One Week Down, the Rest of My Life to Go

The first week of school is over, and I'm STILL having problems with my schedule.

I just hate that feeling of emptiness I have whenever I come back from school. Like everything there is meaningless.
I don't know, that probably doesn't make sense.

Well, I came home today and my hair was messy, my blisters hurt, my shoulders hurt from my backpack, I had a headache, and I was starving in a house with nothing edible. I tried to call my mom to talk to her and ask her for help but she was in a meeting and isn't available until next Wednesday. So I came here and sat down to write something inspirational about having a positive attitude no matter how crappy your day was... but I just can't.

Because I am having a terrible day.

And right now high school seems like the rest of eternity.

Off to a Rough Start

High school has been.... to put it simply... more than frustrating.

I had this dream of finding a super nice person and automatically becoming friends and being best friends for the rest of high school. I had a dream of fun classes and high grades and extracurricular activities.

Well... I haven't made any friends yet. I have talked to a few people that were my friends growing up that I hadn't seen for years, and I have made ONE new acquaintance, but that's it. There are no sparks flying  between me and the people sitting next to me in ANY of my classes so far. Maybe I should just talk more.

Also with the start of this new life of mine, I've already given up on a lot of my dreams and ambitions. When I was forced out of Drawing because of Driver's Ed, I didn't try to get art back into my schedule. I simply concluded that I'm not going to be an artist when I grow up and I was never super amazing at art anyway. It was kind of a sad feeling, but I honestly didn't have room for it in my schedule. And I've given up on learning Spanish, too. I took Spanish all through elementary school, and even when I was accepted into the A.L.L. program at Foothill, I chose not to go so I could stay at Windsor and learn Spanish. But in eighth and ninth grade... I'm pretty sure I just got worse at it. And after only two periods of AP Spanish this year, I quickly realized if I stayed in that class I would end up with an ugly F on my transcript, so I'm transferring out.

I hate this feeling... the feeling of a "giver-upper"... but I really just wanted this year to be better than it has been. Maybe if I focus my efforts on less things I'll be more successful at each of them. I don't know.

All I know is that high school is really off to a rough start.

Inspired.

Susan Boyle's audition for Britain's Got Talent.

I've seen this before, but today when I saw it I was truly inspired. At the beginning you watch everyone's faces as they judge her and doubt her. Then, despite everyone around her, she sings, and shows who she really is. Their reactions change, and you can tell that they realize they shouldn't have judged her so harshly before they knew what was inside of her. 

There are two things this makes me think about. One, I hope we can all try to refrain from false judgments. And two, remember to show our true colors and not hide who we are inside. I know those are things I need to work on this year.

Snapshots: My Life.

[Pictures stolen from a different blog.]

Learning About Acceptance

A few days ago I went shopping for school clothes. As I tried on pair after pair of pants that didn't fit, I started tearing up. I then asked my mom a question that's been on my mind ever since: "What if no one at Timp wants to be friends with me because I'm fat?"

I've thought about that question for days. And I realize... who cares? There may be plenty of shallow people in high school, but there will be others that won't care what anyone looks like. If I just look the best I can and I'm not self-conscious about it, my future friends won't care about how much I weigh. I do hope to continue to lose weight, but even before I make it to my goal I'm going to learn to accept myself. It's taken me so long to realize that I really do have potential and divine worth. I never wanted to be one of those annoyingly cocky people, but I always hated that I put myself down so much. But then I noticed that the people everyone loves to be around are the ones that accept themselves for who they are, and, better yet, don't even worry about themselves! They lose themselves in service to others. And in the end, that's what can make you truly happy.

[Picture stolen from Pinterest]

Terrified

Today my mom and I went to the high school to register. I'm pretty sure going into tenth grade is the most terrifying thing of my life.
I'm used to a school with one big wide hallway and you know all of the people in your grade and are friends with half of them. Walking through my classes at Timpanogos was overwhelming. It seemed like there were millions of hallways and all of my classes were on opposite sides of the school. I saw a group of older kids and realized teenagers are SO much scarier/more intimidating than the pre-pubescent tweens I'm so used to hanging around.

We Are Never Getting Back Together

This new song by T-Swift just came out. Oh man. It's so... story of my life! I just love it. Enjoy.

"You come around again and say,

'Baby, I miss you, I swear I'm gonna change. Trust me.'

Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, 'I hate you,' we break up,
You call me, 'I love you.'
We called it off again last night,
But this time, I'm telling you,
We are never ever ever getting back together."

"I used to think that we were forever,
And I used to say never say never.
He calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you'
And I'm like.. I'm just.. I mean, this is exhausting, you know.
We are ever getting back together... like ever."

Misunderstood

I felt like everyone has been misinterpreting everything I say lately. I say one thing, and the next minute someone is freaking out about something entirely different. I've gotten so frustrated. I just want to scream and yell... but I know that I won't help me or anyone else. Have you ever had a no-one-understands-me day?

In All Honesty,

I always just assumed that he and I would last longer than we did. That we would go our separate ways and maybe not talk as much, but in end we would still be friends and catch up with each other once in a while. Maybe even go on a date or two once we were both sixteen. That was the way I planned it, and the way I intended to keep it. But I guess I took it for granted.