How Embarrassing.

I check my blog stats every once in a while.
Blogger lets you see what people have been Googling to get to your blog.
On that lovely list of Google searches, along with Harry Styles and goat wrestling, was the name of my seventh grade crush.
I was and still am slightly horrified.
Mainly because when it was all over, I spent DAYS deleting his name out of my posts. DAYS.
But today I discovered, to my disgust, there were a few that I missed. (Which I quickly edited.)
I'm just so embarrassed.
I can delete the name or entire posts all day, but I can never delete the past. Even though I REALLY wish I could right now.
At CVJH I felt like that whole thing that happened in 7th grade was part of my reputation, and when I went to Timpanogos, it was like I had finally escaped it.
But apparently I didn't get far enough away, and it followed me all the way here, up to this horribly embarrassing moment.
I'm sick of these memories catching up to me every time I run away.

love is so short, forgetting is so long.

"There's an old poem by Neruda that I've always been captivated by, and one of the lines in it has stuck with me ever since the first time I read it. It says, "love is so short, forgetting is so long." It's a line I've related to in my saddest moments, when I needed to know someone else had felt that exact same way. When we're trying to move on, the moments we always go back to aren't the mundane ones. They are the moments you saw sparks that weren't really there, felt stars aligning without having any proof, saw your future before it happened, and then saw it slip away without any warning. These are the moments of new-found hope, extreme joy, intense passion, wishful thinking, and in some cases, the unthinkable letdown."

--Taylor Swift

15 Phases That I'm Not Proud Of

Do any of you have that period of your life that you look back on and think, Really? I've been cleaning off my blog a little this week; reading posts I wrote as a hopeless 13-year-old is a little rough. If you've been reading my blog since then... I'm truly sorry you had to live through that. I'm embarrassed to think that I ever posted some of that stuff on my blog, but now that at least 25 people have already read it anyway, I might as well make fun of myself a bit. Therefore I've created this lovely list of the top 15 phases of my life that I'm not proud of. (Most of which took place in Jr. High....... It's a rough time...)
15 Phases of My Life That I'm Not Proud Of
1. When I thought I was a super good writer..... Awkward.
2. When I thought I was a super good artist/musician..... Even more awkward.
3. When I lost all sense of fashion for a while there.
4. When I had crazy caveman eyebrows.
5. When I over-plucked my eyebrows into tiny stubs.
6. When I was obsessed with taking pictures of myself.
7. When my Facebook profile pictures were the ones I constantly took of myself despite my stubby eyebrows. *sigh*
8. When I obsessed over my first big crush, whom I wrote about on my blog... by name. BAD IDEA.
9. When I spent months mourning the loss of the relationship I never had.
10. When a guy had a crush on me, whom I didn't like back, but I still pretty much led him on for two years.
11. When I finally warmed up to the idea of liking him just as he stopped liking me....... Awkward x 1000.
12. When I got angry at everyone and hated the world.
13. When I went temporarily anti-social. (This includes the phase in which I obsessed over the thought that "nobody understands me.")
14. When I thought I was inspirational and that it was my duty to share my life experiences with all of the sad, helpless people in the world.
15. When I overused "your mom" jokes.

I sincerely hope history doesn't actually repeat itself.

Ice Cold

I wasn't necessarily sad or depressed, just a bit... overwhelmed. There were so many emotions all at once. So much going on in that moment. Sad crying always involved uneven breaths, hot tears, red face, etc. This was different. I lay there on my back, staring at the ceiling, merely thinking. I was breathing slowly and evenly when suddenly, I felt them. Those two ice cold tears that ran from the outer corners of my eyes down to my ears. I've never cried like that before. I'd never felt that way before; I felt ice cold.

12-12-12

Today is December 12, 2012. 12-12-12.
I really wanted to do something exciting today, so someday I could look back and say, "I did _______ on 12-12-12."
So far I've done absolutely nothing today. I slept through school, took a test, pranked my friend, and walked home in the cold. Now I'm just sitting here complaining about the fact that now that I'm 16 I have to do my own laundry, but I have NO idea how to do laundry, so every item of clothing I own is dirty. At least on 11-11-11 I was with a friend. When I look back on 12-12-12 all I'm going to remember is that I was just sitting being forever alone.

16 Really Is Pretty Sweet

My friend's and I have a "Confession" notebook where we basically write random facts about ourselves to get to know each other better. I was in math, writing in the notebook with my purple pen. At the top of the page I wrote "Confession #140: Now that I'm sixteen I really want to go on a date," and continued to write random confessions. When I was about 3/4 down the page, one of my guyfriends came up behind me and looked at the notebook. I quickly covered it with my arms and smiled innocently up at him. I had already had a different boy in that class try to read it, but that time I covered it up before he saw anything. This time I was a bit slow.

"I saw that first line," he said, "I'll do it. I'm grounded right now, but when I can, I will." He smiled.

At first I didn't register what he had said. What is he talking about? I looked down at my notebook, back at him, and turned a shade of red that there isn't even a word for. He gave me a fist bump and sat back down in his seat.

I think being 16 is going to be alright.

Stay Close

I was happy on Saturday. My closest friends gathered at my house for my birthday party. I was excited to have them all there, but a lot of my friends are really loud and my quieter friends seemed kind of awkwarded out. After the loudest, most out-of-key, and most hideous birthday song I've ever heard, I looked around at all of those girls whom I deeply care about. It makes me wish I had more TIME, you know? I wish I could better keep up with all of my friends, but there's just not enough days in the weekend. And after weekends pass and I see some of those beloved friends drift away, it just breaks my heart. I wish I could see their point of view. Is clinging to them totally in vain? Am I still something that they want in their lives? I can't be sure.

Today in church I had to leave all of my besties in Mia Maids and go to Laurels. The girls in Laurels are cool, but they kind of do their own thing. It's not their fault that there's a year age difference between me and them. But I'm not really included in there and it's awkward. I wish I could stay with my younger friends.

I wish I could stay close with all of my friends. It's just hard.

High Five Sunday

I was in a really good mood at church today for no particular reason. My cheeks ached from smiling as I gave high fives to almost all of the youth in my ward. Later I noticed there was a girl visiting with an older relative so she didn't know anyone in Young Women. I could tell she was a little uncomfortable and I really wanted to see her smile. I always feel shy around people I've never met and it took me a good ten minutes to decide the precise moment I should approach her. I finally went up to her and asked her name. She told me her name, I said it was nice to meet her, she smiled, and I gave her a high five. It was a great feeling.

My Birthday

If you are or ever will be friends with me, you have to know that my most favorite thing in the entire world is my birthday. I LOVE my birthday. I seriously start counting down the days a month in advance. And then when the day rolls around, I celebrate it all week. I get super happy and excited and it is seriously just the best thing. I think it's so awesome that there's a holiday to celebrate one's existence. I never understood my friends that you tell them "Happy Birthday" and they say, "Oh, that was today?" I'm the complete opposite. I give all of my friends the countdown... every single day. (3 days!) And on December 5th they all have no doubt what day it is. Because my birthday is seriously the best freakin' day of the entire year. Sweet 16, here I come.