He Is Totally Reading This

Dear Ale, I typed into a new email.

I'm in Digital Photo right now. I finished my assignment... this class can be super boring sometimes because 75% of the time we're not even editing pictures. We mostly just take notes and quizzes. Kinda lame.
I'm extremely pleased with the fact that it's Friday. This has been the longest week of all time.

I briefly paused my letter-writing to check my grades, but then returned to Gmail.

So I was checking my grades just now, and the guy next to me (who is clearly very bored) was watching me. "YOU HAVE A C+??" he teased in a surprised voice. "Yeah, I'm not very good at math..." I said. He retaliated, "Psh, but you're a sophomore in Pre Calculus " I told him that was totally beside the point. It wasn't a big deal to skip Pre-Algebra in 7th grade. It doesn't mean I'm good at math. I think that's the longest conversation I've had with him all term.
Fifteen minutes left of class... I'm dying over here.

In the corner of my eye, the boy next to me was... doing nothing... which was suspicious. Earlier he had been  looking at photoshopped pictures of Obama riding dinosaurs on the internet and making them the wallpaper of his computer. Now, he was just sitting. Most boys are WAY to A.D.D. to do nothing but sit still.
He was definitely reading my email.
I chose to take advantage of the situation and mess with him a bit.

Remember that one time we killed that guy and hid his body under your porch? That was so funny! Great times.

I paused, listening for a reaction. He said nothing. Maybe I needed to sound even scarier. Crazy Teenage Girl Mode: Activated.

My life has been pretty boring without a crush. Like, I basically have nothing to daydream about anymore. I just think about nothing and/or the present moment. Which, we all know, is not nearly as fun as making up scenarios that will never happen. Like the one where he and I sit in the movie theater together and share popcorn and during that romantic scene we look at each other and--
Okay. I'll stop. I'm probably killing you right now.

It took every ounce of self control in my body not to laugh. But still, no reaction from him. He was a nut that was tough to crack, but I was determined to break him.

I'm pretty positive the kid next to me is reading this email. So IF HE IS READING THIS HE SHOULD TELL ME RIGHT NOW.....

"Heh heh." IT WAS A LAUGH. I distinctly heard it escape his lips. I smiled. Cracked.

He is totally reading this.
Hahahahaha oh man... I have a story to tell you later.

-ttyl-
<3/Tessa

I signed out of my email and turned off my computer, three minutes of class left. I sat in my chair for a moment, silent. The boy next to me sat there in silence too, perhaps in anticipation.
"How did you know I was reading it?"
I laughed and we smiled at each other. "I just knew."

Song Obsessions: February

I don't know if anyone cares anything about these songs posts, but I enjoy making them, so...

I want to hide the truth,

I want to shelter you,

But with the beast inside

There's nowhere we can hide.

~Demons by Imagine Dragons~

Don't say goodbye, keep us alive,

Cause my world would stop if we didn't try.

Can we pretend, just for tonight?

Cause those words would tear the stars from the sky.

Don't say goodbye.

~Don't Say Goodbye by Olly Murs~

I usually hate Rihanna songs, but I love this one.

Funny you're the broken one,
when I'm the one who needed saving.
Cause when you never see the light,
It's hard to know which one of us is caving.
~Stay by Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko~

Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun,
And when you're close I feel like coming undone.
~Untouchable by Taylor Swift~

Days

I've had days this month that were really good. They were days that I felt pretty or I laughed with my friends or did good in school. But writing about those days almost seems like a waste. What is there to write about besides the fact that for no hugely significant reason, I was happy that day? On the contrary, you might say the same about the sad days, but on happy days I don't need to vent. On sad days all I need is to be heard, even if it's only by myself, seeing my own words typed out on the screen.
Today I walked home in the bitter cold after a hard day. A few tears were shed but then quickly dried up in the corners of my eyes, thanks to the freezing wind that also bit at my ears and tousled my up-do. I thought deeply about how hard 2013 has already proved to be. Through all of the hardship, I've been struggling with my relationship with God. I am often frustrated by the fact that there is not a single human being on this earth who knows what it's like to be me. They tell me that Jesus knows, but how can he possibly? I know about the Atonement, but it's still so hard to wrap my head around. I can't help but feel so very lonely on these days when I walk home alone in the cold.

