Watching Closely

I was just about to give up on Steven.
I decided to give it one last shot before I concluded he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I included him in my  prayers Saturday night, little hope left in my shaken heart. The next day was Mom's birthday and I texted Steve and asked him to come. Steve never replies to texts, not even to most of his friends. But he replied to mine. "What time?"
I couldn't have been more happy. Steve came over and he actually talked to me. I showed him some of my favorite songs and he said even though we don't see each other very often I could message him anytime on Facebook and we could talk.

I think back to how I was just about to give up. Heavenly Father knew that, and He didn't want me to. I believe he watches very closely.

Marriage

As my class walked into Seminary we all received a number on a card. The boys had blue cards and the girls had pick. We then found our matching number and had to sit next to them as husband and wife the rest of class. There were only a few really attractive people and a couple of the boys in the class I really didn't like. I was holding my breath as I looked around the room. Ah ha. 7. Inside had a giddy smile as attractive and surprisingly really nice guy sat next to me.
"Hey Tessa."
Holy cow he knows my name! I marveled in my head. I figured I was invisible to most of the people at school.

We watched Disney love scenes and filled out worksheets about what we want out future spouses to be like. Then we talked about Isaac's wife, Rebekah, and all of her good traits.
When class was over I didn't want to say anything awkward like "It was nice being married to you" or something so I just smiled and left.

Later in the lunch line I stood with my friend, chatting away. And of course my husband ends up in the line right next to me with his group of attractive friends. "That's my wife," he said to them, smiling. We all laughed and for a moment I felt all of their eyes on me. Popular people never notice me, I thought and smiled back.
"You're blushing like crazy," my friend said to me when we turned back to face the front of the line. That just made me blush more, my face a fiery red.

It was a good day to be married.

A Different Kind of Heartbreak

Half of you might not even know that I have an older brother.
He's Janell's twin and he's ignored me my entire life. He doesn't really like children. Growing up and never let it bother me, but when I got older I guess it felt like an injustice that my only older brother didn't love me.
One of the few times Steve was over last year, Mom sent him to do an errand and, to my surprise, he asked me to tag along. We drove down the road in his red car that smelled just like him with BoysLikeGirls music blasting crazily loud through the speakers. As we wandered through the store I told him about all of my boy problems and he gave me advice. We talked for a long time and I felt like I had just made a new friend. When he dropped me off at home I said goodbye and he promised we'd talk again soon.

The next time he came over months later I tried to talk to him but he seemed to have better and more important things to do. He ignored me and continued to talk to Mom and Dad about something I wasn't paying attention to. This happened every time he came over from then on. I tried to stick around him whenever he came over and act especially mature to show him I'm not a child anymore. Sometimes I would put on BoysLikeGirls hoping he would notice. Nothing made a difference.
A couple months ago he dropped by to get some mail. He gathered his papers and it wasn't long before he was headed back out the door. I didn't know when I would see him again. I decided to speak up. "Steve," I begged, "Give me a hug." He briefly smiled, his lips surrounded by longish stubble, and gave me a warm embrace. He then turned the door knob, took one last look at the living room with his grey-blue eyes, and disappeared behind the door.

A few weeks later a lady from our ward was visiting our house. She asked how Steve was doing and I started to cry. I could still smell his cologne and feel his hug in my mind. As I told her about my need for my older brother, she made me a promise. She said she'd pray every night for he and I to be friends again. She said she wouldn't ever give up. Every Sunday after church when I would see her in the halls she would pull me in a close hug and whisper in my ear. "We're still trying, okay?"

Steve came by last night. I didn't play any music, I didn't try hard to look good, I didn't even go upstairs. I just listened to his footsteps walk out the door and wonder why I even try to make him love me.

Free

I think because I had a bad experience people think I don't have crushes anymore. Let me tell you a secret. If a teen girl says "I don't like anyone" you can assume it's the biggest lie you've ever heard. I have like 4 crushes right now. I just don't go parading around announcing it to the world like I used to. No, I'm not going to tell you who I like, so don't ask.
Back in my obsessive days, all I thought about was the same person, 24/7. My emotions were based off how many times I had seen him that day. It was not good at all. It's great to know what a little crush feels like rather than an obsession. Every once in a while someone will make me smile, but then I can still move on with my normal life. Thinking about it today, I realized how free I feel. I'm happy.

