Battle Scar

Well I woke up this morning to find this...

A huge slash from my nose down to my right cheekbone. I have no idea where it came from, why I have it, or when in the night it happened to appear on my face. At breakfast my dad asked me about it and later in the day four different people did the same. I explained to them that I merely went to sleep one night, and the next morning there was a cut on my face. They nicknamed it my battle scar.  ...I hope I win the battle, whatever it is.

Christmas with the Fam

Christmas.

Opening your presents...

...and taking stalker pictures of your family members.

There's my brother-in-law, Paul, probably playing a game, but I don't remember exactly what he was doing.)

Typical Janell.

My big brother, Steve. (This picture was revenge for the stalker pictures he took of me.)

I've always been a daddy's girl.

My niece Andrea. She's two weeks old and super cute.

We had a good day. We played games, ate food, and we had my whole family of nine all together to celebrate the holiday. I love my family!

Kodak Moment

My camera was no where to be found. Not anywhere. I looked in the couch cushions, all of my purses, the pockets of all of my jeans, my sweatshirts... I tore my entire house apart looking for that bright purple camera. It was absolutely nowhere.

The last time I could remember using it was exactly one year from the day I recieved it-- my birthday. Which was on Sunday and celebrated at home, so I couldn't have left it anywhere other than the house. The whole situation was mind-boggling. Every day I searched some more for my precious camera, but I never found it.

Christmas morning arrived, twenty days after the dissappearance of my camera. I opened my first present. It was a memory card, and a really fancy one at that. My heart ached. I had nothing to contain my new memory card. I continued to open my presents and the last one made my eyes dry out and my hands tremble.

It was a brand new green Kodak digital camera.

It was absolutely gorgeous. Minutes later Janell asked me where her camera was. I had used it when we went to the David Archuleta concert. I was positive I had brought it home in my purse... which I couldn't find. I was back on the search.

"Mom, Tessa lost my camera!" my 23-year-old sister reported to my mother. I looked for my purse like a crazy person. I entered my room to find it on my bed, definately not where it was before. I was confused, but looked inside anyway. There was no camera. I became frantic, I couldn't believe I had lost both mine and my sister's camera!

I dug around everything in sight. Even the bag of props I used for English class. And inside that plastic sack I felt a familiar smooth surface. Out came a bright purple camera. I was happy to see it safe and sound, but I felt so bad. Mom and Dad had bought me a whole new camera, and I had lost Janell's. Now I had two cameras and Janell had lost all of her pictures.

I quietly opened Janell's bedroom door. "Uhh..." I began, but couldn't find the right words to say. I held out my arm, the purple camera dangling from one of my fingers, "I found this... but I looked everywhere for yours."

Janell glanced up at me from her slumped over position on her bed, "I already found it, I raided your purse," she informed me with a chuckle.

I went upstairs to show my mother what I had found. She was surprised but laughed at the thought that I found it the day I got a new one. We decided to compare the two so I wouldn't feel so bad about it. We took identical pictures at the exact same time. The new camera took a faster and better picture with crisp color. I felt better about it and went downstairs.

Now I've got my two cameras, purple and green.

David Archuleta Christmas Concert

I woke up from my slumped over position against the window of the trax car. "We're here," Janell poked my shoulder. Suffering from only four to five hours of sleep the night before, I fell asleep almost every time I held still. But the instant I looked out the window onto the chilly streets of Salt Lake City, I was wide awake. We got off the train and decided to find a place to eat before we headed to the concert.

My sister Kayla's in-laws are in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, therefore giving them eight reserved tickets to their Christmas concert with David Archuleta. I had been looking forward to this concert for months, even though I wasn't fully sure if I would get to go. Kayla and her husband were given three tickets, but because of their newborn baby to arrange things at home for, gave them to us. Mom and Dad were at a meeting, so that left exactly three of us-- Braden, Janell, and me.

We wandered up and down the streets. Janell and Braden are both directionally challenged but insisted upon finding a restaurant on the street we were already on. But when I got to the point I felt like my nose was getting frostbite, I convinced them to allow me to lead them to the Gateway Mall. They followed me and we found a food court around the corner.

When we emerged from behind a building to go to a trax stop, we found the platform so overflown with people, the back of the mob began across the street. We ended up taking the second train that came. I sat in a chair and Braden and Janell stood up in front of me holding on to the bars attached to the ceiling. I kept myself awake until we got to the conference center.

We walked through temple square to see long, thick lines that slithered around trees and stairs to get in the doors. Once we found the correct line, it took us more than half an hour to get in the building. When we did, my purse was dug through by a man in rubber gloves and we all had to walk under a detector.

Fifteen more minutes past and we were in our seats. Right smack dab in the middle. It was perfect. But we still had an hour until the concert started, so during that time I napped on Braden's shoulder, messed around with my iPod, and listened to the complaining of the little girl next to me who smelled strongly of body odor.

Then the lights flickered, dimmed, and an announcer with a deep chocolaty voice walked out on stage. He introduced the choir, orchestra, and finally he dramatically introduced David Archuleta. The crowd erupted in loud applause. He smiled and said he was so happy to be home in Utah.

The music was AMAZING. The orchestra made no mistakes, and the choir was absolutely phenomenal. Seeing the MoTab choir on TV doesn't do them justice, they are perfect in every way. They have great posture, amazing vowels, flawless diction, and are ridiculously united. (I know, I'm such a choir geek.) But seriously, it was amazing! And David Archuleta's heavenly tones lit up the dark room with an indescribable light. I had never been to a live concert before, but at that moment I decided I really liked them. At the end of the concert some boring dude read a really long poem and I fell asleep on Braden. But every time David Archuleta would start singing again, I shot up from Braden's shoulder.

On the trax ride back to the parking lot I hogged up two seats to sleep. I slept on my side, practically bent in half with my feet flat on the floor. We got home around 11:30 and I went straight to bed. What a day.

Fighter

He was out of my life. Now ignored by me, shunned, forgotten... So you can imagine my horror when we got the new seating chart.

And I was seated next to him. The over-opinionated social ladder climbing mophead.

At any other point in my life I would have been delighted, but now, I was disgusted. My former crush whispered not-so-quietly amoungst his friends. "Of all people, it had to be her!" I rolled my eyes and as soon as I could leave my seat I did, and he did the same.

I like to match situations with songs, and a thousand songs flashed through my mind. But the best one was Fighter by Christina Aguilara...
"Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing. Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realized your game. I heard you're going 'round playin' the victim now. But don't even begin feelin' I'm the one to blame 'cause you dug your own grave. After all of the fights and the lies, guess you're wanting to hurt me, but that won't work anymore. No more, it's over.
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never to back down. So I wanna say thank you 'cause it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter.
So thanks for making me a fighter."

