Daydreaming

Today in Computer Tech I was daydreaming.

I imagined myself 19 years old, living in my own apartment that I decorated with pictures. I have a fat cat that I cuddle on my red couches. I have a boyfriend that I met at work. We make popcorn and watch The Avengers together and pet my cat. When I go to family dinners I get to sit at the adult table and people actually listen to what I have to say. I have money to go to the movies with my friends and a car to drive wherever I want.

What a charming life I will have!

It's moments like that I just want to skip high school.

Blocked

The last time we spoke was September 8th.
That was supposed to be a happy weekend. I went to a birthday party and had a sleepover.
The next morning I was texting him.
We threw insults at each other left and right.
That was when I dropped my phone in my cereal bowl of milk.
I stopped replying.
Today I had a weak moment.
I searched his name in the Facebook search bar,
but he wasn't there.
Did he delete his Facebook?
I hacked into my mom's account.
I searched his name in the Facebook search bar.
There he was.
He didn't delete his Facebook. He blocked me.
I clicked on his name. I teared up.
"Why do you care?" you ask. "You're not even friends anymore."
But to be completely honest with you,
I know I may never see him again, and I know he hates me, and I know we're both moving on with our lives,
But I will always care.
And someday when we're both older and more mature, I will call him up and say, "I'm really sorry about September 8th, and all the days before that."
Maybe then he will unblock me from his Facebook.
Maybe then... just maybe... he will unblock me from his life.

*Sigh*

"It hurts."
"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else."

(Stolen from another blog.)

I wanted to be...

...a teacher. Realized how obnoxious kids are.
...an artist. Lost motivation to draw.
...a singer. Lack of star quality.
...a photographer. Too much competition.
...an actor. Stage fright.
...a zoologist. Don't like getting dirty.
...an author. Couldn't write past 4 pages.
...a manicurist. Realized I'm not THAT good.
...a journalist. Doubted my writing skills.

"Well then what do you want to be when you grow up??"

I don't know.
I just want to be somebody who does something worth while.

The Third Day

The driving range was never very thrilling, but always interesting. The first day Maryorie was constantly speeding and getting in trouble. The second day I met my best friend's elementary school crush. The third day I had a conversation that changed my life.

When I showed up to range that third day, I had no idea how it would play out. I was given the keys to a car and a magnetic number 7 to put on the top and waited in anticipation for who my new acquaintance would be. And honestly, when she started walking up to the car and sat down in the passenger seat, I didn't think our conversation would go anywhere past "What's your favorite color?"
She had her long blonde hair pulled back behind a flat billed cap, with a shaved section of hair by her ear. She had on little jean shorts and big dark sunglasses to top it all off. People like that don't talk to me, I said to myself as I adjusted the seat for my short legs and started the car.

We began to drive around. "What's your name?" she asked.
I answered and asked what hers was.
It was a start.
"What's your favorite color?"

And I'm not sure where it went from there. After a while of talking to her, I stopped feeling so intimidated. We got to the point we were basically telling the story of our lives and what our dreams and aspirations are and the things we struggle with in life. It was probably the deepest conversation I've ever had with someone I'd just met. I felt like even though  we were different in a lot of ways, she understood me. And not a lot of people can do that.
As I ranted about this and that and the things that make me feel insecure, I actually started hearing what I was saying in a way I've never heard myself before. And I realize that for so long I've been letting the criticism of others and even myself really keep me down. I've piled up this giant collection of insults, chastisements, and judgement and let them rule my entire life.

And you know what? I am not what people say about me, and you are not what people say about you. We are all much more complex than that.

Rough.

My day started when I dropped my phone in my milk.
I gasped loudly, fished my phone out from it's swim with Reese's Puffs, and tried it dry it out the best I could.
It still doesn't work right.

I walked home from Ally's house. My hair was greasy and I was wearing yoga pants and a sweaty T-shirt. I was texting my ex-"friend". We had a huge fight, during which some really harsh things were said.

I got home, vacuumed every square inch of my room (even the ceiling), and went in the bathroom to take a much needed shower.
When I stepped inside, I discovered a spider that was seriously the size of my palm. It was HUGE.
Obviously enough, I ran out of the bathroom faster than Usain Bolt.
And to my horror (again), outside of the bathroom was a 23-year-old guy that was helping my sister move.
And all I was wearing was a towel.
AWKWARD.
I hid in my room until my dad was finished killing Spiderzilla. In those few minutes I thought my heart was going to fail me. In an attempt to calm down, I bit the side of my finger until it had a sore.

My entire family is in a bad mood.

This day hasn't turned out as planned.

In Between

Saturday I rearranged my bedroom. I was locked in there vacuuming and organizing and throwing stuff away for over 4 hours. As I cleaned I found old sketchbooks, terrible attempts at writing books, old toys, tickets to movies I never threw away, and practically my entire life story all crammed into messy drawers and old shoe boxes. I missed the life I used to have when everything was so simple. I felt so grown up. But after waking up from spider nightmares at 2:00 in the morning and decided maybe I'm not so grown up after all. Just that terrible place in between. Being a teenager stinks.

More Like Acquaintances

I kind of assumed I would automatically make this perfect group of friends when I went into high school. But after the first week and a half it became apparent that my imagined social life wasn't going to just fall into place.

My first acquaintance of this year was Kevin. I sat next to him in Pre-Calculus before we had a seating chart. I asked him questions and made an attempt at a stimulating conversation. I was really proud of myself for talking to Kevin so much in one day, especially because he's a boy. Besides just answering my questions about him, most of what he said was questions about the math homework.

After a few class periods I thought I was off to a good start with Kevin. I saw him in the hall one morning, so I waved and said "Hi, Kevin." He looked at me and walked away without saying a word.

Maybe we weren't meant to be friends. Just everlasting math class acquaintances.

You can imagine I was feeling a little discouraged after my failed attempt at having at least one new friend. I came into choir class on Friday with low expectations. Our teacher was at the assembly so the 16 people that are in that class all sat down in random seats and started talking. I sat down near the end of the row and someone came and sat down next to me. She was tall and so skinny that she looked like a stick figure. Her hair was long and thin and her glasses magnified her eyes to 5 times the size they actually were. "Hey, what's your name?" I asked.

"Jessie," she said, "what's yours?"

We talked all about Jr High and the choirs we were in and the dresses we wore.

Maybe I will make some friends this year.