Arachnophobia

I have an intense fear of spiders. And today I walked down the hall to find a lovely surprise. It's eight long, curved legs twitched disgustingly and a high-pitched screech escaped from my lips. I ran up the stairs, searching frantically for a weapon. My offense of choice: a ten-pound dumbbell. I carried it quickly down the stairs and entered my room. I approached the vial creature, but within about three feet of it's creeping body I stopped. I couldn't get any closer. The originally stationary spider had a spurt of movement in which it scurried a few inches across the floor. I jumped back in alarm. If I took even one more step that spider would be he death of me.
I called Braden. I was on the brink of hysteria on the phone. "Where are you???"
"I'm getting a ride home, what do you want?"
"There's a spider on the floor in my room and I can't kill it!" I was talking a billion miles an hour. "COMEHOMEI'MGONNADIE!"
"Watch the spider so we don't lose it, I'll be there in a sec."
I hung up the phone, staring at the spider. It made quick, jerky movements, and every time it even twitched my throat squelched in horror. I felt like I was watching it for hours. It made its way into my blue sweatshirt hanging on the closet doorknob. I was hyperventilating by the time Braden got home.

With a quick swing of his leg, his foot slammed down on the monster, putting an end to my misery. Thank heavens for little brothers.

Where I Belong

I sat on the grass, feeling lonely. I had stayed after school, but no one at the house could give me a ride home. I wanted to call Kayla, but I didn't want to sound pathetic or annoying. After a few minutes I did anyway, and she happily came and rescued me.
"How was your day?"
I felt like sobbing. And after about 3 words, I did.
"I don't belong anywhere," I ranted, "I had a billion friends last year and most of them don't even acknowledge my presence anymore. I don't really have a group of friends these days, it's like I just follow around the same one friend. Sometimes I don't even feel like I belong in the nerd herd anymore. Everywhere I go I feel out of place. Even when I'm alone I don't feel accepted because I don't even like myself."

I'm pretty sure Heaven was eavesdropping on my conversation and was determined to prove me wrong.

Friday my parents, Braden, and I went up to Gardner Village. I haven't seen my mom so happy for a really long time. And you know what they say; when Mom's happy, everybody's happy. I took pictures obsessively and loved spending time and goofing off with my family.
Then on Saturday night I went to a "Halloween party" that was really a surprise birthday party for my friend. Those girls are so amazing and made me feel so loved. We laughed hysterically and had a great time together.

The weekend really did show me where I belong in this world, and I'm so incredibly grateful.

Weak Things

I've had a screaming headache. For over 48 hours.
And lately I can't seem to keep going back. Just thinking about memories, the way things used to be. I think it's becoming a bad habit. Life just used to be a lot better.
I've felt hated and beat up in the past few weeks. By myself and some people very close to me. I've asked myself a lot of "Why?" and "What if...?" questions.
It's the end of term. This school year has been rough. And when I come to think of it, they just get rougher every year. Does it go on like this forever? No wonder people die when they're old. By then they're lives must be pure misery.
I wish I understood everything, but I don't. I hardly understand anything right now. So I'm here, typing a pessimistic blog post while listening to a loud pounding in my head.

Ether 12:27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

For All Girls

I look at all those girls at school. They all seem to have the perfect life. Every day is a good hair day, they have all of the fashionable clothes, they're gorgeous, they're skinny, they're talented at everything, and all of the popular boys revolve around them. And then I look at myself. Bad hair days, no fashionable clothes, frumpy, overweight, clumsy, and a failure at everything I attempt.
I feel judged all the time. I'm insecure, sometimes I hate myself. I'm sleep deprived. I wish I was anyone but myself. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from my own body. A lot of times I think, "Of all people, why am I me?"
I feel like I can never be good enough.

If you feel like this too, read back at the top paragraph. And remember that you're one of those girls at school to everyone but yourself.

You Are Amazing.

People Change

I hate how much people change. One minute they're one person and the next they're someone you've never even seen before. I mean, I've changed a lot, too, since then but I'm still me. I just don't understand how someone can be your friend one day and be the friend of your one and only enemy the next.
Or how someone can be your prince charming one day and turn into your one and only enemy the next.
Or how someone can be your best friend since you were 2 years old one day and just ignore the fact that you exist the next.
Or how someone can look up to you one day and think you're a freak teenager the next.

Why does everyone has to change? Why do people come into our lives just to leave? Why did we even have to know them in the first place if it wasn't going to last? Why can't we just have ONE friend that stays around?

I don't understand.