Birthday Week

My eyes welled up with moisture to the point I began to sob. It was Friday afternoon, and someone that day had told me I was lazy, selfish, and couldn't do anything right. Insults hurt the most when you believe them. I lay there on the floor of my bedroom, wondering why I could never do anything right. I glanced over to my sketchbooks propped up against the wall. I reached for my newest one, opened the cover, and tore out any and every page that even mentioned a stupid boy I once knew. I bawled and crinkled pages while mumbling to myself how idiotic I had been and was being. I wrote on the next blank page in big letters, "I hate that no matter where I am I'm not good enough" and stuffed my sketchbook back up against the wall.
After my breakdown Braden and I did our chores while Mom was at work.

That evening Ally rescued me from my house but I was still so upset I lay on the floor of her bedroom with my arm covering my eyes while Ally cleaned her room. Once I had the ability to contain myself we walked to Macey's to buy our traditional stash of junk food.

Later in the evening we went to mutual to a live nativity. At the end as we were walking out there was a man in a costume on a horse. I went over to pet the horse. I scratched it's forehead and rubbed it's chin. Soon it had nuzzled it's face against my stomach as I gave him affectionate massages. I thought back to my sister's gorgeous horse, Fame, who died a short time ago. I realized my group was leaving and said goodbye to the horse to catch up.

Saturday was a crazy day. I left the sleepover at my friend's house and soon after found out this stupid boy had told her that I was telling him secrets about her or something, which I really did not understand. She sent me a message asking if she could trust me or not. After talking it over, we figured it out and my friend and I were back to normal.

Later my mom and I went shopping for clothes for her birthday present to me. I got a pair of jeans, a waist belt, and some earrings. While we were at Target I bought Taylor Swift's new album "Speak Now" with the money from my grandma. I. Love. It.

My actual birthday on Sunday was pretty boring.  It was fast Sunday, so I couldn't go anywhere or eat anything. We ate dinner that night, though, and it was so delicious, I probably ate like thirds along with seconds.

It's Thursday, and since Sunday I've had four nosebleeds. This wintery dry air thing is getting ridiculous.

Laika

My fingers rubbed the soft fur of my sweet dog as she stared up at me with those big puppy eyes. The cold air bit at my arms as I said some last words,

"You know, Lou... we're all going to miss you. Somehow you've wiggled your way deep into our hearts. I never forget this goofy look you always had on your face, or the way you were always there to slobber on my hand and let me know that I was loved. But I know it's selfish of me to miss you, because you'll soon be in a place where you can run like you used to, and be warm for the winter, and be your younger self again. But sometimes it'll be hard not to have a dog out here with smiling eyes and not a care in the world to come and scratch on the particularly lonely days."

It was hard to leave her side. Feeling her fur for the last time I muttered, "I love you." With my backpack slung over my shoulder, I turned from her pen and after a few steps, looked back at her figure leaned up against the fence. My heart pounded in my chest. "Goodbye Laika."

My mom stood in the doorway to the garage. As soon as we caught eye of each other we both began to sob. We got in the car to head off to the Jr. High, both sniffling and wiping tears from our eyes all the while..

My Dad was never really that close to Laika. But he went out into her pen and knelt down on the ground beside her and, as he phrases it, "cried like a baby."

Later that day about about noon Janell and my mom went to the vet. Janell held her precious dog as they gave her the medication and layed Laika down in her lap and watched her take her last breaths. Even after her heart stopped beating Janell held her in her arms for a while. In the end they just had to leave Laika there on the floor of the empty room.

To the very last day Laika had that dorky dog smile on her face and a happy heart. We all miss her and are grateful for the opportunity to have owned and loved this marvelous dog for the ten years it lasted.

We will always have you in our hearts, Laika Lou.



I'm Done

"Get over him."
"He's just a stupid boy."
"You never really knew him."

I was growing tired of these lines over and over. No one ever understood. It was a little thing, but for me, it was so much bigger than that. I'm a dreamer. I create worlds for myself. I created this fantasy for myself... The high fives, the smiles, the stops at my locker, it was all part of this big daydream. And when he left, it was just that much more devestating. People are always saying it wasn't really a big deal, as if expecting me to drop it and move on. I have been moving on, but slower than I would a stubbed toe.

But today was a big turning point. A big realization to who he really is. An alarm waking me from my slumber and my dreams. I found out he was talking about me behind my back. Telling people I was a stalker, and teasing this other guy for liking someone like me. Finding this information before would have brought me to tears, but my heart swelled up not into my eyes, but into my head.

In my moments of annoyance, he happened to say hello to me on Gmail. I confronted him about his actions and he began respond with short replies such as "ok" and "yeah" as I asked him to not turn into a jerk and to keep rude opinions to himself. He said he was sorry but I knew he wasn't, and I was too outraged to care even if he was.

He's selfish, he's inconsiderate, and he's proud of it. If that's who he wants to be that's fine with me, I just don't have to be a part of it anymore. I don't have to sit and cry every time someone brings him up. I don't have to think of him in every song I listen to.

I'm done.

A Hard Week

The pavement was cold against me as I sat on the ground.
"Tell me what's wrong."
Paisley sat on the ground next to me, looking into my eyes. She could tell all day something was not right and brought me outside at lunch to talk.
As I told her about all that was bothering me, I was quickly brought to tears. She urged me to go on and I choked out a long list of the things that seemed to be going terribly wrong in my life. Near the end she said something about a boy and I began to sob. I leaned up against her and she held me and let me cry the rest of the time.

Lunch ended and I trudged down the hall, my eyes and face red and blotchy. People looked at me with strange espressions on their faces. During all of last period people were asking me what was wrong. I told them I had just been talking about some bad memories and they sort of shrugged it off after giving me several hugs.

I got home that day hoping things to be going uphill, but it didn't get better with the news about this girl. The journey with our dear Laika Lou is coming to a close. She's being put down this Tuesday.

I know she'll be happier in a place where she can run and play again, but the hardest thing thing to ever say to someone is goodbye.

Saturday we held a baby shower for my sister and it was my mom's birthday. We wanted it to be a happy day but we soon found out my mom's step dad fell and broke his hip. He already has lung cancer and now he's expected to die this week.

The world is crumbling around me all over again, but faster and harder than it was before.