I Don't Agree With You

He and I have been friends ever since I was 13. He always liked me, and for a while I liked him, but I soon realized that a romantic relationship between us wouldn't work. It was a realization that he never had. For a long time now I've been striving to maintain a normal friendship, but he always seemed to think that there could be something more.
"We just don't belong together," I said.
"I don't agree with you," he replied.
Frustrated, I shot back, "It doesn't matter if you agree. It never works out and you know it."
I think that hurt his feelings.
He won't reply to my texts or emails.
I hate this. I don't know how he is feeling or what's going on and I detest having such a lack of closure. I still care for him as a friend. He thinks I want him out of my life, but I don't. He doesn't understand.
Maybe he never will. He won't even speak to me.

Quotes of the Day

The End of an Era

He said,
"There is always a spot for you in my heart, nothing will ever change that. I'm not going to write some long thing. There is no need, because what I'm saying won't mean anything to you. I don't mean that harshly, I just know that your mind is made up. And it has been for years."

I read those words a few minutes ago and right now I feel so strange. I feel like crying, and not the pity party kind or the heartbroken kind. It's the kind when you feel a little a little stung, like everything inside you is numb.
He and I used to fight all the time. I've received and sent plenty of serious emails, but back then every time felt the same.
This time, it's different.

Curly Confidence

My mom says self-esteem and confidence shouldn't be based off of what other people think about you.

Well, today, I curled my hair.

Everyone said I looked pretty.

So today, I felt pretty.

And I kind of hate myself for that.

Art

"These are the principles of art," they say. These are the rules of how art should be. But I don't want rules. It may seem unintelligent, but art shouldn't have to be about about the technicality. I just want to make something beautiful. I just want to express my emotions. I don't care if people look at my art and see good lines and nice shapes.
I want them to see me. 

The Ride Home

The bell rang. It was 2:15 on a Friday afternoon, I was itching to get home, but I remembered something: I forgot my coat in Biology. I treaded down the 700 hall to find the classroom door locked. Outside the glass doors of the school looked like the beginnings of a blizzard. The last time I walked home in weather like that I ended up looking like this:

I wasn't looking forward to it, and definitely not without a coat. I went looking for the lost and found just to make sure my teacher hadn't taken it there. The main office redirected me to the attendance office, and the attendance office redirected me to the principal / the keeper of all keys. He held the door open for me at the door leading out of the office, so I seized the opportunity to tell him about my situation. He didn't even hesitate as he happily and swiftly started down the hallway. I trailed behind and watched him enthusiastically greet every student who made eye contact with him. He unlocked the door and I retrieved my coat from my desk where I had left it. I thanked him and left the school.
Still eager to get home, I put Radioactive on my iPod and walked briskly accross the parking lot. A car in front of me was gesturing in my general direction, but I'm pretty used to being invisible, so I assumed it was for someone behind me. My music was pretty loud, but after a couple seconds I could understand the word "Tessa." I took my earphones out and said something along the lines of "Oh... hey!" It was the sister of one of my old friends. She offered me a ride home. I got in the back side of the car and talked with her and her mom on the drive to my house. To be honest... I've always had a mini crush on her little brother / "one of my old friends." I asked how he was doing. They asked me if I had his number, and I said he hasn't replied to my texts in a while. When they said he recently changed his number... I tried not to sound too excited. I had been a little bummed that he hadn't been replying. His sister asked for my number and said she would give it to him. I thanked them profusely for the ride home, and I was just secretly grateful for the phone number thing. The whole situation just made my day.

And guess what? None of it would have happened if I hadn't left my coat in Biology.

This Will Make Sense in Heaven

You're all probably going to be annoyed at me for posting songs every two seconds... but I found this great song today called Heaven by Mike Posner. He wrote this song for the families of the victims of the shooting in Conneticut. I think it's beautiful and I love the lyrics. It says: "They say that time will make you better. And I hope that what they say is true. . . I know this isn't right. But maybe this will make sense in Heaven, and I'll understand why you're gone. Maybe this will make sense in Heaven, cause right now it doesn't make sense at all."

Now I'm going all churchy here and saying that I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the gospel. I gives so much perspective on our purpose and why things happen. I feel like because of it I can be comforted to know that everything will be okay in the end. Sometimes I have moments where things just don't make sense. I may not know why I or a friend has particular trial, but I know at the end of the day that someday it WILL make sense. Whether later in this life or in the next, everything will be okay.