Check Out My New Blog!

Hey peeps.
So here's the news. I have a new blog.
This one is super old; I've had it for slightly over three years. So I've decided to leave my old Jr. High aged drama behind and move on to a new blog, on which I can have newer, slightly more mature, and less boy-involved drama. Are you up for it?

Check it out at http://tessaelizabethh.blogspot.com/.

By the way I just want to thank all of my awesome followers, however few of them there are, for supporting me through the years. It really does mean something to me to know that I'm heard, and not completely alone. Anyway. So thanks guys, you're the best out there.

(P.S. Daily Drama will NOT be deleted, but from now on I will be posting on my new blog. I would love for you guys to keep reading! Go bookmark it!)

Song Obsessions: March

I went back to some older songs this month, thanks to Pandora. Love me some Pandora.

Everyday, with every worthless word we get more far away.

The distance between us makes it so hard to stay.

But nothing lasts forever, be honest babe,

It hurts but it may be the only way.

~Nothing Lasts Forever by Maroon 5~

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,

Waking up is the hardest part.

~Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer~

We spend all our time lying side by side

Going nowhere, it's really something,

Getting busy doing nothing.

~Busy by Olly Murs~

So here's to everything coming down to nothing.

Here's to silence that cuts me to the core.

Where is this going?

Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore.

~Forever and Always (Piano Version) by Taylor Swift~

Removed

I know it's been two weeks since I've written.

I just posted and removed a post about a crazy girl I met at school. I thought it was pretty funny, but I guess it's potentially offensive. So I don't really have anything else to write this week, but if you are extremely bored and want to read the post you can give me your email and I'll send it to you.

I'll come up with something interesting  to write later.

I'm the One

Sarah's mom called Sarah, Ale, and I down for scripture time before dinner. When we came downstairs to find the table already surrounded by their big family, Ale and I leaned up against the back of the couch. A moment later, Sarah's 9-year-old brother noticed that there was one empty seat next to him. He wanted someone to sit by him, but he couldn't remember our names. "Come sit by me!" he commanded. His mother asked who he was speaking to.
He pointed at Ale and said, "the skinny one."
The world froze for a moment. I'm the fat one. I didn't know how to react. This was a family full of dietitians, all obsessed with being healthy, and there I was, the fat one, just standing there trying to figure out how to react. "HA HA", I laughed a little too loudly. I pulled out my phone, fumbled with it, and put it back in my pocket. The skinny one. The fat one. "I'm sorry, excuse me," I said as I stumbled out of the room and around the corner into the hallway.
I sat on the stairs, breathing deeply and trying desperately not to cry. I just stared at my phone, not knowing what to do or say or where to go. Ale rounded the corner and found me on the stairs, "Are you okay?"
I was clenching my jaw so it wouldn't tremble. "Can we go out onto the porch?" I whispered.
But before we had the chance, Sarah's mom appeared, holding her 9-year-old by the arm. She pulled the three of us into a room and closed the door. "What do you have to say to these girls?" He had nothing to say at all. He didn't lie. He wasn't trying to be rude. She forced an insincere apology out of him while I stood there rubbing my hands together and taking more deep breaths.
Once we were released from the room, I burst onto the porch, Ale close behind me. We sat on the chairs. I covered my face as big rolling tears leaked uncontrollably out of my eyes. I tried so hard to stop them and to breathe normally, but my struggled attempts just made me look even more pathetic. I heard the front door open. I sighed in embarrassment and frustration as I quickly wiped my face the best I could. Sarah's mom came out and tried to comfort me by telling me the story of how she used to be "chubby like me" but now she works out 6 days a week. The whole thing really just made me feel worse. Sarah had plans to go to dinner with Jordyn and Tasya anyway, so I went home and Ale came with me.
We watched silly YouTube videos and talked about boys for a while. Sarah called us when she got home from dinner and invited us back over for a movie night. I didn't really want to face her family again, but I needed to be with my friends, so I walked back over.
The entire afternoon I felt so down on myself, but something changed that evening in the car ride home. Sarah's 17-year-old brother gave us a ride home in his car. And for some reason during those few minutes, I forgot about the day's rotten experience. We saw a bunch of teenage boys hanging out outside, so we rolled the windows down and blasted Taylor Swift's "Fifteen"  while singing yelling along to it. They all stared, but we didn't care. I stuck my hand out of the windows to feel the wind, laughing and smiling at the tone-deaf yelling and everyone's crazy commentary about how "rebellious" we are. The song said, "I've found time can heal most anything, and you might find who you're supposed to be." Then I had a thought.
Maybe
it doesn't matter what size I am.
Maybe
I can be happy just being myself.
Because there's no other Tessa Hatchett quite like me.
I'm the one ME.