Learning From Experience

Back during spring break of seventh grade, a lot of stuff happened. This guy told something to people when he promised he wouldn't tell anyone. It hurt a lot. These were the days when _____ was still there for me, and he got mad at the kid and told him to "lay off Tessa because she's my friend and I won't have a jerk like you treating her like this." This experience brought my closer to _____ and farther away from the other boy. This other boy had a crush on me, so it was really hard for him.

The other day we were talking and he said, "I wish I could delete April 10, 11, and 12. I am just so mad at myself for it."

I thought about this and said, "But it strengthened my relationship with _____. We didn't last, but those were the best days of my entire life.
...The days with him in them.
Everything happens for a reason. If spring break didn't happen I wouldn't have learned how to truely love or forgive. And if _____ and I hadn't become that much stronger I would have never been heartbroken BUT if I had never been heartbroken I never would have learned how to let go, even when it's hard.
Or how to pray with all of my heart and mind.
Or how to turn to the people around me for comfort and know that they are always there.
And I wouldn't have met Paisley.
That's why spring break had to happen to me. I don't know about you, but for me, spring break HAD to happen, because everything happens for a reason and every trial teaches you something and makes you a stronger person."

It was quiet for a while and I got off the computer. Hours later I found this message from him. "Thank you sooooooo much! You completely made my day! You were so right, I needed to think about that, and now I don't feel so mad at myself anymore! Never forget how much you have changed mine and other peoples lives!"

Sometimes it's nice to know that I can lift people up with words and help them to learn from not only their experiences, but mine too.

1, 2, 3, 4

Today I was kind of having a hard day. I came home and was talking to my friend on the phone as she started listening to a song. I asked her what it was, looked it up on YouTube, and the next thing I knew I was listening to it... over and over and over again. I fell in love with it. It's such a cute song that makes me think of so many different wonderful people in my life.

"Give me more lovin' than I've ever had,
Make it all better when I'm feelin' sad,
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not,
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, barely gettin' mad,
I'm so glad I found you; I love bein' around you.

You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2-- 1, 2, 3, 4.
There's only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you-- I love you.
There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that's what I'll do-- I love you.

Give me more lovin' from the very start,
Piece me back together when I fall apart,
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends.
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, best that I've had,
I'm so glad I found you, I love bein' around you.
You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2-- 1, 2, 3, 4
There's only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you-- I love you
There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that's what I'll do-- I love you."
--"1, 2, 3, 4" by The Plain White T's

Mia Maids

Once upon a time back when I turned twelve I joined Young Women. None of the girls knew me because I was the only one in the lower grade due to the age difference. I had no friends and always sat alone. The only thing I was excited for was for my younger friends to come in six months later.

My birthday is three weeks from today and the first Sunday of December. Which means I'll be fourteen and moving to Mia Maids. Which I am terrified for. I'll be leaving all of my Beehives to hang out with the bunch I had no friends in at the beginning of my Young Women experience. My Beehives have become the little sisters I never had. I've been the oldest all year, and they've all looked up to me and clung onto me. I don't know what I'll be without them, all I know is that I won't feel accepted in Mia Maids like I did in Beehives.

I think the only thing that will keep be alive will be my Mia Maid leader, Sister Ige. She is such a strength to me and has been a friend ever since she moved into my neighborhood. It'll be fun to have her, but I'll sure miss my little sisters.

Freedom

I sat in the wooden rocking chair in my living room, looking out the window at the rustling orange and gold leaves. I thought about the day's events quietly to myself as the wind blew outside. I imagined it flowing through my hair, separating each strand, giving life to it's dead state. I combed my fingers through it as it draped down over my shoulders providing warmth to my neck.

He said he was sorry.

And this whole time, I've been sorry too. But I realize that it was all a crazy misunderstanding. We were both confused and never meant to hurt each other. But I let my insecurities blind me and I was broken by the simple things. I think we are both feeling a lot better now, but I know there is no going back to the way things were before. You can break something and glue the pieces back together, but it will always have a few cracks in it.

Though it does feel nice to know that I'm not hated, judged, but... forgiven. Oh, the feeling of being rid of your mistakes. It's priceless. It's a rush that tingles through you, cleansing you of all you regreted. It's almost like the wind blowing through your hair giving it life again, giving it freedom.

Back From Italy and Falling Down

A breeze rushed through the hallways as a flood of boys raced out of the P.E. to go to lunch. I was cruising my way to my locker with my friend when a boy ran strait into me and we both fell down. I wasn't hurt in any way, just surprised and looked over to see who is was. He gave me a creepy look and a "Hey" before getting up and running off down the hall.

The rest of the day was mostly normal. After school I trudged outside onto the wet hill by the side of the school where I'm usually picked up. I heard a familiar voice say my name. I glanced down the hill to my left and there stood Ansalee Morrison, back from her month vacation in Italy. I ran down the hill and almost slid into her. She almost fell over as I attacked her with a big bear hug.
"You're back!!!!!!!!!" I pointed out.
"Yep!" she smiled and my other friends began to gather around her, asking questions and giving her hugs. I soon spied my carpool and had to leave the circle of excitement.

What a crazy day.(:

Optimism

Type... delete. Type... delete. My mind is officially blank.

This has been a loooong week. Every day seemed to drone on and on and on and on......
It was like a neverending mess of blah. School included scowls, essays, fainting, and a lot of other dramatic goings-on with all of the crazy boys and emotional girls. Every hour of the day teased me as the hands on the clock seemed to freeze up and every minute was like a year.. Full of mystery and wonderings about what the future holds.

But today in Young Womens we had a wonderful lesson on optimism. We started out with a silent quiz:

1. Do you often have a gloomy expression on your face? Hmm.. Not really.
2. Do you forget the many good things on your life and overemphasize the few things you lack? For this one I'd have to say yes.
3. Do you feel sorry for yourself? At some times more than others.
4. Do you think more of yourself than others? I don't think so.
5. Do you think you have too much to do? Is that a trick question? 
6. Do you expect things to go wrong in your life? I guess you might as well be prepared for all of the stupid things that are most likely going to happen to you... right? No wait, just kidding.. OPTIMISM, Tessa. Op-ti-mis-m.
7. Do you blame others for your moods and behaviors? Do hormones count?
8. Do you think life has been unfair to you? It really depends on the day.

I didn't really Ace the quiz. It's been a hard week, but there are people with bigger problems than me. And things are definately getting better.

So there it is.. My pathetic excuse for a blog post.(:

100th Post

This is the 100th post on my blog... I'm officially a blog addict. And ironically, I never journal.

