Math Blues

I was always good at math. When the teacher explained a new concept, it just made sense. If you had two apples and added another two, you then had four apples, and my brain had no trouble comprehending it. It stayed that way for years. All through elementary school math was fast and simple. In seventh grade I skipped Pre-Algebra and still Algebra was an easy A. I enjoyed having the top test scores in the class, even though no one else knew I did. Geometry was a misery because my teacher was evil and I figured it wasn't  my fault that I started getting B+s.

Algebra 2 has been like nothing I've ever had to endure before. I rarely understand the lesson in class and have to go home and study the textbook (which of course is written in jibberish...). If I get a B on a test I'm extremely proud because most of the time I get a C or C+, even after doing every homework assignment and solving every problem on the test.

It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world.

I feel a loss, like a part of me is gone and was replaced by something hideous and foreign. I've failed myself.

I think my biggest fear for high school is Pre-Calculus. I don't know if I'll survive.

Celebrity Crushes.

I've decided to bless you all with these lovely photos of my celebrity crushes. Enjoy.

Justin Bieber.

Age: 18 on March 1st

Canadian

Fact: I have18 Bieber songs on my iPod and I've seen his movie Never Say Never approximately 14 times.

David Archuleta.

Age: 21

American (Technically 1/2 Honduran on his mother's side)

Fact: I've met him in real life at Deseret Book, he signed my magazine. I also saw him live at the MoTab Christmas concert 2010.

Fact #2: He is LDS and going on a mission soon.

Harry Styles.

Member of One Direction.

Age: 18

British

Fact: HE HAS GREEN EYES.<3

Cody Simpson.

Age: 15

Australian

Fact: I'm one month older than him.

Bruno Mars.

Age: 26

Hawaiian

Fact: I've been to his concert... it was amazing.

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True story.

It's Not Love

I haven't blogged much lately because most of what has gone on in my life and in my head lately I really don't want the whole world to read.

I'll start off this post by saying that teenagers ages 12-16 learn a lot of new things about life in general all at once. A LOT.

I've learned a few more new things the past few weeks. Some things I learned with the help of others. 

One thing is that I like a good story. A good love story, too. I also learned that I've never been in love, even when I thought I was a few times. (Romantically, that is.)

I researched a lot on the difference between 'like' and 'love'. I concluded that when you love you just know. And when you question it, it's not love. I guess that's a good enough answer for me. I know I'm only fifteen and have a lot more time to learn more and eventually love, so I've decided I'm just going to stop worrying about it.

I'll just stick to listening to good advice by Taylor Swift.

"When you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you,

You're gonna believe them.

And when you're fifteen don't forget to look before you fall.

I've found time can heal most anything,

And you might find who you're supposed to be.

I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen..."

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

Over and Over

"Wise men say only fools rush in,
But I can't help falling in love with you."
--Elvis Presley
Thanks to Footnotes, this has been in my head all day.
Also today I had one of those moments. One of those sweet moments in one of those perfect days. The ones you keep playing over and over in your head and you don't know why.

Friend #2

I haven't really felt like blogging lately because I knew I couldn't keep myself from saying something really stupid. This post may be really dumb anyway. But if it is, don't tell me.

The past few weeks I've felt like Friend #2. My group of friends have parties without me and post the pictures all over Facebook. When my friend's apartment set on fire a few weeks ago and she came to sleep at my house, she admitted if Ally had been home she would be at her house instead of mine. I don't know, little things like this have been happening everywhere I go. I feel like the friend people only talk to when the rest of their friends are busy. Like they're all thinking, "If absolutely nothing else... there's Tessa."

This guy from school liked me ever since 7th grade and it wasn't until recently I finally started softening up to him. On Thursday at my friend's house she was talking to him on the phone. I was in the other room and the phone wasn't on speaker, but I could still hear everything they said. She was teasing him and quizzing him on his crushes. "Would you ever marry ********?" she asked him.
"Yes," He said.
"Would you ever marry Tessa?"
"No."
I stood around the corner, perfectly still, making sure I could hear every word. After they switched subjects I walked back into the room and lay down on the couch. I don't care, I said in my head, his opinion of me doesn't mean anything. But when the gorgeous girl he DOES like showed up at the door, I felt a little different. "Hey Tessa," she said as she walked in. I didn't reply. I didn't feel like talking ever again.
"Are you okay?" both of my friends asked in unison as they hung up the phone.
I shook my head, but I didn't want to explain. I didn't want to marry him in the first place, it's kind of obvious I wouldn't, but I felt like Friend #2 more than ever before. Like I would never be important enough to anyone to ever be their #1. The more I thought about it the more I felt like crying. I pulled a pillow over my face as quietly sobbed, two hot tears sliding down onto the couch. They sat by me the entire time.
 When he texted me and asked what was wrong, the sadness melted away and all I felt was anger. I told him I heard everything and that I didn't want to talk to him at all. That was pretty much the end of our conversation.

Last night Kayla and I went to Guru's restaurant in Provo to see Allred perform. Before we left we did each other's hair and make-up. I told her my story and how I felt about everything that had been going on. "You're my #1," she said with a smile. I couldn't have been more grateful to have the most amazing sister in the world at that moment.

She's MY Friend #1.

Snapshots

True fact.

Uninvited

I had one friend that I had throughout my entire childhood. I've been invited to every birthday party she's ever had, and the same the other way around. Until now, I guess, because I'm pretty sure she didn't skip out on a Sweet 16. The party isn't even important, it just makes me wonder what it all means...

The End of Another Year

Last year around this time I was excited for 2010 to be over. I was happy to be leaving behind crummy memories of heartbreak and drama and loneliness that no one wanted to talk about even when I needed to talk. I knew the next year would be different, as they all are. For better or worse... and hoping for better... I was ready for it.

This year I feel different. Like I haven't really accomplished anything. (Except get fatter. Which isn't actually an accomplishment at all.) It frustrates me. I'm not ready for the new year this year. I feel like I've procrastinated and need some sort of due date to be extended so I can do something important before the year's over. When I actually look back, a lot of good things have happened this year. So why do I feel so empty?

.

Crazy

The past few weeks before Christmas break I went crazy. Literally.
There was this guy. We were always just friends but one particularly lonely day I decided I had feelings for him. Then the next day he was just a friend. Then the next day I had feelings for him again. The pattern continued for probably 2 weeks, confusing my poor small brain more than it could stand. At a sleepover at Ally's a few days ago I texted him and told him I kind of liked him. I went on this whole dramatic tangent and felt good that he finally knew. But what do you know? It's Christmas Eve, and he's right back to friend status.
I sent him the most awkward email in the world saying so.

What is wrong with me?

Those Little Things I'll Never Say

There are some people that should NEVER know what I think about them. But others... I kind of wish I could tell them but know it would be the most humiliating thing I could ever do. I tell myself that on the last day of school I can just go ahead and tell them, considering I'll never see them again. But what if I do see them again? It's all so complicated.