Weak

One day, at the beginning of my sophomore year, a guy in my Biology class copied off of my paper. He had been absent, and it didn't seem like a big deal. I watched him soak up my answers I had so carefully written in mechanical pencil, just to spit them back onto his own page. He didn't look at me, and he didn't even see what he was writing down. He was just copying. And I can't find the right words to describe how horrible I felt in the pit of my stomach. I was being used. This wasn't the first time, but it never feels any better.
He has asked many times to copy my answers since then. Not because he needs help, but merely because he learned that day back at the beginning that he can take advantage of me. But he is wrong. I have never said yes since that day. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it stings every time he asks. It is a constant reminder of not only that stupid mistake, but of how wrong people are about me. Of how many negative things run through their heads when they see me that aren't even true.

A few days ago in my last class of the day there was a different boy I have been talking to. I was checked out from school a few minutes early, to which he reacted with, "Don't leave me!" As I left the school, I thought that maybe I finally met a boy that cared more about getting to know me than reading my notes. The next class period, just 48 hours later, we were filling out a worksheet. It wasn't long before I heard the familiar words, "What's the answer to number 1?" I covered my answer and showed him the paragraph in the assigned reading where he could find it. "Number 2?" I showed him again. But after "Number 3?" I was done.
"Just read the page!" I said, irritated. "You're not illiterate."
Then he smiled that smile. The one that they all form when they want something from you. It doesn't work on me because of how much I have grown to resent it. I silently boiled for a moment before turning back to my worksheet, working quickly and covering my answers as he tried desperately to see them. He was just like every other boy in my high school.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
My scores are decent, but not 100%. So is it because I'm ugly that people treat me this way? Is it because I'm quiet that people pretend to be my friend, and then treat me like an iPhone app that's supposed to answer all their questions? Is it because I'm weak that I've become so used?
Am I weak?

Wednesday's Life Lessons

"We're going to the temple tonight, can I pick you up at 6:30?" read the text message.

I must admit, for a moment I briefly hesitated. After all, I was having a fabulous hair day and had no desire to mess it up. Despite that, I decided to go. I put on my blue skirt and a black cardigan before I packed up my purse with a comb and hair ties. I was happily clipping my hair back when I realized I had forgotten to pack my recommend.

I looked in the special pocket in my wallet. It wasn't there. I checked my purse. Not there either. I checked my cinch pack. No recommend. I checked my Brtitish day bag, my old jean purse, the shelf by my bed, my desk, my chest of drawers, my side table, and all of the drawers in my bathroom. I checked the kitchen, the living room, the coat rack, my bedroom again, and was then officially frustrated. I quickly pushed my worry aside and folded my arms, there in the middle of the hallway. I prayed that I would find my recommend and have the opportunity to go to the temple that night. After 'amen' I prayerfully searched all of those places again. And again. And again. 

My Young Women leader pulled up in my driveway. I sulked down my porch steps and over to her car window, which she promptly rolled down. "I can't find my recommend anywhere," I said, my head held low. I couldn't tell if she was upset with me or not when she said, "Oh." She called a  few people while I stood there on my driveway, trying desperately not to cry in front of her. Why would Heavenly Father not want me to go to the temple? 

Eventually my leader arranged for me to have an interview with the bishop right before we left and I got a new recommend. I was able to make it to the Timpanogos temple with my YW group.