Well, I guess I'll make this post the story of my blog.

It all started with my mom. In my very first post it says, "My mom loves reading blogs. Almost everyday she sifts through all of the blogs in our Favorites list, reading all of the different lectures and stories. I started reading these blogs as well. Now I love reading blogs."
I soon became excited about the idea and wanted a blog of my own. I figured I love writing and taking pictures, so it all works out, right? As I was attempting to some up with a name from my blog, I thought of being a teenager and all of the drama that follows.. I guess "Daily Drama" just kind of came to me.

My first month of blogging in March I had three posts, making a commitment to post every weekend. It was a total of five posts in April and about the same routine. I soon started writing more often, whenever I had a thought. October's posts added quickly up to 22...

But I feel blogging has been a good experience for me. Sometimes it's hard to let it all out, and it's nice to have this "online journal" where people can share my thoughts and feelings. My first expressive post was about walking. I brought my readers on a walk with me to Canyon View over spring break when I was feeling slightly "school sick." I continued to express myself with words through various posts such as "Finding Me."

I showed my blog to a couple of my closest friends and also some women from my ward. As time went on, my friends would show Daily Drama to their friends, and so on. Now I've met new people by them coming up to me in the halls and saying, "Oh! I read your blog!" I feel so famous!

Overall, "The Drama" (as Mom calls it) has been a success and a amazing and fun experience. Thanks to all of you wonderful readers out there, whether you are a neighbor, friend, or schoolmate. You are all wonderful people to keep coming back to this crazy dramatic mess we call Daily Drama.

The Scale

After trick-or-treating I went to a friends house to relax and watch a movie. I had shorts on underneath my purple princess dress, but not a shirt. I asked my friend if I could borrow a t-shirt. She looked at me and said, "Well, they would all be too small..." she paused, "but, they're a little small on me too anyway." She went and asked her mom if they had any "bigger t-shirts." I felt awful.

That day I realized it was time to get on the scale again. I weigh myself every midterm of school. I stood on the scale and stared up at the ceiling. Look down on three, I thought. One.. two.. I looked down at the digital number. YES!!! I lost six pounds in a month!!!

It was quite the victorious moment after such a horrid one.

Library Thoughts

I’m sitting here in the computer lab/library at school. I feel good. Better than usual, which I guess is a good thing. Well, it IS a good thing. But my friend keeps asking me the most random questions. It’s already enough responsibility to be in charge of my own life, let alone someone else’s on the side. Sheesh.

They finally turned on the heaters at school. It was most likely below 10 degrees before, now it’s only probably like 30. Fahrenheit, that is.

I’ve been attempting... well, kind of… to read this book for my English class. Last night I thought, “I’m SO going to read this whole thing right now.” But I fell asleep before I made it to page 24. Yeah, I know, impressive. (sarcasm!)

I sat here, in my plastic chair when I felt a soft hand touch my shoulder. “Hey Tessa.” I stiffened. It was him.
“…Yes?” I turned my head.
“Check your email.” He walked away back over to his computer on the other side of the room.
I opened my email on which I had been writing notes. There was a chat box in the lower right corner. “_____: hello tessa!”
Woahh, I thought, He actually started talking to me. Weird. But awesome.
The rest of the period we talked casually.

What a weird day. Now I'm off to a birthday party, and I'm super excited!

Clearing the Board

I'd say, "I'm over him" but yet I'd still walk in my room to the sight of his pictures and quotes all over my wall.

It was torture. I'd try not to think about him, but yeah... it's a little difficult when his face looms over you when you're laying in bed at night. I was finally fed up, these pictures were coming down.

Out came the first tack.

I continued to remove picture after picture. I looked back at my board. Even after changing my name at the top, it was so empty.

I started rearranging, starting with new pictures. I printed out some cool pictures I've taken to hang up on my wall.

It's still not full, but I feel so much better. So much more free.

I love the feelings of clearing the board... and quite literally at that.

Challenge--Day 5 (And a Pep-Talk)

Day five turned out quite unexpectedly. All day I wasn't concentrating much on the challenge.

At 6:30 one of my best friends, Paisley King came over to my house. We took pictures, messed with my hair, talked, goofed off, and had an amazing evening.

At about 11:00 I was showing Pais notes between me and a friend in my Science class. I was showing her little snippets or the notes by reading out loud. She asked if she could read the entire series of notes. After hesitation I said no and set the notes on the headboard of my bed behind me. She could see the concerned expression on my face and asked why.
"The numbers," I mumbled.
"Phone numbers?" she inquired.
"No," I replied slowly, "weight numbers." I started getting nervous. I unconsciously would try to change the subject as I began to pick off my fingernails. "No matter how much changes or how many years go by, they're always there. The numbers are always there."

"Oh, Tessa. This is going to be a pep talk like no other you've ever heard," Paisley began, "You are beautiful. One of the most amazing people I've ever seen. And God made you. He never makes mistakes." She continued explaining how weight doesn't matter and I look great anyway. Near the end of the talk she said, "I've seen you. The days when you're not thinking about it and you're helping other people, you shine. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in a person. It's like all of these wonderful things on the inside just reflect out and you really shine, Tessa. If Teric's too blind to see that, then he's not worthy of you. I can see it, and I know there are so many other people that see it to, and that's why you're just so lovable." We both teared up and tried hard not to cry.

It turns out not only should I refrain from judging others, but also refrain from judging myself. Thanks, Pais for helping me realize that true beauty doesn't come from a boy's approval, or even the numbers. True beauty comes from the heart.

Fainting

I tend to be in a hurry in the mornings. You wake up, get up, and get moving. Well I woke up this morning and was on my feet. My eyes went black like they usually do when I get up too fast. Usually they'll go black for a second or two and then they'll come back to normal and I'll leave my room. But this morning as my eyes went black I felt really dizzy. I grabbed the wall for support and waited for my eyes to come back. I rocked back and forth, still holding onto the corner of the wall.

The next minute I was laying on my back on the floor. I don't remember falling down. One minute I was standing and the next I wasn't. I looked up at the ceiling. My head hurt from pounding down on the floor. I weakly and slowly stood back up. The glowstick chain that usually hung from my doornob was now in the ground. I don't remember touching the glowsticks, either. I left the room and went upstairs feeling really freaked out.

Talk about a weird morning.

Challenge--Day 4

For seven months of my life my emotions revolved around one person. If he waved at me I was happy, if he ignored me I was sad, etc. Well today was the first day of my life I actually was in control of my emotions and, let me tell you, it was WONDERFUL.

I was happy all of the time about everything!

