Where I Belong

I sat on the grass, feeling lonely. I had stayed after school, but no one at the house could give me a ride home. I wanted to call Kayla, but I didn't want to sound pathetic or annoying. After a few minutes I did anyway, and she happily came and rescued me.
"How was your day?"
I felt like sobbing. And after about 3 words, I did.
"I don't belong anywhere," I ranted, "I had a billion friends last year and most of them don't even acknowledge my presence anymore. I don't really have a group of friends these days, it's like I just follow around the same one friend. Sometimes I don't even feel like I belong in the nerd herd anymore. Everywhere I go I feel out of place. Even when I'm alone I don't feel accepted because I don't even like myself."

I'm pretty sure Heaven was eavesdropping on my conversation and was determined to prove me wrong.

Friday my parents, Braden, and I went up to Gardner Village. I haven't seen my mom so happy for a really long time. And you know what they say; when Mom's happy, everybody's happy. I took pictures obsessively and loved spending time and goofing off with my family.
Then on Saturday night I went to a "Halloween party" that was really a surprise birthday party for my friend. Those girls are so amazing and made me feel so loved. We laughed hysterically and had a great time together.

The weekend really did show me where I belong in this world, and I'm so incredibly grateful.

Weak Things

I've had a screaming headache. For over 48 hours.
And lately I can't seem to keep going back. Just thinking about memories, the way things used to be. I think it's becoming a bad habit. Life just used to be a lot better.
I've felt hated and beat up in the past few weeks. By myself and some people very close to me. I've asked myself a lot of "Why?" and "What if...?" questions.
It's the end of term. This school year has been rough. And when I come to think of it, they just get rougher every year. Does it go on like this forever? No wonder people die when they're old. By then they're lives must be pure misery.
I wish I understood everything, but I don't. I hardly understand anything right now. So I'm here, typing a pessimistic blog post while listening to a loud pounding in my head.

Ether 12:27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

For All Girls

I look at all those girls at school. They all seem to have the perfect life. Every day is a good hair day, they have all of the fashionable clothes, they're gorgeous, they're skinny, they're talented at everything, and all of the popular boys revolve around them. And then I look at myself. Bad hair days, no fashionable clothes, frumpy, overweight, clumsy, and a failure at everything I attempt.
I feel judged all the time. I'm insecure, sometimes I hate myself. I'm sleep deprived. I wish I was anyone but myself. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from my own body. A lot of times I think, "Of all people, why am I me?"
I feel like I can never be good enough.

If you feel like this too, read back at the top paragraph. And remember that you're one of those girls at school to everyone but yourself.

You Are Amazing.

People Change

I hate how much people change. One minute they're one person and the next they're someone you've never even seen before. I mean, I've changed a lot, too, since then but I'm still me. I just don't understand how someone can be your friend one day and be the friend of your one and only enemy the next.
Or how someone can be your prince charming one day and turn into your one and only enemy the next.
Or how someone can be your best friend since you were 2 years old one day and just ignore the fact that you exist the next.
Or how someone can look up to you one day and think you're a freak teenager the next.

Why does everyone has to change? Why do people come into our lives just to leave? Why did we even have to know them in the first place if it wasn't going to last? Why can't we just have ONE friend that stays around?

I don't understand.

Gifts

When I asked my friend what she wanted for her birthday, she said she wanted us to have matching pajama pants. I picked out the perfect pants and was so excited to show them to her and wear them at all of our sleepovers. She acted happy, but said they were too small. I wanted her to enjoy them, so I took them back, got a bigger size, and gave her the new pants the very next day.

She hasn't even worn them once. She threw them in the very back of a drawer, never to be seen again.

This week I've been thinking about talents. Talents are God's gifts to us. We all have some, whether we know it or not. Don't throw yours in the back of a drawer.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'" --Erma Bombeck

It Came With the Rain

Last year I hit a rough patch. And every time I cried, it rained. It got to the point every time it rained someone would call me asking if I was okay. Usually I wasn't.

This year I've been a lot happier, especially during the summer's warm weather.
Then I started hearing Adele's song, Set Fire to the Rain, and Bruno Mars's song, It Will Rain. The weather started getting cold and wet. In P.E. we played soccer in the rain. We walked to Seminary in the rain. In science we learned about hurricanes. When I got home, finally out of the precipitation zone, I took the dog outside and stood in the wet grass. I looked out the window to see puddles in the streets.
I didn't wear a jacket to school, like I was rebelling against the weather. The weather didn't care and got even wetter.
And the other day I finally found myself sitting on my bed bawling pathetically. I don't even remember why. I believe it came with the rain.

3 Things

I was blog stalking... and I found this post of "3 Things" and thought it was cool. So here I am.

3 Joys:
1. When my drawings actually turn out pretty.
2. When really attractive guys acknowledge my existence.
3. Sleepovers.

3 Fears:
1. Spiders. I am so paranoid all the time because I think a spider is going to jump out randomly and bite the entire bottom half of my body off. I know, depressing.
2. Being forgotten. It's true. I think everybody's going to forget me. And then about half of them do... But that's beside the point.
3. Bad grades.

3 Goals:
1. Marry a hot R.M.
2. Get on the High Honor Roll in stead of the Honor Roll.
3. Become a professional photographer.

3 Obsessions:
1. Music. I have like 957647569 favorite songs.
2. Blankets. Even in the summer when it's 1,000 degrees outside I still HAVE to have a blanket when I'm sitting on the couch.
3. Nail Polish.

3 Random Facts:
1. My favorite band of all time is The Script. And I love Danny O'Donoghue with all of my heart.
2. I've been taking Spanish for eight years.
3. I take pictures of every little thing, like I'll want to remember every pair of shoes I've ever owned when I'm 80 years old.

Falcon Idol

 "Are you nervous?" One of the techies asked me.
"Oh yeah," I replied, peeking passed the curtain just enough to see Mrs. Williams on the stage.
"I'd like to welcome a lovely young lady, Miss Tessa Hatchett!" she said to the crowd as they erupted with clapping.

 "I've got my own little fan club out there," I said to myself as I walked across the stage.

My music started. My legs were shaking. At first I wasn't really paying attention to the crowd, just the words, and just my feelings. But when I got to the chorus, I noticed them. A sea of swaying lights. Phones were out all over the auditorium, cheering me on.
It almost completely took my breath away.
I finished my song, the music quieting and the crowd exploding with insane applause. I received the biggest standing ovation of the night. I smiled so wide my mouth reached off of my face as I looked over at my little fan club that had quickly transformed into something much bigger. It was the most exhilarating thing I've ever seen.

Backstage was a blast after that. The nervousness off my shoulders, I danced around, made improv hand actions for the songs, and laughed for the rest of the show. I made so many new friends being in the show, it was so much fun. All of those people were so awesome and so encouraging.

After the show was over we all received our score sheets from the judges. When I opened my envelope the first thing I saw was, "I felt it from you. Nice emotional connection." I felt so accomplished having done just what I wanted to do.

A little later I found out from the people counting the votes that I came in fourth place. They only give prizes to first, second, and third places but I still felt so proud of myself for how far I came from my first audition. I didn't do Falcon Idol to win, I did it to have fun, and that I did.

I'm so grateful for this amazing experience and all of the experiences to come because of it. I'll never forget it, it's been one of the best things I've ever done. :)