When we got inside, I changed into my white clothes and looked in the mirror. In my eyes, I looked really ugly with my hair pulled hastily back, my make-up washed off, and wearing an ill-fitting jumpsuit. I felt subconscious as I left the dressing room, but tried not to think about it too hard. We did baptisms first. We had to wait for really long time, but after I was done and back in the dressing room, I felt different. I changed into a new jumpsuit for confirmations. But that time, when I saw myself in the mirror, I didn't look ugly. my hair was wet, my apparently poorly washed off mascara now formed dark circles under my eyes, and I was wearing another ill-fitting jumpsuit, but for a moment, it was as if I was seeing myself through God's eyes. It didn't matter that I was fat or pale or had split ends or stubby fingers. I was doing the Lord's work, and I looked beautiful. I don't think I will ever forget that moment, because I have never felt like that in my life.

I know that God loves us very much and knows we are all beautiful and have divine worth and he rejoices when we are in his service. He does answer our prayers, even if it's in an unexpected way. I'm so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and the opportunity I have to have so many temples nearby. I hope I can remember those things forever.

Definition of Peace

I think my all-time favorite moment in daily life is going to bed. On nights when my homework is done early, I let my hair down, slip on a clean nightgown, and slide into soft, freshly washed, evenly tucked sheets. Those first few minutes in bed before I start thinking about my life are always bliss. That's my definition of peace.

He Is Totally Reading This

Dear Ale, I typed into a new email.

I'm in Digital Photo right now. I finished my assignment... this class can be super boring sometimes because 75% of the time we're not even editing pictures. We mostly just take notes and quizzes. Kinda lame.
I'm extremely pleased with the fact that it's Friday. This has been the longest week of all time.

I briefly paused my letter-writing to check my grades, but then returned to Gmail.

So I was checking my grades just now, and the guy next to me (who is clearly very bored) was watching me. "YOU HAVE A C+??" he teased in a surprised voice. "Yeah, I'm not very good at math..." I said. He retaliated, "Psh, but you're a sophomore in Pre Calculus " I told him that was totally beside the point. It wasn't a big deal to skip Pre-Algebra in 7th grade. It doesn't mean I'm good at math. I think that's the longest conversation I've had with him all term.
Fifteen minutes left of class... I'm dying over here.

In the corner of my eye, the boy next to me was... doing nothing... which was suspicious. Earlier he had been  looking at photoshopped pictures of Obama riding dinosaurs on the internet and making them the wallpaper of his computer. Now, he was just sitting. Most boys are WAY to A.D.D. to do nothing but sit still.
He was definitely reading my email.
I chose to take advantage of the situation and mess with him a bit.

Remember that one time we killed that guy and hid his body under your porch? That was so funny! Great times.

I paused, listening for a reaction. He said nothing. Maybe I needed to sound even scarier. Crazy Teenage Girl Mode: Activated.

My life has been pretty boring without a crush. Like, I basically have nothing to daydream about anymore. I just think about nothing and/or the present moment. Which, we all know, is not nearly as fun as making up scenarios that will never happen. Like the one where he and I sit in the movie theater together and share popcorn and during that romantic scene we look at each other and--
Okay. I'll stop. I'm probably killing you right now.

It took every ounce of self control in my body not to laugh. But still, no reaction from him. He was a nut that was tough to crack, but I was determined to break him.

I'm pretty positive the kid next to me is reading this email. So IF HE IS READING THIS HE SHOULD TELL ME RIGHT NOW.....

"Heh heh." IT WAS A LAUGH. I distinctly heard it escape his lips. I smiled. Cracked.

He is totally reading this.
Hahahahaha oh man... I have a story to tell you later.

-ttyl-
<3/Tessa

I signed out of my email and turned off my computer, three minutes of class left. I sat in my chair for a moment, silent. The boy next to me sat there in silence too, perhaps in anticipation.
"How did you know I was reading it?"
I laughed and we smiled at each other. "I just knew."

Song Obsessions: February

I don't know if anyone cares anything about these songs posts, but I enjoy making them, so...

I want to hide the truth,

I want to shelter you,

But with the beast inside

There's nowhere we can hide.

~Demons by Imagine Dragons~

Don't say goodbye, keep us alive,

Cause my world would stop if we didn't try.

Can we pretend, just for tonight?