This morning my friend went up to him and whacked him with her binder... I thought he'd be really mad at me after that. As I walked into Science as he was walking out I acted as if he wasn't there. A couple seconds later a friend informed me that he actually said hi to me!
"Really??" I asked before shooting out the door of the classroom. I chased him down.
He was talking with a friend, "...and she just ignored me!" He was telling the friend.
I snuck up behind him, "_____!!!" I waved and smiled.
He smiled back and waved with a satisfied, "Hey Tessa!"
I almost sprinted back to the classroom. I had the most ridiculous smile on my face.

As for the challenge, today we played Ultimate Frisbee against a really competitive team in P.E. Rather than trying to put them down and make them the enemy, we encouraged them and were optimistic. We ended up winning the game but the other team was still happy because we were all nice about it.

Challenge--Day 2 (Plus Liquid Nitrogen and Preforming)

The day started normally. I attended my classes as usual, until I got to A4-- Science.

Today we had a demo about phase changes using liquid nitrogen. Mr. Housley first put a hot dog in it to demonstrate what liquid nitrogren would do to human flesh. When he pulled out the hot dog it was slightly shriveled and pale. He held it out for the class to see while he began talking to us about what had happened to the hot dog. Mid-sentance, he chucked the not-so-hot dog and it hit the board and shattered like glass, showering the room with pieces of extremely frozen hot dog.
At another point in the lesson Housley scooped a cup of the nitrogen and splashed it over our heads. IT felt so weird... First you felt this stinging liquid, and the next minute it was gone.

And as for the challenge. I was having a great conversation with my friend, and he is friends with this girl who I have never really enjoyed being around. But then I thought, She's got to be a good person if she's friend with such a great kid,  right? For the rest of the day I concentrated on all of the nice things she's said to me rather than the emotional torment I had previously recieved from her. I think it worked, and now I don't hate her... It'll take some more work to like her, but I'm not stopping now.

Also today was the first choir concert at Canyon View Jr. High. I'm in the advanced girls' choir, Treble Trios. We all had matching glittery tops and sang out hearts out on stage. I had a great time!

Challenge--Day 1

Today was a weird day.

As I sat in History B1, my friend Paisley King asked how I was doing with all of this boy drama. I explained that he doesn't talk to me anymore. The next thing I knew Paisley was walking over to him. My eyes popped out of my skull as she said loudly, "Say hi to Tessa!!! SAY HI!!!"

He looked over at me, cowering in a desk. "Hi Tessa."
"Ehh... h-hi," I gasped, "____."
"Say it again!" Paisley commanded, "Again!"
"Hi Tessa," He turned away.
Paisley got after him. "_____! Talk to her!"
"I don't know how to just start a random conversation!"
I planted my face in the desk. Suuuuuure you don't. You do it all of the time.

My heart pounded in my chest. I trembled. All I wanted to say was "I'm sorry." The words haunted me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I just want to be a good friend. I never said another word. Neither did he.

The rest of the day went past and I wasted even more opportunities to say I'm sorry.

I had almost forgotten about my previous challenge until I went home and got on Facebook. I saw the name of a girl I had had a lot of problems judging. I started a chat with her and asked her how she was feeling. I told her I was here to listen and she could ask anything. She told me about a difficult situation in her life and I talked to her about it and gave her advice. Soon I was telling her about my life and she started giving me advice. I ended up having a lovely conversation with her and I really feel a lot better about who she is rather than who I thought she was.

How was your day one?

Challenge!

This week I'm challenging myself on judging others. Every day at school I'm going to find the good in someone I don't particularly enjoy being around. That's at least five different people. And instead of focusing on the weakness of that person, I'll focus on their strengths. I encourage anyone else to do this, and at the end of the week look back and see if it made each day better, even by just a bit.(:

Everything Happens for a Reason

There are a lot of things I miss. I miss spending time with Kayla, I miss lost friends, I miss all of the opportunies I had to make my life happier. If you could live your life all over again, would you? There are days I wish I could go back and change all of my mistakes.

When I was a little girl my mom used to always say to me, "Tessa, I love that you always have a smile on your face, from the time you walk up the stairs for breakfast to the time we tuck you in at night." When Janell moved out of the our house I became really depressed, and mom never said that to me anymore. I'm just now becoming happier with myself and my wonderful life.

Though I'm one of those people that believes that everything happens for a reason. Whether it's for the purpose of meeting a new and better friend, getting a better job, or purely just learning a lesson. We all learn through our experiences.

I think about that guy I once liked. He started talking to me because I was shy and he wanted to get to know me better. If I would have overcome my level of shyness beforehand I might not have ever become his friend. Maybe I was supposed to have those painful years in elementary school of hiding away from the world in order to have this big change in me in seventh grade. If I had never become his friend I would have never learned so many lessons. One of the things I've learned most recently is that you don't need the approval of a boy to be happy. You don't need praise from others to be who you are. If someone doesn't like the real you, then that's their problem. We are all individuals of divine worth. We all have something different to contribute to the world and the people around us.

Mountains

I was always the chubby kid. In elementary school I'd walk the mile while my teacher yelled at me to jog. As ugly as I was, my lack of self-esteem made me even uglier. No one really wanted to hang around me because I was always depressed. At the Valentine's dance in sixth grade the same boy asked me to every dance... my neighbor and childhood friend who felt bad for me. But no girls asked him to dance, either.

I always wanted to be pretty, but instead of pursuing beauty, I sat down in the grass at lunch and compared myself to the other girls at school and felt sorry for myself.

This is me on my thirteenth birthday, December 5, 2009.

I'm not sure when or how it happened, but I guess one morning I woke up and decided if I was really concerned about the way I looked, I might as well do something about it, just like my mom says. I started going on walks and cutting down my portion sizes. (Along with cutting off the split ends of my hair, tweezing my eyebrows, brushing my teeth twice a day, wearing make-up, and other basic steps in looking prettier.)

This is me around the end of seventh grade in June 2010.

This is me on the first week of eighth grade having lost eighteen pounds since January.

I'm still not where I dream of being, but I can walk the halls of the school feeling confident with who I am and not be concerned about what others think. I feel like I've learned so much lately, I've even learned how to be happy. Like it says in the song "Mountains" by Lonestar: "I've been around and I've noticed that walkin's easier when the road is flat and dang, those  hills'll get you every time. But the good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb."

