Days

I've had days this month that were really good. They were days that I felt pretty or I laughed with my friends or did good in school. But writing about those days almost seems like a waste. What is there to write about besides the fact that for no hugely significant reason, I was happy that day? On the contrary, you might say the same about the sad days, but on happy days I don't need to vent. On sad days all I need is to be heard, even if it's only by myself, seeing my own words typed out on the screen.
Today I walked home in the bitter cold after a hard day. A few tears were shed but then quickly dried up in the corners of my eyes, thanks to the freezing wind that also bit at my ears and tousled my up-do. I thought deeply about how hard 2013 has already proved to be. Through all of the hardship, I've been struggling with my relationship with God. I am often frustrated by the fact that there is not a single human being on this earth who knows what it's like to be me. They tell me that Jesus knows, but how can he possibly? I know about the Atonement, but it's still so hard to wrap my head around. I can't help but feel so very lonely on these days when I walk home alone in the cold.

I Don't Agree With You

He and I have been friends ever since I was 13. He always liked me, and for a while I liked him, but I soon realized that a romantic relationship between us wouldn't work. It was a realization that he never had. For a long time now I've been striving to maintain a normal friendship, but he always seemed to think that there could be something more.
"We just don't belong together," I said.
"I don't agree with you," he replied.
Frustrated, I shot back, "It doesn't matter if you agree. It never works out and you know it."
I think that hurt his feelings.
He won't reply to my texts or emails.
I hate this. I don't know how he is feeling or what's going on and I detest having such a lack of closure. I still care for him as a friend. He thinks I want him out of my life, but I don't. He doesn't understand.
Maybe he never will. He won't even speak to me.

Quotes of the Day

The End of an Era

He said,
"There is always a spot for you in my heart, nothing will ever change that. I'm not going to write some long thing. There is no need, because what I'm saying won't mean anything to you. I don't mean that harshly, I just know that your mind is made up. And it has been for years."

I read those words a few minutes ago and right now I feel so strange. I feel like crying, and not the pity party kind or the heartbroken kind. It's the kind when you feel a little a little stung, like everything inside you is numb.
He and I used to fight all the time. I've received and sent plenty of serious emails, but back then every time felt the same.
This time, it's different.

Curly Confidence

My mom says self-esteem and confidence shouldn't be based off of what other people think about you.

Well, today, I curled my hair.

Everyone said I looked pretty.

So today, I felt pretty.

And I kind of hate myself for that.

Art

"These are the principles of art," they say. These are the rules of how art should be. But I don't want rules. It may seem unintelligent, but art shouldn't have to be about about the technicality. I just want to make something beautiful. I just want to express my emotions. I don't care if people look at my art and see good lines and nice shapes.
I want them to see me. 

The Ride Home

The bell rang. It was 2:15 on a Friday afternoon, I was itching to get home, but I remembered something: I forgot my coat in Biology. I treaded down the 700 hall to find the classroom door locked. Outside the glass doors of the school looked like the beginnings of a blizzard. The last time I walked home in weather like that I ended up looking like this:

I wasn't looking forward to it, and definitely not without a coat. I went looking for the lost and found just to make sure my teacher hadn't taken it there. The main office redirected me to the attendance office, and the attendance office redirected me to the principal / the keeper of all keys. He held the door open for me at the door leading out of the office, so I seized the opportunity to tell him about my situation. He didn't even hesitate as he happily and swiftly started down the hallway. I trailed behind and watched him enthusiastically greet every student who made eye contact with him. He unlocked the door and I retrieved my coat from my desk where I had left it. I thanked him and left the school.
Still eager to get home, I put Radioactive on my iPod and walked briskly accross the parking lot. A car in front of me was gesturing in my general direction, but I'm pretty used to being invisible, so I assumed it was for someone behind me. My music was pretty loud, but after a couple seconds I could understand the word "Tessa." I took my earphones out and said something along the lines of "Oh... hey!" It was the sister of one of my old friends. She offered me a ride home. I got in the back side of the car and talked with her and her mom on the drive to my house. To be honest... I've always had a mini crush on her little brother / "one of my old friends." I asked how he was doing. They asked me if I had his number, and I said he hasn't replied to my texts in a while. When they said he recently changed his number... I tried not to sound too excited. I had been a little bummed that he hadn't been replying. His sister asked for my number and said she would give it to him. I thanked them profusely for the ride home, and I was just secretly grateful for the phone number thing. The whole situation just made my day.

And guess what? None of it would have happened if I hadn't left my coat in Biology.

This Will Make Sense in Heaven

You're all probably going to be annoyed at me for posting songs every two seconds... but I found this great song today called Heaven by Mike Posner. He wrote this song for the families of the victims of the shooting in Conneticut. I think it's beautiful and I love the lyrics. It says: "They say that time will make you better. And I hope that what they say is true. . . I know this isn't right. But maybe this will make sense in Heaven, and I'll understand why you're gone. Maybe this will make sense in Heaven, cause right now it doesn't make sense at all."

Now I'm going all churchy here and saying that I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the gospel. I gives so much perspective on our purpose and why things happen. I feel like because of it I can be comforted to know that everything will be okay in the end. Sometimes I have moments where things just don't make sense. I may not know why I or a friend has particular trial, but I know at the end of the day that someday it WILL make sense. Whether later in this life or in the next, everything will be okay.

Song Obsessions: December / January

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. I said, "Pandora knows me better than any of my friends." He said, "Musically at least..." and I said, "That's one of the best ways to know me."
(If you don't know what Pandora Internet Radio is, I highly recommend you make an account. I'm OBSESSED with it. Basically you tell your radio which songs and/or artists you like, and it plays things that match your music taste. I love it so much.)
On that note, here is the last two month's song obsessions.

I discovered Olly Murs a couple weeks ago. He is a British artist with an album coming out in the U.S. this year. I love his music... and he's SO cute.

I don't know if I can stop now. 

I'm going too fast, heart first,

My head just can't slow me down.

~Oh My Goodness by Olly Murs~

Just close your eyes,

We can dance all through the night.

~Dance With Me Tonight by Olly Murs~

Right from the start

You were a theif, 

You stole my heart.

And I, your willing victim. 

~Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk (feat. Nate Ruess from Fun.)~

There's nothing like you and me

Together through the storm.

~Nothing Like Us by Justin Bieber~

This next one is a REALLY good angry song. Just throwing that out there.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones, 

Enough to make my systems blow.

~Radioactive by Imagine Dragons~