Cause those words would tear the stars from the sky.

Don't say goodbye.

~Don't Say Goodbye by Olly Murs~

I usually hate Rihanna songs, but I love this one.

Funny you're the broken one,
when I'm the one who needed saving.
Cause when you never see the light,
It's hard to know which one of us is caving.
~Stay by Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko~

Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun,
And when you're close I feel like coming undone.
~Untouchable by Taylor Swift~

Days

I've had days this month that were really good. They were days that I felt pretty or I laughed with my friends or did good in school. But writing about those days almost seems like a waste. What is there to write about besides the fact that for no hugely significant reason, I was happy that day? On the contrary, you might say the same about the sad days, but on happy days I don't need to vent. On sad days all I need is to be heard, even if it's only by myself, seeing my own words typed out on the screen.
Today I walked home in the bitter cold after a hard day. A few tears were shed but then quickly dried up in the corners of my eyes, thanks to the freezing wind that also bit at my ears and tousled my up-do. I thought deeply about how hard 2013 has already proved to be. Through all of the hardship, I've been struggling with my relationship with God. I am often frustrated by the fact that there is not a single human being on this earth who knows what it's like to be me. They tell me that Jesus knows, but how can he possibly? I know about the Atonement, but it's still so hard to wrap my head around. I can't help but feel so very lonely on these days when I walk home alone in the cold.

I Don't Agree With You

He and I have been friends ever since I was 13. He always liked me, and for a while I liked him, but I soon realized that a romantic relationship between us wouldn't work. It was a realization that he never had. For a long time now I've been striving to maintain a normal friendship, but he always seemed to think that there could be something more.
"We just don't belong together," I said.
"I don't agree with you," he replied.
Frustrated, I shot back, "It doesn't matter if you agree. It never works out and you know it."
I think that hurt his feelings.
He won't reply to my texts or emails.
I hate this. I don't know how he is feeling or what's going on and I detest having such a lack of closure. I still care for him as a friend. He thinks I want him out of my life, but I don't. He doesn't understand.
Maybe he never will. He won't even speak to me.

Quotes of the Day

The End of an Era

He said,
"There is always a spot for you in my heart, nothing will ever change that. I'm not going to write some long thing. There is no need, because what I'm saying won't mean anything to you. I don't mean that harshly, I just know that your mind is made up. And it has been for years."

I read those words a few minutes ago and right now I feel so strange. I feel like crying, and not the pity party kind or the heartbroken kind. It's the kind when you feel a little a little stung, like everything inside you is numb.
He and I used to fight all the time. I've received and sent plenty of serious emails, but back then every time felt the same.
This time, it's different.

Curly Confidence

My mom says self-esteem and confidence shouldn't be based off of what other people think about you.

Well, today, I curled my hair.

Everyone said I looked pretty.

So today, I felt pretty.

And I kind of hate myself for that.

Art

"These are the principles of art," they say. These are the rules of how art should be. But I don't want rules. It may seem unintelligent, but art shouldn't have to be about about the technicality. I just want to make something beautiful. I just want to express my emotions. I don't care if people look at my art and see good lines and nice shapes.
I want them to see me. 

The Ride Home

The bell rang. It was 2:15 on a Friday afternoon, I was itching to get home, but I remembered something: I forgot my coat in Biology. I treaded down the 700 hall to find the classroom door locked. Outside the glass doors of the school looked like the beginnings of a blizzard. The last time I walked home in weather like that I ended up looking like this:

I wasn't looking forward to it, and definitely not without a coat. I went looking for the lost and found just to make sure my teacher hadn't taken it there. The main office redirected me to the attendance office, and the attendance office redirected me to the principal / the keeper of all keys. He held the door open for me at the door leading out of the office, so I seized the opportunity to tell him about my situation. He didn't even hesitate as he happily and swiftly started down the hallway. I trailed behind and watched him enthusiastically greet every student who made eye contact with him. He unlocked the door and I retrieved my coat from my desk where I had left it. I thanked him and left the school.
Still eager to get home, I put Radioactive on my iPod and walked briskly accross the parking lot. A car in front of me was gesturing in my general direction, but I'm pretty used to being invisible, so I assumed it was for someone behind me. My music was pretty loud, but after a couple seconds I could understand the word "Tessa." I took my earphones out and said something along the lines of "Oh... hey!" It was the sister of one of my old friends. She offered me a ride home. I got in the back side of the car and talked with her and her mom on the drive to my house. To be honest... I've always had a mini crush on her little brother / "one of my old friends." I asked how he was doing. They asked me if I had his number, and I said he hasn't replied to my texts in a while. When they said he recently changed his number... I tried not to sound too excited. I had been a little bummed that he hadn't been replying. His sister asked for my number and said she would give it to him. I thanked them profusely for the ride home, and I was just secretly grateful for the phone number thing. The whole situation just made my day.

And guess what? None of it would have happened if I hadn't left my coat in Biology.

This Will Make Sense in Heaven

You're all probably going to be annoyed at me for posting songs every two seconds... but I found this great song today called Heaven by Mike Posner. He wrote this song for the families of the victims of the shooting in Conneticut. I think it's beautiful and I love the lyrics. It says: "They say that time will make you better. And I hope that what they say is true. . . I know this isn't right. But maybe this will make sense in Heaven, and I'll understand why you're gone. Maybe this will make sense in Heaven, cause right now it doesn't make sense at all."

Now I'm going all churchy here and saying that I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the gospel. I gives so much perspective on our purpose and why things happen. I feel like because of it I can be comforted to know that everything will be okay in the end. Sometimes I have moments where things just don't make sense. I may not know why I or a friend has particular trial, but I know at the end of the day that someday it WILL make sense. Whether later in this life or in the next, everything will be okay.

Song Obsessions: December / January

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. I said, "Pandora knows me better than any of my friends." He said, "Musically at least..." and I said, "That's one of the best ways to know me."
(If you don't know what Pandora Internet Radio is, I highly recommend you make an account. I'm OBSESSED with it. Basically you tell your radio which songs and/or artists you like, and it plays things that match your music taste. I love it so much.)
On that note, here is the last two month's song obsessions.

I discovered Olly Murs a couple weeks ago. He is a British artist with an album coming out in the U.S. this year. I love his music... and he's SO cute.

I don't know if I can stop now. 

I'm going too fast, heart first,

My head just can't slow me down.

~Oh My Goodness by Olly Murs~

Just close your eyes,

We can dance all through the night.

~Dance With Me Tonight by Olly Murs~

Right from the start

You were a theif, 

You stole my heart.

And I, your willing victim. 

~Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk (feat. Nate Ruess from Fun.)~

There's nothing like you and me

Together through the storm.

~Nothing Like Us by Justin Bieber~

This next one is a REALLY good angry song. Just throwing that out there.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones, 

Enough to make my systems blow.

~Radioactive by Imagine Dragons~

Isolation

In my personal opinion, three friends together is, generally speaking, a bad combination. I was excited when I was put in the same Seminary class as two of my besties, but I've come to discover that rather than the three of us together, a lot of the time it's Brenda and Sarah................................ and then me just awkwardly there on the side. At this point in my life I should be a third wheelin' professional. But I guess I'm not as good as I thought because I was really having a hard time with it today. I suffered the entire way through third period and then it was lunchtime. Thursday is FEAST in Seminary, where basically you go during lunch and hear a brief talk. I've been a few times but don't usually go because it's ridiculously crowed. Today my choir teacher was speaking, so I really wanted to go. I asked my friends if they would come with me just this one time. I wasn't asking them to go every week, just today. 

Brenda left the building as soon as the bell rang because of an awkward run-in with her crush. We met up with Ale and the rest of us walked over to the doorway of the room. Sarah and Ale tried to act nice while telling me they were going to ditch me. I acted like it was whatever, but I was really bummed. I just wanted them to come with me to FEAST this one time, but apparently they were so desperate to stalk Ale's crush that they couldn't even take one day off. I walked in the room alone. I saw one empty seat next to a group of some of my acquaintances. Upon sitting down I was told that seat was saved so I stood back up. There wasn't a single empty desk in the room. I timidly walked to the back of the room with my head down and sat in a chair along the wall.

Mr. Durtschi's talk was really good, and I enjoyed it, but the entire time I wished that someone was there with me. In the concluding words of the talk, he talked about how good friends stay by your side and support you and cry with you. I felt like crying, but there was not a single person at my side. 

I silently pouted through my last period and left the school seconds after the bell rang instead of staying after with my friends. I wasn't in the mood to talk to them. I knew I was being stupid, and thought deeply about it on the way home. I recalled other past experiences of third wheelin' days and being let down by friends. Why am I so upset if this has happened before? I thought, Why is it that every time I get over my feelings of loneliness and rejection, they somehow find a way back into my head? I was frustrated by how many times such similar situations have happened and that I felt the same every time. Empty. Withdrawn. Hollow. Isolated. Sad. Why can't I get a grip? Despite these thoughts, I could still feel myself falling apart again.

But then I had a thought. Everyone has their own struggle that they have to learn to deal with and their own temptations they have to push aside. Feeling isolated is a feeling that comes easily to me, and that's just going to be one of my struggles in life. What I have to do now is learn how to deal with it and be prepared to never stop fighting it. It's a personal issue, and it's not up to my friends to fix, it's up to me.

My Devious Mind

Some people are really good at pranks, but I'm not because either I can't be mean enough to play one OR I giggle so much that I give it away. It's so sad.
Well one lovely day during school a few weeks ago, I came up with what I thought was the funniest prank ever. My friends and I all write notes to each other every day. I wrote my friend Brenda a fake note that was really just a folded piece of paper filled with hundreds of tiny shreds of more paper. I was to give the note to Brenda and laugh hysterically as paper exploded in a violent snowstorm all over her while she raged in confetti-covered fury.
How it actually went was this: I handed Brenda the note, practically beaming with anticipation. She opened it, holding it horizontally. She looked down at the small pile of papers on her fake note, looked up at me, and said "What the heck??" I chuckled awkwardly, secretly incredibly bummed that not a single flake of paper had touched Brenda's outfit. I told the entire group friends about my prank and they all laughed at me and the fact that it was the stupidest prank ever.
They thought that was the end of it. But oh, no. This week I was back with a new and improved evil plan, and this time, it was going to work. [insert villianous laughter here]
I have Seminary with Ale. The class period before, in Biology, I wrote her a note. Once again, I shredded tiny pieces of paper. But this time, there was more of them, and I rolled them into tiny little balls so they couldn't clump up. It took an hour, but finally, with my letter carefully folded, my setup was complete. I gave her the letter right after class, but she immediately pocketed it. I was sad I didn't get to see the turnout, so I put my phone on vibrate instead of silent just in case she opened it during Seminary.
For what seemed like forever I was haunted by the image of my prank failing for the second time. I would never live that down. But then, my pocket buzzed. I felt a rush of adrenaline as I opened the message, "YOUR LETTER JUST EXPLODED ALL OVER ME THANKS A LOT" I felt as if I had just won the lottery. I imagined her sitting in her desk, when suddenly, just as I had planned, paper exploded from the note in a violent snowstorm all over her while she raged in confetti-covered fury.  I was so proud and amused at what I had done, that in the effort to stifle outrageous laughter, I had a loud coughing fit in front of the entire class.

...It was so worth it.

Good Day?

Today I had the first good day I've had in a long time. I didn't even have high hopes this morning when I woke up. I thought today was going to be like last week. And last week was NOT a good week. Basically I had this terrible flu that made me unable to breathe 60% of the time (coughing and mucus), a raging headache, and a fever that made me shiver because of freezing temperatures and then two seconds later sweat because it was suddenly boiling hot. I was overwhelmed with school and got really cranky and a little depressed. Not fun.
The point is I didn't see today as being any different, but it was. My cold has calmed down majorly. I had a really fun time in Drawing, I got to actually sing in Choir, and my teachers let me get caught up for the time I was gone in English and math.
But, like all other days, the day usually goes downhill when I get home. There isn't fighting or anything going on in my family, I'm just not super close with anyone who lives in my house. I prefer to be alone most of the time while I'm home. It's a little sad, because I used to like to hang out with my family more. Now I feel like my personality doesn't fit well with theirs, and it's a personality that they're not really used to I guess. They just don't like teenage girls in general. I know that deep down I belong with my family, and I have moments when I can see that, but a lot of the time I feel like I just don't fit in. But that's pretty much a feeling I'm just going to have to get used to because it's everywhere I go.

Anyway. Sorry for the depressing blog posts lately. I write when I need to talk.

Transfer

My best friend Ally goes to Maeser Prep. I still remember, very vividly, the day in eighth grade when she told me she was transferring. We had been inseparable for almost two years and when I found out she was leaving, I cried. During lunch. With everybody staring at me.

Eventually I apologized or not being a supportive friend, but I always secretly hoped she would come back to school with me one day. She promised that she would transfer to Timpanogos in 2012 so we could go to high school together. When she stayed at Maeser, I was bummed all over again. I was scared that we wouldn't be able to stay best friends in high school because of the completely different lives we would lead.

I soon learned that there's not too much you can do to separate real best friends. We've had awkward times and we've gotten jealous of our other friends at school from time to time, but at the end of the day, we're like sisters: no matter how much we annoy each other, we just can't stay mad. By now I've long accepted the idea that we go to different schools and we still hang out almost every weekend.

But today Ally told me that if Timpanogos has a debate team, she might transfer for 11th grade, and it brought me back to when I cried that day in the hallway. I was so afraid. Right now... I feel so hopeful.

Maybe something good will happen in my life this year. 

Ruined

A couple years ago I had it right. I wasn't perfect, and my life wasn't perfect, but I was happy. I was confident with myself and my body. I was close to God and prayed every night. Almost everyone I met I treated as my friend and from that many of them were. I did things that I loved and was passionate about my hobbies. I wrote lots notes to people. I knew who I was and what I wanted to be.
A lot has changed and a lot of things have happened. It's hard. Because every Sunday morning when I can't find any skirts that fit me, and every day as I wander crowded school hallways and still feel so alone, I can't help but wonder, Am I ruined?
I went through this huge transformation in Jr High from a lost little girl to a sure-of-myself tween and apparently it was all for nothing because years later I'm here. It's that beat-up feeling, you know? I feel worn down. Can brown bananas turn yellow again? Can broken vases look the same after glued? Will I stay ruined forever?

Cough Drop

It started with a sore throat. Then a couple days later, a runny nose. A few more days later, an insanely painful earache, and by the end of the week I had a sore throat, a runny nose, an earache, AND pinkeye. I feel like a lot of things in life are like that. Lies, secrets, procrastination, anger, depression... it starts with a sore throat, and by the end of the week every feature of your face is exploding. So I guess the moral is when you have a sore throat... take a cough drop or something.

Contribution

In the moments where everything seems wrong you just feel kind of worthless. Like there's no point in you doing anything or being anywhere. And then there's that moment every once in a while, like for me, today, when a random stranger asks you for help and you help them. That's when you realize that even though your contribution to the world may be small, it's still something. Thousands of bees made that jar of honey you have in your pantry. If each single bee gave up cause they thought they're contribution wasn't enough, your pantry would be a little more empty... and there would be a lot of depressed bees.
What you do probably doesn't change the world, but it makes someone's day sweeter. Maybe they need that today.

Okay

I'm not okay.
I just wanted to say that because all day people ask me how I am and I respond with a cheery, "good!" but sometimes, I am just NOT good at all. And there are moments that I loathe pretending to be so.
I wish I was one of those people that can say, "I had a terrible day, but it's fine now!" but I'm not one of them. So I'm just going to be real for a minute and say that I had a terrible weekend, and it's not really fine. I'm struggling. With secrets, with anger, with sickness, with self-image, with faith, with motivation, and with sadness.
I'm sure I'll be okay later; I'm just not right now.

2013

Ah, the new year.
2012 was definitely not like any other year I've ever had. But I guess every year is like that.
People say, "What comes up must go down." But in that moment where you're sitting in the 20-foot ditch that 2012 threw you in, you really just want to make a new rule that says, "What goes down must come UP."
That'd really be nice for a change.