Visible

Don't you ever have those days where you feel like you're completely invisible? You're sitting in the halls of the school at lunch watching the people pass by going, "I know her, and him, and her. Oh, and her too but she has no idea who I am." Typical. In fact, my name in Spanish class last year was "Callada" meaning "quiet girl."
So far in all of my days in Jr. High I've only met one person who knew my name before I knew hers. That's got be some kind of record.

Well yesterday evening I checked my email to read the comments on my blog posts and I begin to read, "Jordyn says..." For a moment I was a bit confused. I know two Jordyns. One is in my ward but she never uses the computer let alone read my blog, and the other Jordyn I have never actually had a conversation with. (One of those "I know her but I'm pretty sure she has no idea who I am" people.) But the second Jordyn is friends with a lot of my friends from school so I see her around and think, "Wow, she sounds like a wonderful girl!" but of course never actually find the courage to speak up.

I read the comment and a huge smile branches from one side of my face to the other. Jordyn Chung-Hoon knows who I am... I'm visible!!! And to Jordyn Chung-Hoon!!! I think as I sit up in my chair.

My day is made. Thanks Jordyn!(:

The Power of Prayer

I walked downstairs to my room feeling dizzy. I fell down on my knees. "Heavenly Father..." I sputtered as I wiped tears from my face. "I don't know what to do."
I spoke quietly on my knees for ten minutes, pleading for guidence. Tears ran down my face and the words all flowed out of my mouth.

When I finally stood up on trembling legs I waited in silence as if something amazing was going to happen. Nothing happened and I walked upstairs and threw myself down on the couch. I wondered how prayers are most commonly answered. Then I realized something. I was calm. My mind was at peace. All of my troubles were still there, but it was like they didn't matter anymore. Experiences like this really testify of the power of prayer.

Things got better from there. Today I had a wonderful day, smiling all the while.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I'm struggling to make decisions. I feel like these decisions will change my life, and I'm afraid. I'm spinning around in circles. Circles of fear, confusion, heartbreak, tears. Now I'm standing here at the fork in the road asking, "Where do I go from here?"

The Potential to Become Stronger

Boys are so troublesome.

I don't know what's happened. It's like all of the sudden I don't exsist to him. I'm just another teenager roaming the halls. We both truely cared for each other, how can it all just be gone? I still don't understand. I thought about this all last period. When the bell rang I went out into the hall and, of course, saw him. I smiled and nodded at him. He looked me in the eyes for a moment before quickly looking away.

That's when I broke down.

As I walked out of the doors of the school I began to cry. Silently, but it was obvious. I shivered and my face grew red as tears messed up my mascara and ran down my cheeks. My friends Ally and Madi approached me and stood awkwardly around me, not knowing what to do. Finally Ally leaned in to give me a hug and I dug my face into her shoulder and shook pitifully. I was too upset to even explain what was wrong.

Later that day I lay on my bed, not knowing why God would let such horrible things happen to 13-year-old girls. I then thought back to a few days earlier when I was comforting one of my friends.

He is having a really hard time in his life. He told me what was going on and then told me he was kind of angry with God for letting all of this happen. I told him that God isn't just trying to give us a hard time, but he gives us trials because he knows we are strong and that we have the potential to become even stronger.

As I remembered this sitting in sacrament meeting, my knees straightened and I shot out of the pew almost unwillingly. I walked slowly up to the stand. As I shared my thoughts, my hands trembled and my voice shook so much I'm not sure how anyone understood what I was saying. When I sat down I was exceedingly embarassed but relieved all at once.

But I know that's true, it's what keeps me going on these hard days. And even though we all have our unique trials, we ALL have the potential to become stronger.

Counting Hugs

Recently I'd been feeling like the lamest person on the face of the planet. I felt like no one appreciated me, which was quickly to be proven wrong.

People would notice that I was sad and give me a hug and talk to me or ask what's wrong. I realized that I've been freaking out about nothing, and that everyone is nice to me. I then started counting hugs.

My friend Ansalee likes to count things. For a couple of weeks she would count all of the guys wearing purple shirts she'd see in the hall. Then when she was sick she counted how many cough drops she'd take in a day. So today, aiming for optimism, I started counting hugs. It turns out in 5 hours time I recieved SEVEN wonderful hugs. I feel so loved!

Ansalee is also trying to be my "boy-craziness rehabilitation therapist." Oh goodness.

So now I'm sitting here, wrapped up in a sweatshirt listening to the rumble of thunder and the patter of rain. I hate being wet outside in the rain, but man, how I love these sounds.(:

Moods These Days

I was having a really hard time lately. I got to the point that I cried myself to sleep last night, listening to the song "Pieces" by Rascal Flatts. Story of my life.

So I go to school and a girl in my History class noticed my frown and baggy eyes. Her name is Paisley King. She sat down next to me, gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. She is such an awesome person and I absolutely love her. So the rest of the day was a bit better, but I was still feeling rather down.

When I got home from school my friend Madi Reinhard called me. "Are you coming to the volleyball game?"
"Uhhh.... no. I'm horrible at volleyball."
"You better come!"
"No."
"YES!"
"Fine!"

I arrived at the stake center and entered the gym. Madi and Ally ran to me and gave me big hugs and explained, several times, how happy they were that I was there. My mood went up some more as I talked with my friends. I sat down on the stage. I met three new people from a different ward and they were all so nice and amazing.

My turn to serve was coming up. I was so stressed out I was going to mess up and people would be upset at me like they were in seventh grade P.E. The other team was winning 25-21. I stepped up to the line, swung my arm, and the ball flew through the air. It soared over the net and right into the middle of the players on the other team. She scrambled for it and missed. People gave me high-fives and smiles of all sorts. After four more serves and four more points we won the game.

I beamed as people gathered around me. No one knew I could do something like that, and I didn't either. We were all so happy and my smile covered half of my face. Another girl came up behind me and asked my name. We introduced ourselves and she complimented my "beautiful hair." I told her that she was wonderful and made me really happy before leaving the gym.

Moods can really turn around these days.

A Day at the Mall

Ally and I went to the mall today... for like three hours. We walked into Icing to look at accessories. (Just in case any of you didn't know I LOOOOVE accessories! But alas, being the poor thirteen-year-old that I am, I seem to have a lack thereof.) Well, after babysitting some angelic children a couple weeks ago, I happened to earn a bit of money and it was burning a whole in my pocket.

I approach the back wall, covered in headbands. I walked back and forth, trying on headbands of all sorts. I finally decided on a turquoise headband with a little bow on the side. I approach the counter.

