.

When I was a little girl my mom used to always say to me, "Tessa, I love that you always have a smile on your face, from the time you walk up the stairs for breakfast to the time we tuck you in at night." When Janell moved out of the our house I became really depressed, and mom never said that to me anymore. I'm just now becoming happier with myself and my wonderful life.

Though I'm one of those people that believes that everything happens for a reason. Whether it's for the purpose of meeting a new and better friend, getting a better job, or purely just learning a lesson. We all learn through our experiences.

I think about that guy I once liked. He started talking to me because I was shy and he wanted to get to know me better. If I would have overcome my level of shyness beforehand I might not have ever become his friend. Maybe I was supposed to have those painful years in elementary school of hiding away from the world in order to have this big change in me in seventh grade. If I had never become his friend I would have never learned so many lessons. One of the things I've learned most recently is that you don't need the approval of a boy to be happy. You don't need praise from others to be who you are. If someone doesn't like the real you, then that's their problem. We are all individuals of divine worth. We all have something different to contribute to the world and the people around us.

Mountains

I was always the chubby kid. In elementary school I'd walk the mile while my teacher yelled at me to jog. As ugly as I was, my lack of self-esteem made me even uglier. No one really wanted to hang around me because I was always depressed. At the Valentine's dance in sixth grade the same boy asked me to every dance... my neighbor and childhood friend who felt bad for me. But no girls asked him to dance, either.

I always wanted to be pretty, but instead of pursuing beauty, I sat down in the grass at lunch and compared myself to the other girls at school and felt sorry for myself.

This is me on my thirteenth birthday, December 5, 2009.

I'm not sure when or how it happened, but I guess one morning I woke up and decided if I was really concerned about the way I looked, I might as well do something about it, just like my mom says. I started going on walks and cutting down my portion sizes. (Along with cutting off the split ends of my hair, tweezing my eyebrows, brushing my teeth twice a day, wearing make-up, and other basic steps in looking prettier.)

This is me around the end of seventh grade in June 2010.

This is me on the first week of eighth grade having lost eighteen pounds since January.

I'm still not where I dream of being, but I can walk the halls of the school feeling confident with who I am and not be concerned about what others think. I feel like I've learned so much lately, I've even learned how to be happy. Like it says in the song "Mountains" by Lonestar: "I've been around and I've noticed that walkin's easier when the road is flat and dang, those  hills'll get you every time. But the good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb."

Visible

Don't you ever have those days where you feel like you're completely invisible? You're sitting in the halls of the school at lunch watching the people pass by going, "I know her, and him, and her. Oh, and her too but she has no idea who I am." Typical. In fact, my name in Spanish class last year was "Callada" meaning "quiet girl."
So far in all of my days in Jr. High I've only met one person who knew my name before I knew hers. That's got be some kind of record.

Well yesterday evening I checked my email to read the comments on my blog posts and I begin to read, "Jordyn says..." For a moment I was a bit confused. I know two Jordyns. One is in my ward but she never uses the computer let alone read my blog, and the other Jordyn I have never actually had a conversation with. (One of those "I know her but I'm pretty sure she has no idea who I am" people.) But the second Jordyn is friends with a lot of my friends from school so I see her around and think, "Wow, she sounds like a wonderful girl!" but of course never actually find the courage to speak up.

I read the comment and a huge smile branches from one side of my face to the other. Jordyn Chung-Hoon knows who I am... I'm visible!!! And to Jordyn Chung-Hoon!!! I think as I sit up in my chair.

My day is made. Thanks Jordyn!(:

The Power of Prayer

I walked downstairs to my room feeling dizzy. I fell down on my knees. "Heavenly Father..." I sputtered as I wiped tears from my face. "I don't know what to do."
I spoke quietly on my knees for ten minutes, pleading for guidence. Tears ran down my face and the words all flowed out of my mouth.

When I finally stood up on trembling legs I waited in silence as if something amazing was going to happen. Nothing happened and I walked upstairs and threw myself down on the couch. I wondered how prayers are most commonly answered. Then I realized something. I was calm. My mind was at peace. All of my troubles were still there, but it was like they didn't matter anymore. Experiences like this really testify of the power of prayer.

Things got better from there. Today I had a wonderful day, smiling all the while.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I'm struggling to make decisions. I feel like these decisions will change my life, and I'm afraid. I'm spinning around in circles. Circles of fear, confusion, heartbreak, tears. Now I'm standing here at the fork in the road asking, "Where do I go from here?"

The Potential to Become Stronger

Boys are so troublesome.

I don't know what's happened. It's like all of the sudden I don't exsist to him. I'm just another teenager roaming the halls. We both truely cared for each other, how can it all just be gone? I still don't understand. I thought about this all last period. When the bell rang I went out into the hall and, of course, saw him. I smiled and nodded at him. He looked me in the eyes for a moment before quickly looking away.

That's when I broke down.

As I walked out of the doors of the school I began to cry. Silently, but it was obvious. I shivered and my face grew red as tears messed up my mascara and ran down my cheeks. My friends Ally and Madi approached me and stood awkwardly around me, not knowing what to do. Finally Ally leaned in to give me a hug and I dug my face into her shoulder and shook pitifully. I was too upset to even explain what was wrong.

Later that day I lay on my bed, not knowing why God would let such horrible things happen to 13-year-old girls. I then thought back to a few days earlier when I was comforting one of my friends.

He is having a really hard time in his life. He told me what was going on and then told me he was kind of angry with God for letting all of this happen. I told him that God isn't just trying to give us a hard time, but he gives us trials because he knows we are strong and that we have the potential to become even stronger.

As I remembered this sitting in sacrament meeting, my knees straightened and I shot out of the pew almost unwillingly. I walked slowly up to the stand. As I shared my thoughts, my hands trembled and my voice shook so much I'm not sure how anyone understood what I was saying. When I sat down I was exceedingly embarassed but relieved all at once.

But I know that's true, it's what keeps me going on these hard days. And even though we all have our unique trials, we ALL have the potential to become stronger.

Counting Hugs

Recently I'd been feeling like the lamest person on the face of the planet. I felt like no one appreciated me, which was quickly to be proven wrong.

People would notice that I was sad and give me a hug and talk to me or ask what's wrong. I realized that I've been freaking out about nothing, and that everyone is nice to me. I then started counting hugs.

My friend Ansalee likes to count things. For a couple of weeks she would count all of the guys wearing purple shirts she'd see in the hall. Then when she was sick she counted how many cough drops she'd take in a day. So today, aiming for optimism, I started counting hugs. It turns out in 5 hours time I recieved SEVEN wonderful hugs. I feel so loved!

Ansalee is also trying to be my "boy-craziness rehabilitation therapist." Oh goodness.

So now I'm sitting here, wrapped up in a sweatshirt listening to the rumble of thunder and the patter of rain. I hate being wet outside in the rain, but man, how I love these sounds.(: