How Embarrassing.

I check my blog stats every once in a while.
Blogger lets you see what people have been Googling to get to your blog.
On that lovely list of Google searches, along with Harry Styles and goat wrestling, was the name of my seventh grade crush.
I was and still am slightly horrified.
Mainly because when it was all over, I spent DAYS deleting his name out of my posts. DAYS.
But today I discovered, to my disgust, there were a few that I missed. (Which I quickly edited.)
I'm just so embarrassed.
I can delete the name or entire posts all day, but I can never delete the past. Even though I REALLY wish I could right now.
At CVJH I felt like that whole thing that happened in 7th grade was part of my reputation, and when I went to Timpanogos, it was like I had finally escaped it.
But apparently I didn't get far enough away, and it followed me all the way here, up to this horribly embarrassing moment.
I'm sick of these memories catching up to me every time I run away.

love is so short, forgetting is so long.

"There's an old poem by Neruda that I've always been captivated by, and one of the lines in it has stuck with me ever since the first time I read it. It says, "love is so short, forgetting is so long." It's a line I've related to in my saddest moments, when I needed to know someone else had felt that exact same way. When we're trying to move on, the moments we always go back to aren't the mundane ones. They are the moments you saw sparks that weren't really there, felt stars aligning without having any proof, saw your future before it happened, and then saw it slip away without any warning. These are the moments of new-found hope, extreme joy, intense passion, wishful thinking, and in some cases, the unthinkable letdown."

--Taylor Swift

15 Phases That I'm Not Proud Of

Do any of you have that period of your life that you look back on and think, Really? I've been cleaning off my blog a little this week; reading posts I wrote as a hopeless 13-year-old is a little rough. If you've been reading my blog since then... I'm truly sorry you had to live through that. I'm embarrassed to think that I ever posted some of that stuff on my blog, but now that at least 25 people have already read it anyway, I might as well make fun of myself a bit. Therefore I've created this lovely list of the top 15 phases of my life that I'm not proud of. (Most of which took place in Jr. High....... It's a rough time...)
15 Phases of My Life That I'm Not Proud Of
1. When I thought I was a super good writer..... Awkward.
2. When I thought I was a super good artist/musician..... Even more awkward.
3. When I lost all sense of fashion for a while there.
4. When I had crazy caveman eyebrows.
5. When I over-plucked my eyebrows into tiny stubs.
6. When I was obsessed with taking pictures of myself.
7. When my Facebook profile pictures were the ones I constantly took of myself despite my stubby eyebrows. *sigh*
8. When I obsessed over my first big crush, whom I wrote about on my blog... by name. BAD IDEA.
9. When I spent months mourning the loss of the relationship I never had.
10. When a guy had a crush on me, whom I didn't like back, but I still pretty much led him on for two years.
11. When I finally warmed up to the idea of liking him just as he stopped liking me....... Awkward x 1000.
12. When I got angry at everyone and hated the world.
13. When I went temporarily anti-social. (This includes the phase in which I obsessed over the thought that "nobody understands me.")
14. When I thought I was inspirational and that it was my duty to share my life experiences with all of the sad, helpless people in the world.
15. When I overused "your mom" jokes.

I sincerely hope history doesn't actually repeat itself.

Ice Cold

I wasn't necessarily sad or depressed, just a bit... overwhelmed. There were so many emotions all at once. So much going on in that moment. Sad crying always involved uneven breaths, hot tears, red face, etc. This was different. I lay there on my back, staring at the ceiling, merely thinking. I was breathing slowly and evenly when suddenly, I felt them. Those two ice cold tears that ran from the outer corners of my eyes down to my ears. I've never cried like that before. I'd never felt that way before; I felt ice cold.

12-12-12

Today is December 12, 2012. 12-12-12.
I really wanted to do something exciting today, so someday I could look back and say, "I did _______ on 12-12-12."
So far I've done absolutely nothing today. I slept through school, took a test, pranked my friend, and walked home in the cold. Now I'm just sitting here complaining about the fact that now that I'm 16 I have to do my own laundry, but I have NO idea how to do laundry, so every item of clothing I own is dirty. At least on 11-11-11 I was with a friend. When I look back on 12-12-12 all I'm going to remember is that I was just sitting being forever alone.

16 Really Is Pretty Sweet

My friend's and I have a "Confession" notebook where we basically write random facts about ourselves to get to know each other better. I was in math, writing in the notebook with my purple pen. At the top of the page I wrote "Confession #140: Now that I'm sixteen I really want to go on a date," and continued to write random confessions. When I was about 3/4 down the page, one of my guyfriends came up behind me and looked at the notebook. I quickly covered it with my arms and smiled innocently up at him. I had already had a different boy in that class try to read it, but that time I covered it up before he saw anything. This time I was a bit slow.

"I saw that first line," he said, "I'll do it. I'm grounded right now, but when I can, I will." He smiled.

At first I didn't register what he had said. What is he talking about? I looked down at my notebook, back at him, and turned a shade of red that there isn't even a word for. He gave me a fist bump and sat back down in his seat.

I think being 16 is going to be alright.

Stay Close

I was happy on Saturday. My closest friends gathered at my house for my birthday party. I was excited to have them all there, but a lot of my friends are really loud and my quieter friends seemed kind of awkwarded out. After the loudest, most out-of-key, and most hideous birthday song I've ever heard, I looked around at all of those girls whom I deeply care about. It makes me wish I had more TIME, you know? I wish I could better keep up with all of my friends, but there's just not enough days in the weekend. And after weekends pass and I see some of those beloved friends drift away, it just breaks my heart. I wish I could see their point of view. Is clinging to them totally in vain? Am I still something that they want in their lives? I can't be sure.

Today in church I had to leave all of my besties in Mia Maids and go to Laurels. The girls in Laurels are cool, but they kind of do their own thing. It's not their fault that there's a year age difference between me and them. But I'm not really included in there and it's awkward. I wish I could stay with my younger friends.

I wish I could stay close with all of my friends. It's just hard.

High Five Sunday

I was in a really good mood at church today for no particular reason. My cheeks ached from smiling as I gave high fives to almost all of the youth in my ward. Later I noticed there was a girl visiting with an older relative so she didn't know anyone in Young Women. I could tell she was a little uncomfortable and I really wanted to see her smile. I always feel shy around people I've never met and it took me a good ten minutes to decide the precise moment I should approach her. I finally went up to her and asked her name. She told me her name, I said it was nice to meet her, she smiled, and I gave her a high five. It was a great feeling.

My Birthday

If you are or ever will be friends with me, you have to know that my most favorite thing in the entire world is my birthday. I LOVE my birthday. I seriously start counting down the days a month in advance. And then when the day rolls around, I celebrate it all week. I get super happy and excited and it is seriously just the best thing. I think it's so awesome that there's a holiday to celebrate one's existence. I never understood my friends that you tell them "Happy Birthday" and they say, "Oh, that was today?" I'm the complete opposite. I give all of my friends the countdown... every single day. (3 days!) And on December 5th they all have no doubt what day it is. Because my birthday is seriously the best freakin' day of the entire year. Sweet 16, here I come.

Love You, Bro

I had kind of a bad week. And by the end of it today, I was just sick of it and started going a little crazy. I fought with my little brother Braden for like an hour after school. Finally I stormed off to my bedroom. I layed on the very edge of my bed because my dog was hogging the whole thing and did nothing for a while. I just breathed. It's going to be okay, I told myself. After a few minutes of relaxing and letting my steam out in a much less non-violent way than I had been doing before, I called Braden and apologized. He was so nice about it and said he was sorry too and acted like it was no big deal. Even though he can drive me nuts, he's such a sweetheart deep down. I love that kid. I'm grateful for families that love you no matter how much of a jerk you're being.  I wish the world was that forgiving.

Song Obsessions: November

So basically I got a lot of new tunes this month for my early birthday present. Taylor Swift's album Red came out, and then One Direction's Take Me Home. To put it simply, I LOVE these albums and practically every song on them, but I've chosen not to blow up my blog with the longest post on earth and I'm only choosing one or two songs from each album. And then of course any other song I've been obsessing over. Enjoy. :)

They'll tell you that you're lucky,

But you're so confused,

Cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used. 

~The Lucky One by Taylor Swift

Wish I could freeze this moment in a frame and stay like this.
I'll put this day back on replay and keep reliving it.

~Truly Madly Deeply by One Direction~

Every time I tell her how I feel,
She says it's not real.
She's not afraid of all the attention,
She's not afraid of running wild.
So how come she's so afraid of falling in love?
~She's Not Afraid by One Direction~

Okay so this next song is seriously one of my favoritest songs of all time, and I absolutely ADORE this cover of it.

Some people want it all, but I don't want nothing at all,

If it ain't you, baby. If I ain't got you, baby.

Some people want diamond rings,

Some just want everything,

But everything means nothing,

If I ain't got you.

~If I Ain't Got You by Maroon 5~

Twitter Rant

I know this post is way hypocritical because of my last post, but I have a rant that I just need to get out. Feel free to tune out now. :)
................................
I got a Twitter a few months ago so I could be updated on what's going on with my five husbands (One Direction, obviously). The first thing I did was follow my boys, but soon afterward I followed a couple of my friends. Namely (well, not namely namely... more like specifically), one of my best friends and my ex-crush (Is that even a real term?).
I have un-followed and re-followed my ex-crush like 400 times so far. Whenever there's a football game going on, I unfollow him because all he tweets about is football crap/yelling at teams/players/refs. Another reason I unfollow him a lot is this stupid girl that he tweets TWENTY-FOUR/SEVEN. They have never met a day in their lives and go to different schools and are in different grades, but they are constantly flirting via Twitter. You'd think they were boyfriend-girlfriend or something when in reality, they have no idea who the other is. He tweets her more in a day than he texted me the entire summer and we actually met in real life and hung out every freaking day for like all of Jr. High. It's so annoying and drives me absolutely insane.
When I REfollowed him again this week, the first post I saw was about how even though he didn't want to go back to school, at least he would see his dear beloved crush (a completely different girl). I'm going crazy here.

My other Twitter-woe-of-the-day is one of my best friends. She and I like to play Truth or Truth whenever we hang out (it's Truth or Dare minus the Dare). One time she asked me to name my top 5 best friends in order. I did so completely honestly (she was number two). I asked her the same question and she said I was her number one. But I really only asked that question to see if she'd lie to me because I know for a FACT that her other best friend is her number one (her REAL number one BFF is the one she goes to school with, tells all of her secrets to first, goes to her house when she has a bad day, etc.). I brought this up but she just blew off all of my evidence said that I really am her number one. I stopped bugging her about it. Once I got on Twitter I was reminded of the truth. Sure enough, she posted one thing about me in which I was referred to as her "friend." On the other hand, her REAL best friend had many posts written about her, ranging from "Hanging out with my best friend! #WhippedCreamMustaches" to pictures of them together titled "Me and my best friend at a ballroom competition!" Her real BFF is in her profile picture on Twitter AND her cover photo on Facebook (the photos are titled "My best friend!"). Seriously though, I really don't care if I'm not her best friend because I have another best friend too. But the question that has been like a knife digging deep under my skin and twisting around is: Why lie to me about it??? I just don't get it.

UGH.
............................
Okay. I'm done now.
Have a nice day. :)

Make It the Best

I have nostalgia problems. Sometimes I feel like all I do is think about what was and what could have been. But all of that is a waste of time. There's no such thing as time travel, and you can't ever go back. If you live your entire life looking back on the past, eventually you'll reach the point that when you look back, there's nothing to see.
We need  to accept the phases of our lives as they come. You can't change what happened yesterday, but you CAN change what happens today. Embrace the fact that you're growing up. Make the best of every phase of your life because they all have something good to offer.

"I think people need to realize I'm not changing, I'm just getting older. . . I'm just growing up." --Justin Bieber

Whatever.

Sometimes I remind myself that I really have no idea who reads my blog.

And maybe I shouldn't post some of the things that I do.

But then I'm like,

whatever.

Blowing Our Cover

One of my best friends, Ale, was on vacation in California surfing her butt off while the rest of us just sat in school today. A common activity for our group of friends (the five of us, when Ale's there) is to conveniently show up wherever Ale's crush happens to be at lunch. We're oddly supportive of her stalking. But I guess that's what high school is... the time to stalk without getting a restraining order.
Today we were texting Ale at lunch and she said our mission was to say hi to her crush. We decided to videotape it so we could show her when she gets back.
Something you should know is that her crush is constantly flirting with her in one of her classes, but has NO idea who the rest of us are. And without her there, he probably thinks we're just a bunch of random creepy girls.
Well today we were sitting at our normal lunch tables at the end of the school where nobody goes and where we can gossip in peace when we saw him at his locker nearby. We quickly planned our strategy and went through with our plan. We walked cooly down the hall past where he stood. Brenda said hi to him and called him by name, and he waved back at us with a slightly confused expression on his face. Tye held up a phone and pretended to text but actually videotaped the whole thing.
Once the deed was done, we walked swiftly down the hall and all ducked around the corner into a deep doorway. We were all freaking out about what we had just done and watched the video that Tye took. "Oh my gosh," I said near the end of the video, "that was so awkward when he said hi to Brenda and then he just looked at us all weird and--"
And at that exact moment, he walked right past the doorway we were hiding in, looked at us with an unreadable expression on his face, and continued down the hall. I was SO embarrassed. I felt my entire body get hot and all I could think was WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?
We totally blew our cover.
I called Ale and said that basically, we can never stalk her crush again. "Nice going, guys," she said.

Yeah. We try.

Nightmares

I had one of those nightmares last night. The really long ones that feel so real. You can smell, touch, and hear so clearly that it feels like reality. A new, terrifying reality where your dream self wonders how their life ended up in that place, and by the end of the dream you're in tears because of how much you hate that reality and wish you were gone, finally to wake up and realize it isn't real. 

And then you lay there in your bed in the middle of the night, engulfed in darkness and surrounded by shadows as the dream still echoes through your mind, tormenting your tired spirit. You lay still, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, and much too afraid to fall back asleep.

Twisted

I can't even tell you how much this is the story of my life.

And it really is twisted.

If I Never Knew You

One of my high school friends asked about my Jr. High "love life." I told her it was a long story (basically this entire blog and more besides). She said she really wanted to hear it. So I typed it up. It was a summarized version, but it was five pages long. Telling the whole story at once really had me thinking... A LOT. Even though a lot of hard things happened, I'm happy I was able to learn so many lessons. I kind of touched on this subject a few posts ago, but even if at the time I wished I had never met certain people in my life, I'm really glad I did.

So I know that basically all I do is post songs on here... but I have been listening to this song 24/7 and it really says a lot. It is "If I Never Knew You" from the 2005 version of Pocahontas.

I'm so grateful to you, 

I'd have lived my whole life through,

Lost forever, 

If I never knew you.

Growing Up

This past Halloween I didn't go trick-or-treating for the first time ever. I only got two pieces of candy the entire day. But I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my childhood is over. In Jr high you can kind of live in both worlds, but I'm in high school now. I guess it's time to take a step forward.

Also this week I had some interesting experiences that really strengthened my testimony. My friend has been having a really hard time in her life, and as we were talking about it, I somehow ended up sharing my testimony with her. And sharing it made it grow so much more. I'm so grateful for the people and experiences we have in our lives that help us to learn and grow as a person.

Growing up can be no fun sometimes, but I love being able to learn new things every day, and to look in the mirror and watch myself change for the better.

I Close My Eyes

Sometimes when I walk home from school, when I get to the sidewalk in front of my house, where I know the steps to my front door by heart, I close my eyes. With my eyes closed my senses are sharpened. I see shadows dance on my eyelids. I hear leaves crunch under my feet and hummed tune that's been in my head all day. It's as if I can feel the air on my skin and pinpoint every ray of sun that touches me. And for a few short moments, I forget everything and just feel.

And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do.
I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

~Taylor Swift

Little Things

You'll never love yourself

Half as much as I love you.

You'll never treat yourself right, darlin',

But I want you to.

...I'm here for you.

~Little Things by One Direction~

This is the greatest thing ever. We are all the beautiful combinations of the little things that make us who we are. Enjoy this song.

Song Obsessions: October

We are shining stars.

We are invincible.

We are who we are.

~Carry On by fun.~

We were flying so high,

Partners in crime,

So why'd we ever say goodbye?

~Remember When by Chris Wallace~

Happy

Today I am happy.
I just wanted to say that because I always post on my blog when I'm sad and rarely when I'm happy.
And do get sad a lot, but I also have many happy moments. I don't live my life in the pit of despair, don't worry. :)
I just had a really good week.
And this weekend I had a sleepover with Ale and we watched the One Direction Tour DVD and had a photoshoot and ate lots of bacon.
And I don't know, I'm just having one of those rare days where I feel cool and funny and pretty and happy.
I like it.
Today is a good day.

Worlds Away

"Are you coming??" he texted me.
"I'm on my way."
I was excited to see him at the football game--my school against his. I had been waiting to see him ever since we started becoming friends again. I wasn't exactly sure what my feelings for him were, but I was sure that seeing him again would help me figure them out. I had spent a countless amount of time fantasizing what the first time seeing him after the summer would be like. It was always dramatic and involved a hug and some sort of inspirational one-liner. Then we had planned to sit together in the bleachers.
Well, we hugged.
Then I ran away.
. . .Yeah, you heard that right.
Everything had been leading up to that moment. That moment I had imagined that our eyes would sparkle and my heart would jump and that dramatic one-liner would make history. But I saw him, and we stood there for probably two minutes, and I had a really cruel reality check: it wasn't real. I mean, I was there, and he was there. But all of my fantasizing and conversation script-writing had turned him into someone he wasn't in that lovely mind of mine. What I had re-imagined him to be, and what he actually is, were completely different people.
When I saw him in that plaid shirt that he was always obsessed with, I remembered who he is, and why we stopped being friends in the first place.
So I ran away. I told him to sit in his bleachers and I would sit in mine. I had to face it; we live in different worlds now.
Our team lost 14-47.
I saw him one more time that night. Neither of us said a word.

Reality

I had a bad day.

Beautiful

Sometimes I feel like this guy.

Not in that I have a big nose, but in the sense that whenever he complains and says, "Aw man, my nose is HUGE," his friends probably say, "You're nose isn't huge... you're perfect!"
When really... his nose IS huge. And he's NOT perfect. And to him (and to me), it all seems like a big lie.

But today I realized something. You may have a big nose, or cankles, or acne, or frizzy hair, or invisible eyelashes, or bushy eyebrows, or hairy arms, or crooked teeth. And you may be too fat or too skinny, or too short or too tall. But that doesn't mean you're not beautiful. It doesn't mean you're not great and awesome and wonderful. Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you're not beautiful.

.

Secrets

I used to not have any secrets. But it seems in the past couple years secrets and knowledge of secrets keep piling on. Last week at a sleepover at Ally's house, I was feeling a little out of sorts, and I ended up in this rant about something super personal. It's something I NEVER talk about. EVER. It's practically my dirty little secret. After I stopped crying, calmed down, and realized what I had just told her... I was afraid she would never think of me the same. "Please never mention this again..." I said awkwardly. And that was it.
But ever since then I've been thinking a lot about secrets. And today when I was secretly texting someone, they admitted they had one, but they wouldn't tell me what it was. It was unsettling. It was one of those secrets that knowing it was life and death for me. I asked to know, and I didn't even pressure them about it, but they still wouldn't tell me. In fact, this person just stopped replying to my texts altogether. I have a feeling they'll never tell me. I also have a feeling I won't sleep well tonight.

Train

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me,
And you make everything alright.
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me,
And I can always find my way when you are here.

--When I Look To the Sky by Train

Think Think Think

I have a few things I could be blogging about.
But the only thing I really want to blog about... the only thing I've thought about today... is something I can't really post.
Sorry peeps. I'll come up with something.

.

Back Then

I was thirteen. He sat next to me in Health class in seventh grade. Back then I avoided eye contact with most people, but he never wasted a moment that he could be staring at me. He used to tell me my hair smelled good, and he got jealous and stormed off whenever he saw me looking at my crush. I thought he was insane.
But that's how it was back then. I'll be sixteen in two months. People don't act like that anymore.

Daydreaming

Today in Computer Tech I was daydreaming.

I imagined myself 19 years old, living in my own apartment that I decorated with pictures. I have a fat cat that I cuddle on my red couches. I have a boyfriend that I met at work. We make popcorn and watch The Avengers together and pet my cat. When I go to family dinners I get to sit at the adult table and people actually listen to what I have to say. I have money to go to the movies with my friends and a car to drive wherever I want.

What a charming life I will have!

It's moments like that I just want to skip high school.

Blocked

The last time we spoke was September 8th.
That was supposed to be a happy weekend. I went to a birthday party and had a sleepover.
The next morning I was texting him.
We threw insults at each other left and right.
That was when I dropped my phone in my cereal bowl of milk.
I stopped replying.
Today I had a weak moment.
I searched his name in the Facebook search bar,
but he wasn't there.
Did he delete his Facebook?
I hacked into my mom's account.
I searched his name in the Facebook search bar.
There he was.
He didn't delete his Facebook. He blocked me.
I clicked on his name. I teared up.
"Why do you care?" you ask. "You're not even friends anymore."
But to be completely honest with you,
I know I may never see him again, and I know he hates me, and I know we're both moving on with our lives,
But I will always care.
And someday when we're both older and more mature, I will call him up and say, "I'm really sorry about September 8th, and all the days before that."
Maybe then he will unblock me from his Facebook.
Maybe then... just maybe... he will unblock me from his life.

*Sigh*

"It hurts."
"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else."

(Stolen from another blog.)

I wanted to be...

...a teacher. Realized how obnoxious kids are.
...an artist. Lost motivation to draw.
...a singer. Lack of star quality.
...a photographer. Too much competition.
...an actor. Stage fright.
...a zoologist. Don't like getting dirty.
...an author. Couldn't write past 4 pages.
...a manicurist. Realized I'm not THAT good.
...a journalist. Doubted my writing skills.

"Well then what do you want to be when you grow up??"

I don't know.
I just want to be somebody who does something worth while.

The Third Day

The driving range was never very thrilling, but always interesting. The first day Maryorie was constantly speeding and getting in trouble. The second day I met my best friend's elementary school crush. The third day I had a conversation that changed my life.

When I showed up to range that third day, I had no idea how it would play out. I was given the keys to a car and a magnetic number 7 to put on the top and waited in anticipation for who my new acquaintance would be. And honestly, when she started walking up to the car and sat down in the passenger seat, I didn't think our conversation would go anywhere past "What's your favorite color?"
She had her long blonde hair pulled back behind a flat billed cap, with a shaved section of hair by her ear. She had on little jean shorts and big dark sunglasses to top it all off. People like that don't talk to me, I said to myself as I adjusted the seat for my short legs and started the car.

We began to drive around. "What's your name?" she asked.
I answered and asked what hers was.
It was a start.
"What's your favorite color?"

And I'm not sure where it went from there. After a while of talking to her, I stopped feeling so intimidated. We got to the point we were basically telling the story of our lives and what our dreams and aspirations are and the things we struggle with in life. It was probably the deepest conversation I've ever had with someone I'd just met. I felt like even though  we were different in a lot of ways, she understood me. And not a lot of people can do that.
As I ranted about this and that and the things that make me feel insecure, I actually started hearing what I was saying in a way I've never heard myself before. And I realize that for so long I've been letting the criticism of others and even myself really keep me down. I've piled up this giant collection of insults, chastisements, and judgement and let them rule my entire life.

And you know what? I am not what people say about me, and you are not what people say about you. We are all much more complex than that.

Rough.

My day started when I dropped my phone in my milk.
I gasped loudly, fished my phone out from it's swim with Reese's Puffs, and tried it dry it out the best I could.
It still doesn't work right.

I walked home from Ally's house. My hair was greasy and I was wearing yoga pants and a sweaty T-shirt. I was texting my ex-"friend". We had a huge fight, during which some really harsh things were said.

I got home, vacuumed every square inch of my room (even the ceiling), and went in the bathroom to take a much needed shower.
When I stepped inside, I discovered a spider that was seriously the size of my palm. It was HUGE.
Obviously enough, I ran out of the bathroom faster than Usain Bolt.
And to my horror (again), outside of the bathroom was a 23-year-old guy that was helping my sister move.
And all I was wearing was a towel.
AWKWARD.
I hid in my room until my dad was finished killing Spiderzilla. In those few minutes I thought my heart was going to fail me. In an attempt to calm down, I bit the side of my finger until it had a sore.

My entire family is in a bad mood.

This day hasn't turned out as planned.

In Between

Saturday I rearranged my bedroom. I was locked in there vacuuming and organizing and throwing stuff away for over 4 hours. As I cleaned I found old sketchbooks, terrible attempts at writing books, old toys, tickets to movies I never threw away, and practically my entire life story all crammed into messy drawers and old shoe boxes. I missed the life I used to have when everything was so simple. I felt so grown up. But after waking up from spider nightmares at 2:00 in the morning and decided maybe I'm not so grown up after all. Just that terrible place in between. Being a teenager stinks.

More Like Acquaintances

I kind of assumed I would automatically make this perfect group of friends when I went into high school. But after the first week and a half it became apparent that my imagined social life wasn't going to just fall into place.

My first acquaintance of this year was Kevin. I sat next to him in Pre-Calculus before we had a seating chart. I asked him questions and made an attempt at a stimulating conversation. I was really proud of myself for talking to Kevin so much in one day, especially because he's a boy. Besides just answering my questions about him, most of what he said was questions about the math homework.

After a few class periods I thought I was off to a good start with Kevin. I saw him in the hall one morning, so I waved and said "Hi, Kevin." He looked at me and walked away without saying a word.

Maybe we weren't meant to be friends. Just everlasting math class acquaintances.

You can imagine I was feeling a little discouraged after my failed attempt at having at least one new friend. I came into choir class on Friday with low expectations. Our teacher was at the assembly so the 16 people that are in that class all sat down in random seats and started talking. I sat down near the end of the row and someone came and sat down next to me. She was tall and so skinny that she looked like a stick figure. Her hair was long and thin and her glasses magnified her eyes to 5 times the size they actually were. "Hey, what's your name?" I asked.

"Jessie," she said, "what's yours?"

We talked all about Jr High and the choirs we were in and the dresses we wore.

Maybe I will make some friends this year.

One Week Down, the Rest of My Life to Go

The first week of school is over, and I'm STILL having problems with my schedule.

I just hate that feeling of emptiness I have whenever I come back from school. Like everything there is meaningless.
I don't know, that probably doesn't make sense.

Well, I came home today and my hair was messy, my blisters hurt, my shoulders hurt from my backpack, I had a headache, and I was starving in a house with nothing edible. I tried to call my mom to talk to her and ask her for help but she was in a meeting and isn't available until next Wednesday. So I came here and sat down to write something inspirational about having a positive attitude no matter how crappy your day was... but I just can't.

Because I am having a terrible day.

And right now high school seems like the rest of eternity.

Off to a Rough Start

High school has been.... to put it simply... more than frustrating.

I had this dream of finding a super nice person and automatically becoming friends and being best friends for the rest of high school. I had a dream of fun classes and high grades and extracurricular activities.

Well... I haven't made any friends yet. I have talked to a few people that were my friends growing up that I hadn't seen for years, and I have made ONE new acquaintance, but that's it. There are no sparks flying  between me and the people sitting next to me in ANY of my classes so far. Maybe I should just talk more.

Also with the start of this new life of mine, I've already given up on a lot of my dreams and ambitions. When I was forced out of Drawing because of Driver's Ed, I didn't try to get art back into my schedule. I simply concluded that I'm not going to be an artist when I grow up and I was never super amazing at art anyway. It was kind of a sad feeling, but I honestly didn't have room for it in my schedule. And I've given up on learning Spanish, too. I took Spanish all through elementary school, and even when I was accepted into the A.L.L. program at Foothill, I chose not to go so I could stay at Windsor and learn Spanish. But in eighth and ninth grade... I'm pretty sure I just got worse at it. And after only two periods of AP Spanish this year, I quickly realized if I stayed in that class I would end up with an ugly F on my transcript, so I'm transferring out.

I hate this feeling... the feeling of a "giver-upper"... but I really just wanted this year to be better than it has been. Maybe if I focus my efforts on less things I'll be more successful at each of them. I don't know.

All I know is that high school is really off to a rough start.

Inspired.

Susan Boyle's audition for Britain's Got Talent.

I've seen this before, but today when I saw it I was truly inspired. At the beginning you watch everyone's faces as they judge her and doubt her. Then, despite everyone around her, she sings, and shows who she really is. Their reactions change, and you can tell that they realize they shouldn't have judged her so harshly before they knew what was inside of her. 

There are two things this makes me think about. One, I hope we can all try to refrain from false judgments. And two, remember to show our true colors and not hide who we are inside. I know those are things I need to work on this year.

Snapshots: My Life.

[Pictures stolen from a different blog.]

Learning About Acceptance

A few days ago I went shopping for school clothes. As I tried on pair after pair of pants that didn't fit, I started tearing up. I then asked my mom a question that's been on my mind ever since: "What if no one at Timp wants to be friends with me because I'm fat?"

I've thought about that question for days. And I realize... who cares? There may be plenty of shallow people in high school, but there will be others that won't care what anyone looks like. If I just look the best I can and I'm not self-conscious about it, my future friends won't care about how much I weigh. I do hope to continue to lose weight, but even before I make it to my goal I'm going to learn to accept myself. It's taken me so long to realize that I really do have potential and divine worth. I never wanted to be one of those annoyingly cocky people, but I always hated that I put myself down so much. But then I noticed that the people everyone loves to be around are the ones that accept themselves for who they are, and, better yet, don't even worry about themselves! They lose themselves in service to others. And in the end, that's what can make you truly happy.

[Picture stolen from Pinterest]

Terrified

Today my mom and I went to the high school to register. I'm pretty sure going into tenth grade is the most terrifying thing of my life.
I'm used to a school with one big wide hallway and you know all of the people in your grade and are friends with half of them. Walking through my classes at Timpanogos was overwhelming. It seemed like there were millions of hallways and all of my classes were on opposite sides of the school. I saw a group of older kids and realized teenagers are SO much scarier/more intimidating than the pre-pubescent tweens I'm so used to hanging around.

We Are Never Getting Back Together

This new song by T-Swift just came out. Oh man. It's so... story of my life! I just love it. Enjoy.

"You come around again and say,

'Baby, I miss you, I swear I'm gonna change. Trust me.'

Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, 'I hate you,' we break up,
You call me, 'I love you.'
We called it off again last night,
But this time, I'm telling you,
We are never ever ever getting back together."

"I used to think that we were forever,
And I used to say never say never.
He calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you'
And I'm like.. I'm just.. I mean, this is exhausting, you know.
We are ever getting back together... like ever."

Misunderstood

I felt like everyone has been misinterpreting everything I say lately. I say one thing, and the next minute someone is freaking out about something entirely different. I've gotten so frustrated. I just want to scream and yell... but I know that I won't help me or anyone else. Have you ever had a no-one-understands-me day?

In All Honesty,

I always just assumed that he and I would last longer than we did. That we would go our separate ways and maybe not talk as much, but in end we would still be friends and catch up with each other once in a while. Maybe even go on a date or two once we were both sixteen. That was the way I planned it, and the way I intended to keep it. But I guess I took it for granted.

Girls Camp

I recently got back from girls camp. I am now sunburned, bug bitten, scratched, splintered, and peeling, but I can honestly say it was worth it. My testimony grew every day that I was there and I had a lot of fun in between the hikes. I had a rough time when my eye infection came back, but there was so much support around me and I stayed at camp.

I have so much love for all of those amazing girls and leaders. We really bonded and I feel like they are all my sisters. To any of them are reading this: Thank you so much! Seeing you guys smile just makes my life and I thrive off of your testimonies. I got to know a lot of you so much better and I wish all of us could go boating more often! Thanks leaders for everything that you do and for being our friends.

Much love. 

Faded By Time

A few days ago one of my best friends took me swimming at the Scera pool. We were having normal girl talk and ended up counting all of the crushes we've ever had in our lives. (I've had 20, in case you were curious.) Once I finished my long list, I realized that I forgot to count one of them. And of course the one I forgot was the biggest crush I'd ever had and my first big heartbreak. I was shocked that I hadn't even thought of it. I thought I would never forget all that happened during that time, but now it seems like a million years ago on a different planet.
Then I thought about my most recent drama and how I lost most of my closest jr. high friends. And for the first time I realized that I'm not scarred for life, and I WILL be happy again. Not long in the future, the heartache I feel now will be nothing but a distant memory, so faded by time it won't even seem real. I'm happy for that.

Melted Armor

Sometimes I pretend to be the tough girl and listen to songs that say "I don't miss you" and "I'm better off without you". I've been pretending for almost two weeks now to be strong. Maybe it's my armor. It hides what's inside me.
I lost my armor at Young Women yesterday. I went into the mountains armed with invisible iron and masked by black sunglasses. But less than halfway up the trail I already felt like giving up. I didn't say anything to anyone and hoped they wouldn't notice the sweat dripping down my face and neck. Only two people trudged along behind me, my friends 50 feet ahead of me. I watched them talk as they strolled so easily uphill. With the physical exhaustion came feelings of pure despair. We never stopped for a break. The mountain was steep and my feet and legs ached and shook from the strain of walking. The sun was hot and my armor melted off onto the dirt path.
We finally stopped after five miles. I sat down on a log and almost started sobbing. My hair was wet and my pink streak dripped tiny drops of pink dye onto my back. My glasses were soaked with sweat, fogged up, and making my face even hotter than it was. I slowly removed them and looked around before attempting to massage my calves back to life. I felt like everyone was looking at me, my mind so uncomfortably exposed. I tried so hard to be strong for so long, but now they saw the real me. The weakness I've felt for these long weeks. I was too ashamed to speak.
They tried to get me in the group picture, but I never wanted to see myself that humiliated again.

Remembrance

Cold in the earth -- and the deep snow piled above thee,
Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,
Severed at last by Time's all-severing wave?


Remembrance by Emily Bronte, one of my favorite poems, was stuck on my mind. I layed in the dark. I was sleeping in the recliner because I toss and turn too much sleeping in my bed and it had been irritating my eye infection.


Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
Over the mountains, on that northern shore,
Resting their wings where heath and fern leaves cover
Thy noble heart forever, ever more?


Cold in the earth -- and fifteen wild Decembers,
From those brown hills, have melted into spring;
Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers
After such years of change and suffering!


I looked around at the little colored lights on the Blu-Ray player and the speakers. The house was quiet except for the occasional crackles of the ice maker and tik-toks of the clock. It felt strange not to be in my bed. The silence echoed in the big empty space. The colored lights became eerie. I covered my head with the blanket.


Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
While the world's tide is bearing me along;
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!


No later light has lightened up my heaven, 
No second morn has ever shone for me;
All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,
All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.


I checked my phone. It was late, but I was still disappointed to have no messages. He and I used to talk almost every night. I figured there was no point in dwelling on my thoughts of him. After all, I'm the one who officially ended our friendship.


But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,
And even Despair was powerless to destroy,
Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.


Then did I check the tears of useless passion --
Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;
Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
Down to that tomb already more than mine.


I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. I had a dream I've had before. The dream about change. I woke up every few hours, the poem by Emily Bronte still swirling through my head.


And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,
Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
How could I seek the empty world again?

The Summer of H-E-Double Toothpick

(Warning: if you are not prepared for whine session, please stop reading this now. Thank you.)

I think I set my expectations for this summer WAYYY too high. I thought it was going to be this amazing life-changing experience and I would go into tenth grade the happiest person alive. Well to put it nicely... the past few months have been rough. The very first day of summer Mom got a surgery that had her on oxygen for at least a week and crazy medications for several weeks. The third week of June I got an infected hair follicle  that swelled up to incredible size and was very painful. Then the start of July I lost 3 of my best friends and went through the closest thing to a breakup you can have without actually having a boyfriend. Soon after that I realized that ever since school ended I only have like 4 friends. Then I pretty much went into a depressive state and haven't done anything for a week and a half. Meanwhile, due to all of the mental stress, I now have an infected gland on my eyelid called a 'stye' which is extremely painful and I'm not allowed to wear any make-up until it heals.
I have youth conference in two days. I honestly don't think I can handle being around people.

Words.

"When people show you their true colors, believe them."

Rejection

This week I've started to question my mental state.
Ever since last Sunday when I broke of my friendships with Mr. So-and-so and pretty much the rest of my nerd herd, I've pretty much sat home alone all week. I've lost interest in some things that I used to do. I don't get dressed until about 3:00 in the afternoon, and when it gets to that point I don't even do my hair. I'll go 2 meals without eating and not even notice I'm hungry. I'm not super depressed or anything, just not really myself.
I think of all the fights we had. I think of how even after all of those fights we always stayed friends until two other girls convinced him I wasn't worthy of being his friend... Two girls I introduced him to. I think of how I always used to tell him my favorite songs.  I wonder how long he had been planning to get rid of me. I wonder how many of the things he said were true. I think of how much we used to talk. I think of how I'll never talk to him again. It all eats at my heart.

But even when I'm not thinking about all that happened--or him--that feeling of rejection never goes away.

The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today I didn't wanna hear,
But I knew that it would come.
An old friend of ours was talking on the phone,
She said you found someone.
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through.
And how I lost me and you lost you.

I'm learning to live without you now,
But I miss you sometimes.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again.
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak,
And my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore.

~The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

So Wrong

It was a normal conversation gone wrong.
Very wrong.

We were just talking about random stuff. Then he started bragging that he was so much cooler than me because he did "parkour" once, which I didn't even know what that was. But when I tried to ask him what it was, the conversation turned. He said he wouldn't tell me anything anymore because whenever he tells me things I just "blow up in his face". A few months ago when I said on my blog, "I hate that he treats me like a bomb about to explode any minute", he denied it and said he doesn't. Now he told me that he said that "just to be nice". (Uhm, yeah, that's SO NICE that he lied to my face and led me on for months.)
Later in the conversation I found out who had been cramming those ideas into his head. It was two girls from school who I thought were some of my best friends. Now I find out they just want to get rid of me, and sent him to do it.
What jerks.
When I found out I called Kayla and had the fit of hysterical sobbing that I'd been holding in all evening. All I could think to say was, "It's just so wrong..."

I feel so betrayed. For months I thought him and those two girls cared about me and loved me only to find out that they were waiting for the perfect moment to get rid of me. It was all a big scheme. And all that time of treating me like I was important to them was "just to be nice". Well it would have been a lot nicer if they had ditched me several months ago so I could find some REAL friends.

It's just so wrong.

Me Too

Have you ever had something in your life that seemed absolutely tragic, and when you tell someone about it, they just think you're overreacting, and then you actually start to have doubts about your mental state and whether you're freaking out about nothing or if you really should be worrying?

Yeah. Me too.

The Cold

It was about a month and a half ago. We arrived at the school from a weekend field trip at about 10:00 p.m. and were waiting for out parents to come pick us up. I was cold. He could probably tell by my excessive shivering and teeth chattering. I stood there holding my arms together and rubbing them as if it would get rid of the goosebumps. He studied me. I'm sure I was a pathetic sight, but I tried not to think about it. I hummed a song to myself as teenagers scuffled around me. I looked over at him and my face twisted into a forced half-smile before my teeth started chattering again. The next thing I knew, his arms were wrapped around my shoulders. I kept my arms crossed and stood stiffly. But for a moment I relaxed and leaned my head against his chest. There were no thoughts running through my head, I just felt warm. Once my brain started to work again, I quickly pulled away. His parents came and picked him up. I felt colder than before.

Parades

My nerd herd was supposed to go see the Summerfest parade. Half the nerd herd didn't show up, but Ally and Sam and some of Ally's Maeser friends had been hanging out together all day and they came. Those four do a lot together. They're a parade all their own. But I'm never invited because they know I don't like pranking people, which is pretty much all of what they do. Even though most of the time I wouldn't go with them, I guess it would just be nice to be invited now and then.

We watched the parade on the sidewalk in the freezing cold wind. We scrambled for candy on the road and huddled in a Snuggie while we waited for more. It lasted about an hour. I was proud that Timpanogos High had the longest procession.
Afterward we decided to just go home instead of going to the park. We ate a late-night snack at Ally's and everyone said they wanted to go doorbell ditching. I said I wanted to go home. I walked away by myself.

The only nerd herd member that was there tried to follow me. I guess he just wanted to talk. I wanted to be alone. He persisted.
We shared a lot of deep thoughts and feelings. I said a few things I hoped he would really put some thought into. Others I was mostly talking to myself. I felt exposed, like he could see inside me but at the same time he didn't understand. I had a hard time expressing what I had to say.
I told him he needed to go back with the others. He asked for a hug, but I wouldn't give him one. I started my walk home, not even knowing if I would ever see him again. It felt colder now that I was alone, but I also felt more relaxed, no longer feeling like someone was trying to read the fine print written on my eyes. Only once did I look back to see if I could see him walking away. All I saw was empty sidewalk and the lit-up street lamps. He was gone.

This Summer

I've been busy so far this summer. I've been practice driving in the Timp parking lot and hanging out with family and catching up with old friends. In my spare time I've been taking naps with my dog and reading and watching chick flicks. Last summer I wasted a lot of time. I don't want to waste time this summer. Even when I don't have anything exciting going on, I want to be out taking a walk in the sun or devouring a cheesy teen novel. That's what summers are for. At least, for me, it's taking a break from the stress and giving yourself time to see the beautiful things in life and just slowly taking it in during these three months. And even though I don't have any money to go to Summerfest or to the pool or to Jamba Juice this summer, I have a feeling it's going to be better than a lot of the summers before.

The Search

Kayla and I took Andrea to the park. I showed Andrea how to go down the slide and play with the playground toys. We visited the giant pine tree I used to climb. We sat on the hill in our sunglasses and marveled at how fast the grass turned that wonderful shade of green. Once it started sprinkling we went back to Kayla's house.
After a while we put Andrea down to bed and Kayla and I watched a chick flick she had recorded on TV. When it was time to go, I reached in my pocket to get my iPod and cue up a good song to play in the car. All I felt was the cold bumpy surfaces of coins and the fabric of my pants. I looked down at the couch. No iPod. I looked in the cracks of the cushions. No iPod. Kayla helped me. We looked under the cushions, behind the pillows, under the couch, under the rug, on the counter, in the bedroom, on the floor, on the bookshelf, on the sewing desk, under the oven, everywhere. No iPod.
We went back to the park. We kicked around woodchips while we scanned the entire playground. We looked under the tree and on the hill and in the grass. No iPod. We surrendered and got in the car so Kayla could take me home. I swear the entire car ride I couldn't breathe.

When I got home I went straight to bed. Without my iPod playing in my iHome, all I could hear was the constant loud hum of Mom's oxygen machine upstairs. I cried.

Truthfully Imperfect

Sometimes when I stalk read the blogs on my blog list, I can't help but be slightly disturbed. Not with the blogs, but with myself. Because I too often find myself thinking, If everyone else's life is perfect, why isn't mine? I see pictures and read words of people going on adventures and working on projects and being so happy. But I realize that their lives aren't perfect, they just write about the good stuff. They're all humans just like me.
I guess my blog can be kind of negative sometimes because it's basically how I vent, but negative or not, I hope that it paints a picture of me. A real one without any fluff. One that says that my life definitely isn't perfect and I have a lot of trials, but there are still many happy moments and many lessons learned.

Snapshots: Here comes summer.

Mixed Feelings

I have contradicting thoughts all bashing around together in my head.

The happy side says that there's only one day of school this week, and that's yearbook day! It's summer, the sun is shining, and I can go to bed at 8:30 if I want to because I don't have to stay up doing homework. I get to go swimming and hang out with friends every day of the week and not just Saturday (well, besides Sunday). Also, one of my best friends is writing a song for me to sing and I'm super excited. AND because it's summer I get to start taking more walks again. I love walks.

Then the sad side reminds me that my mom is getting a surgery on Thursday that will take two months to recover from. And after yearbook day, I won't see a large majority of my school friends ever again. And two of my best friends pretty much hate me and never want to speak to me again.

If you asked me if I was happy, I would say yes.

If you asked me if I was distressed, I would say most definitely.

The Slightly Ridiculous Story of My Fandom

When it comes to One Direction, I have pride issues. And just for the record, I discovered One Direction first. I discovered them way back before any of their music was released in the U.S. I listened to them obsessively on YouTube and prayed that one day I could have those amazing voices on my iPod.
(Remember my celebrity crushes post? See, I had a crush on Harry Styles before most other Americans knew he existed.)

When their album came in the mail I was more than thrilled. I told my friend from school all at about them on the bus for a field trip. She called them gay and said she didn't like them. I would not live with that falsehood and made her listen to several songs off the album.
She was quickly converted. Naturally.
The next week she was all over them. All she talked about was One Direction. For a while it really picked at my pride. After all, I discovered them first and I was the one who introduced them to her! And she was acting like it was her own great discovery and that they belonged to her. I was perfectly willing to share the 5 British wonders of the world, but the fact she was so possessive drove me crazy. (Oh, the irony...)
Long story war-inside-my-brain-that-lasted-several-days short, I had a bit of a grudge.
During class she and I started to talk more... about One Direction. I started warming up with the idea that at least now I had someone to fangirl with. It wasn't long before she and I became inseparable at school. Now she's pretty much one of my best friends. One Direction brings people together... *sniffle*

Oh, the joys of teenage fandom.

Loner

There I was again, leaning against the wall outside... alone. When had I become this? When had I gone from a decently sized group of friends to being a loner? I couldn't put my finger on the exact day, but it had pretty much been like that for over a month.
First I had a fight with my friend, and all of my groupies chose him over me and basically started ignoring me. It's not like they knew anything about what happened, but when he and I parted ways, they followed him. Whatever.
After that I sat with one friend. She was someone I was super close to, but I guess neither of us have been very open lately because mostly we would just talk about random things. I still enjoyed her company. Earlier in the year she would tell me about her boy drama and such, but she stopped talking about it after a while and I didn't know why. Maybe I wasn't understanding enough. Last week I guess she got sick of talking to me about random things and started hanging out with this girl who had boy drama with the same boy she did and she would randomly disappear during lunch. Not long after she just stopped coming to the lunch table.
I guess when it all comes down to it, it's all kind of my fault. But nevertheless, there I was, leaning against the wall just watching the two separate groups of friends that I once hung out with.
I hate A day lunch.
I'm glad the school year is almost over.

Little Acts of Service

In one of Utah's chilly months (I think it was November) I made Kayla take me to Deseret Book. I had heard David Archuleta was doing a signing there and, of course, thrilled myself with the idea of meeting him. And being the amazing sister that she is, Kayla was willing to stand with me in a line that wrapped all around the building.

We stood outside in the freezing cold for a long time. Neither of us brought coats for some reason. I took probably 2 pictures before my camera died and I blessed Kayla with an explanation of my deep sorrow on that matter. When David Archuleta came, I had a hard time watching excited squealing girls come out of the building while I was still standing in a line that seemed to go on forever. I was still excited, but I was bummed about my camera and trying really hard to warm up my numb fingers.

Kayla and I started talking to the girl in front of us in line. She said she was getting a CD signed for her friend and I admired her dedication. If I was that friend, I would've loved her forever. She was really nice and we talked to her for the rest of the two hours we stood in line.
When we finally got inside, we were happy to be warming up. Our new friend bought us brownie bites and cookies to eat and we saved her spot in line.

That day was unforgettable for two reasons.
1) I met David Archuleta and he signed my magazine and said my name (it sounds even more beautiful when he says it) and looked right at me! *squeal*

and 2) I can never forget the little acts of service we received from that girl in line. We were cold and tired from standing, and she didn't even know us, but just talking to her brightened our day. At stake conference we heard a lot about little acts of service, and this is the day I thought of.

Big things aren't always the things we remember most.

Demoted

That awkward moment
When you have a really good friend.
And they find a different friend
That they can totally relate to.
And you get demoted.

Pointless Memories

I'm absorbed into a sponge of memories. Pointless ones that only make me mournful. Missing people from the past when there's no way to get them back. Regretting decisions that led to sadness. Wishing I could take back things I said in a fight.
I need to work on that.

"A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen." --Edward de Bono

Mom

I was at Kohl's with Kayla. We were looking at the jewelry and trying on rings when my dad called. He said he was taking Mom to the emergency room.
Kayla and I rushed home. Mom and Dad were already gone and I went up to the upstairs bathroom to find enough blood to pass for a murder scene. I've never seen so much blood. We cleaned her clothes along with half the bathroom while we waited for Dad's updates. The whole day didn't really seem real. Everything was blurry and I didn't even know what was going on.
We found out that Mom had emergency surgery to fix the stitching that had broken from her last surgery. She lost 1/3 of her blood.
We visited her in the evening. She was pale and had trouble having enough oxygen. I hated being at the hospital and seeing her like that. I didn't want that image scarred in my brain.

None of it really sank in, though, until two days later. That was when I found out that if my dad had arrived at our house five minutes later than he did, my mom would have bled to death. All day I felt heavy and paralyzed. I didn't tell anyone about it except my closest friends.  That night I called on of my best friends and just sobbed over the phone. I didn't even know how to say how I felt. I had almost lost my mom. And if she had died, I wouldn't have even been there to say goodbye or tell her I loved her.
---------------------------
I love my mom so much. And even though it's impossible for teenagers and moms not to clash every once in a while, we have grown so close. I tell her all of my dreams and my stories. She is a crazy super woman, no joke. She has been Relief Society President and had FOUR jobs all AT THE SAME TIME. Her IQ is like 47 billion. She knows how to do everything and is always willing to teach me. She is amazing and even when I'm having a bad day, deep down I will never forget that. I'm so glad she is here with me and even gladder that my family is sealed together for eternity.

Picky

It is universally known that food is not only needed to keep us alive, but also a huge part of culture around the world. Food is how we experience different parts of the world through a sensory experience. Food is an art practiced everywhere. Food is how we socialize.
And I've never really been able to participate in it.
My parents tried for years to get me to eat normal foods. Their attempts usually ended with vomit all over me/the table and loss in appetite for everyone else. It didn't take them long to discover I had an extremely delicate palate. When I got to a certain age and still wouldn't eat normal food, my dinner every night was a piece of bread, or, if I was feeling adventurous, toast. All of my sisters' friends knew me as the crazy little girl who ate bread for dinner.
Although I've come to like more things over the years, not a lot has changed. I still have a delicate palete, or, as most people like to phrase it, I'm still a picky eater.

I can safely say most human beings like to have something to blame for all of their troubles. And for me, it's always been the fact that I'm a picky eater.
You see, if I wasn't a picky eater I could eat healthier foods.
And if I ate healthier foods I would be healthier.
And if I was healthier I would be thinner.
And if I was thinner I would be prettier.
And if I was prettier I would have more friends.
And if I had more friends more boys would like me.
So basically if I wasn't a picky eater... my life would be awesome.
...Right?
Do you see how flawed this trail of logic is?
I know it's way stupid, but I still find myself thinking it over and over. My mom says I need an "A.N.T. eater" (Automatic Negative Thinking). Like something you can think of to replace negative thoughts. I've been trying to come up with one all week.
But I'm still working on it. That is, accepting myself for who I am.  Besides, there's no point in wishing for things that are impossible.

...Right?

Sometimes.

Sometimes you have a horrible week.
And your life falls into a pile of ruin.
So you lay in bed.
And you listen to One Direction.

The "F" Word

I was always way bigger than all of my friends. The other girl in this picture, Laura, was my best friend since I was 2 years old. She's a year older than me. But I bet by this picture you couldn't tell.

Luckily the "F" word wasn't really introduced to me during my childhood. (The "F" word being "fat", of course.) Everyone just said I was an early bloomer, which I was. I started to hit puberty in third grade. My hips got a little wider, my thighs filled out even more than they already were, and my mom made me start wearing a bra (which I hated). I grew to my current height around fifth grade. But that being said, there were other early bloomers who didn't look like me.

Little did my developing brain know it was only the introduction to a trial I would struggle with the rest of my life.

And without the 'early bloomer' excuse hanging around anymore, I know what I really am. My friends can tell me I'm beautiful just the way I am, but deep down I know. I've had thinner times and (excuse my language) fatter times. The thinner times never last and the bigger times get bigger every time

They say first impressions are everything... And I really don't want everyone at Timpanogas High School to remember me like this.

I don't want my trademark to be the "F" word.

Cheater Pants

I felt ridiculous practically laying on top of my Earth Systems test.  My free hand covered as much of the answers as it possibly could. Anything to just have one paper--just one--that the answers were ONLY mine, and not copied word for word by the girl next to me. Her and her annoying laugh and attention-starved headset and the fact that she thought we were best friends. It was only about two weeks into the new semester, but I already had her figured out. She was a cheater.
When I got to the end of the test I no longer had enough arm to cover up my paper. There went her curious eyes that could never seem to leave my side of the desk. I watched, extremely irritated, as she quickly wrote down the answer that wasn't covered up by my arm. It was super obvious considering she wrote it down before she answered the five questions before it. I finished the test and turned over the paper before she could see my last answer.

What were the odds that she was seated next to me in every class I had with her? It drove me insane.
Nearing the end of the term it was no secret to anyone that knew me that I did not like that girl. But with only a few class periods left of Term 3, I decided to just wait until we got new seating charts for Term 4.

In the first class I had with her we got to choose our seats. I left her side with lightening speed and moved a few rows up. I was happy for about two seconds before I realized the seat next to me was, moments later, taken by little Miss Cheater Pants.
Of course.
I had a little more hope in my last class of the day when we were being assigned new seats. But once the seating chart was given, you can imagine my horror when I looked up to see her right in front of me. I tried to comfort myself. It's okay, she can't even see you, she's sitting IN FRONT of you.
But it didn't last long. We took a test, and while I was confidently circling A, B, C, or D, someone in front of me wasn't feeling as confident. Big shock. There she went. Her head slowly twitched and then turned. She craned her neck and her eyes locked with my paper. Once she found what she wanted she whipped her head back around as if it never happened.
I will NOT take one more day of this, I said to myself, and sure enough, after the bell rang, I couldn't even force myself to leave. I stood firmly planted on the floor next to my teacher's desk.
"_______'s a cheater," I said matter-of-factly. "She's been cheating off me all semester. Will you please move us apart?"
My understanding teacher said she would and I felt a sense of victory. I don't even care who I sit by next Monday, as long as it isn't her.

People Say

People say that I am fat.

People say that I am ugly.

People talk all day.

I act like I don't care.

I act like it doesn't matter

What they think

Or what they say.

But it does.

And sometimes

I think that I am fat.

And I think that I am ugly.

I think all day.

And it matters what I think.

And it matters what I say.

That's Just How We Are

I promised my brother I would go to his band concert. I didn't come to the first concert of the year and didn't really want to come to the second one. They're super long and half of the time they're setting up chairs. But I did promise him, so, like a devoted sister, I came.
After the concert was over I drifted out into the hall to talk to some of my friends that were in it too. Sam hugged me before I left, like she always does. But this time as I was about to leave I heard another voice. It was one of my guyfriends, the first friend I made in Jr. High. "Do I get a hug, too?" he asked. I gave him a hug and hurried to the car with my family.
Later he and I were talking and I asked him why, after knowing each other for 3 years, we had never hugged until then. After thinking about it a moment he said, "Cause that's just how we are."

Back in February he invited me to go with him and his family to a Vocal Point concert, BYU's acapella men's ensemble. I was excited and said I would.
A few weeks later he and I had an argument. Nothing super serious, but he hurt my feelings. In my distress I told him I wasn't going to the concert with him anymore. We didn't talk about it again.
Last week at school I heard this girl talking about how she was so excited to go to the Vocal Point concert... With him. In my next class I rigidly told him what I had heard.
"You're not mad, are you?" he asked. I could tell he was nervous. I've always hated that he always treats me like a bomb about to explode any minute. I tried to stay completely emotionless and I told him I wasn't. I knew saying anything else about it would be pointless. He would just say I was an overreacting fool because he hadn't actually done anything particularly wrong. All I did was ask him when he invited her to go with him. He said the week after our argument.
Only one week later? That soon? The idea seemed unbelievable. Slightly shattered, I ended the subject.
I can still hardly believe it.

But I guess that's just how we are.