The lady spoke, "Our accessories are buy one get one half off."
"Oh alright... can I go look around a bit more?"
"Sure, I'll hold on to this for you," she said as she set the headband aside.
I went back to the wall, but something else caught my eye.
A scarf.
A beautiful, turquoise, black, and hot pink scarf.
I walked over to it and ran my fingers along the fabric. I wanted it. The money in my hand was on fire and I scooped up the scarf and carried it to the counter. Apparently a scarf didn't count as an accessory and the woman asked me to go get another headband. I did, but realized that with the scarf and two headbands I didn't have enough money. My heart dropped.
I stood there, non-literal sweat running down my face. "I... I guess I'll have to put the scarf back."
"That's too bad, it's a cute one."
Thanks for making me feel "better," I thought. I set the lovely scarf on the rack and swooned over the sight of it once again. I purchased the headbands and left the store.

I said to Ally, "It's one thing to leave something you desperately want behind, but it's another thing to think it's yours and then have to put it back."

We walked through the mall to Macy's and went upstairs to mess around. We plopped down on some mattresses as a woman walked by. "Are you buying a mattress?" Ally and I gave her a confused look.
"Uhh, no."
"Are you parents coming to buy one?"
"They should, but no." Ally smiled innocently at the lady. She looked really annoyed with us. Finally we left and the cranky worker left us alone. About and hour later we came right back... she was gone. We layed on a really fluffy mattress and talked. Another worker walked by.
We tensed up before she smiled and said, "I was about to ask if you were buying a mattress, but then I realized that you two are just having some fun! Silly me!" We smiled sweetly at her and she walked off.

Talk about an intense day at the mall.

Mood Swings

I've been feeling weird lately. I go from being sincerely happy to annoyed to sad in the same day... I don't even know. Some kid threw something at me at lunch. Have you noticed that once someone says something hurtful to you, EVERYTHING they do is annoying?? Yeah. I have. Gosh.

ANYWAY, I wrote a blog post while sitting in a computer lab at school with free time.
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A cool breeze flows through the noisy computer lab. I sit in my plastic chair, thinking. Nothing more than thoughts winding around my brain cells confusing my mind. Too many thoughts. Not enough space. I want to yell to the world… everything I’m thinking. Just to get it out. I don’t know how to feel or what to say.
I shouldn’t be so lovesick. I’M ONLY THIRTEEN. But every time I hear his voice over anyone else’s, I know there’s nothing I can do about it. That is, nothing that doesn’t involve sacrifice. My life would be nothing without him. I wouldn’t dream at night, my friends would have nothing to tease me about, I wouldn’t find joy in the simplest things like high-fives or just saying hello. But I guess that’s selfish of me.

“On my own, pretending he’s beside me. . . Without me, his world will keep on turning. A world that’s full of happiness that I have never known! . . . I love him. But only on my own.” –On My Own from Les Miserables

I feel like I don’t know how to put what’s in my head into spoken words. I know what to say, but when I open my mouth nothing happens. The sentences disappear and the sounds fly away from me, taunting me with the desire to speak.

Oh, the woes of life!!!

Okay here’s a better song… “Got my dreams, got my life, got my love. Got my friends, got the sunshine above! Why am I making this hard on myself when there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to HAPPY?” –Happy by Natasha Bedingfield

There. Who has optimism NOW??? Heh heh… I’m just a bit hyper. Mood swings, gotta love ‘em.
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Sleepless

So. Much. HOMEWORK, I thought to myself as I logged of of the computer at 11:00 p.m. having finished my report. Now I have to read that stupid packet. For English class we're reading the Canterbury Tales... The one I had to read at the time was the longest one; The Knight's Tale. It's only about 50 pages long but I was not looking forward to it.

I slithered down the stairs to start reading the tale.

I propped myself up on my elbows on the end of my bed away from my pillow so I wouldn't be tempted to fall asleep. Well, as tempted... I still had a huge desire. I read for a few pages until my elbows ached and I kept dropping my head.

I turned around and propped myself up against my headboard with pillows.

This worked for a while, but I eventually slid down the the point where I was laying on my back bending my neck in half in order to see the paper in front of me. My eyes sagged, my head pounded. Sleep haunted me.

I turned over onto my stomach. I'M AWAKE! I told myself.

I'm..... still...... awake.......

Just kidding.

The night went on. I'd fall asleep for about 30 minute periods before waking up again to read some more. After about two pages my eyelids would sneak shut and I'd drift off once again. I woke up for the bajillionth time at 5:00 a.m. I'm tired of this, I thought. Literally. I decided to just sleep the rest of the 45 minutes until I had to get up.

The whole night I never slept for an hour straight, and I never finished The Knight's Tale.

I Hate This Feeling.

I'm swimming in this huge pool of thoughts. Millions of drops of water fill the pool, and it only gets deeper at the end. I'm not very good at swimming, though, but I'm trying to learn. All of the different moves and strokes... With the right technique you can easily swim around in the deep end without worry.

But I'm becoming afraid. I swing my arms and paddle my legs. I try all of the different things I've been taught, but my head keeps going under the water. I try to push the water down, I move my arms frantically, I'm gasping for air.

I'm trying to do what's right, but it all ends up wrong. Why must I always learn things the hard way? I can't breathe. Water goes up my nose, causing considerable discomfort. I flail in the water, reaching for the surface. My hands reach up to the sun, longing to feel it's warm rays. Images of other swimmers are blurred, and my eyes eventually go dark and I sink to the bottom.

I just want to do something right for once. I want to be someone people look up to rather than despise. I'm drowning, sinking hopelessly to the bottom, and no one can save me. I hate this feeling.

Braden

This would be me and my baby brother, Braden. Braden is eleven years old and in sixth grade.

Braden was born on July 3, 1999, taking my spot as the youngest in the family. My two-and-a-half-year-old brain convinced me that Braden was of the devil for stealing the attention usually directed towards me. Therefore, I tried to rid of him. I used to step on him, bury him under pillows, and hold him just to be in pictures.

As he got older things didn't change much, except for Braden's increased "being annoying" skills. He'd wipe his boogers on my wall, steal my toys, etc... I probably deserved it. Then again, I probably was the one who taught him how to be obnoxious in the first place. It figures.

The years went on. I learned more horrible things to say to a little brother and we ended up fighting every time we were even in the same building. And besides the fighting, there was the whole "I'M TELLING MOM!" ....."MOM!!!!!!!"  My mother tried a lot of things. She even tried the "Tattle and Pay a Quater" rule. Which we hated.

I'm still not really sure when things started turning around. Now Braden still has a special skill for irritating me, but he's also a sweetheart. He gives me kisses on the cheeks and does little favors for me constantly. Once I was walking to a sleepover with all of my luggage and whatnot, and Braden rode up on his bike and carried my ridiculously heavy bag with only one complaint... "If girls didn't wear make-up, they'd be like 20 pounds lighter."

Whenever Braden has a nightmare or is scared my a storm, he comes down to my bedroom, even in the middle of the night, and sleeps in my floor. I talk to him and give him advice.

Even though sometimes a pain, I'm still grateful to have my cute little Braden. :)

A Vast Improvement

Since about this time last year, I've lost at least 16 pounds. ...And gotten a waist and more cleavage and whatnot. Maybe that is why this morning when I walked into my mom's room she looked at me and asked, "Are you wearing spanx??" (In case you are wondering, spanx are extremely tight stretchy pieces of clothing that are supposed to make you look smooth.)

Why, no, I was/am not wearing spanx, I told her. "But you look so flat!" Mom remarked as she stared at me for a while until it got quite awkward and I walked downstairs. Am I wearing spanx? That's actually rather flattering! I looked in the mirror, thinking about this and noticing that I do, in fact, look significantly more attractive and thinner than last year.

A couple days ago I was comparing my two ID cards. My seventh grade one was horrendous, especially compared to this year's picture, being the best school picture I've ever had. I was showing the two cards to my friend Blake when he exclaimed, "How can you be so freaking beautiful??!?!" This made my entire day. It seems I've had a vast improvement appearance wise.

And you know what? I'm happier, too.

Finish This Run

Yesterday we had the "Fun Run" ... the fitness test run at Canyon View for P.E.

My friend Sarah followed me around the locker room saying, "Oh noooo, it's the fun run! Dang, today's the fun run... UGH I hate the fun run!" As we were walking outside to the track, I told her that with a good attitude, it would be a thousand times more pleasant. She soon brushed off this idea. "Can I do the fun run with you? I don't want to be in the back alone."

I was slightly startled. The back ALONE?? I tried not to take too much offense to this but soon my thoughts were back to the fun run in seventh grade.

I remember complaining. A lot. I remember walking the track. Mrs. Johnson was annoyed when I finished in 17 minutes... I felt fat. Pathetic. But I knew I didn't try... I was afraid to fail.
Memories of my former self haunted my mind, I pushed them away. NO, I'm not that girl. And I'm going to finish this run.

Sarah and I arrived at the starting line. "C'mon, Sarah, we're jogging."
"Wha--" she was cut off by the sound of this whistle and the pounding footsteps of fifty girls.
"Jog! You can do it!" I encouraged rather loudly. We jogged and jogged until Sarah couldn't take any more.
"Slow down! Slow..." she panted, "...down!" we finally broke into a walk.
"Speed walk!" I proclaimed as I threw one foot in front of the other. Sarah followed close behind, panting and complaining all the while. "Okay, when we get to the lamp post," I advised, "We jog." After a groan from Sarah we were off once again, now passing some other girls in the class.
"I... have... a... cr...cramp!" Sarah sputtered.
"Keep going, push past the pain, you can do it!" I was starting to sound like a drill sergeant. "YOU CAN DO IT!!!"
We speed walked and jogged, over and over. Sarah's complaining became a little less frequent as I edged her on. "Let's go, we can do this. Think of the beautiful A you can have in this class! Just keep going!"

We did keep going. We came to near the end and there was a straight shot to the finish. The requirement for an A was 12 minutes. Run. The thought echoed in my mind as I came around the bend. RUN. Soon I was kicking up dust as I sprinted down the path.

It was a marvelous few seconds. My feet pounding heavily on the ground, the wind rushing by me like a passing train, and the glorious shout of "12 minutes!" from Mrs. Johnson as I lept across the finish line. My throat was dry, my face drenched in sweat, but the amazing inner pride was beyond description. I did it... I thought, I DID IT!!! I started laughing.

I turned to Sarah. "I told you you could do it."
Sarah continued to pant, "Only because you practically dragged me the whole way!"
I smiled. A pure, sincere smile. I've done a lot of things in my life, but that was probably one of the most wonderful moments I've ever experienced.

I was later thinking about this experience, comparing it to life. I came across a challenge, but no matter how many cramps I got or how much I desired to quit, I kept going. I pushed past the trials and finally reached my final goal, bringing a friend with me to success. Maybe I should live all of life like this. It's definitely worth the feeling at the end.

Beautiful Inside and Out

I have a sister... her name is Kayla Rowberry.

She thinks little of herself. She thinks she's ugly and fat and worthless. Let me tell you what I KNOW about Kayla.....

Kayla thinks she was such a chubby and hideous child. The truth is that even as a young girl she had the most beautiful and sparkly blue eyes ever, and the greatest set of freckles dotting the tops of her cheeks and nose. (I mean, look at my freckles. They're all over the place and just make me look blotchy. :P)To this day she is fabulously gorgeous... I hope I can be at least half as beautiful as Kayla is when I grow up.

She is afraid to sing in front of people other than her family. But Kayla has one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard. When you hear her sing you get a warm and comfortable feeling. I'm jealous of her baby girl, who will hopefully get to hear perfect lullaby's at night before she falls asleep.

Kayla is so funny. Everything she says makes you smile, and you often find yourself from crying to stuck in a fit of giggling. She tells the most awesome stories. I miss hearing about the dramatics at her first few weeks of work. She has a special ability to make people feel better. Always.

She is so smart. She took honors classes in high school, and hasn't stopped pushing herself. She goes to school at BYU now and is working so hard. She is almost always at school or at work.

She is an amazing writer. When you read Kayla's writing, you can feel what she is writing. She turns the simple concept of words and sentances into something inspirational, pure and beautiful. (Along with additional humor on the side, of course.)

Kayla is so sweet. She sticks up for people she doesn't even know! I'm trying to be as considerate of other's feelings at she is.

Kayla, I want you to know that you are an amazing and strong woman. You have no idea how many people in this world look up to you, I know I do. You are such an example to me. When I'm twenty-one, I want to be like you. (Oh gosh, you're making me cry.) ...Never ever ever ever EVER doubt yourself. You are influential, determined, clever, and you, my dear, are beautiful inside and out.

I'm Still Leaping

Last night I had one of those dreams that seemed so real. When I woke up, I wondered if I was still dreaming. I guess that goes to show how thin the line is between reality and my dreams. The days when I'm depressed are the days my dreams go away. The happy days are when my dreams are all around me. The days when someone remembers my name, the days when he talks to me, the days when I get along with my younger brother. This is when I have hope for happiness, that everything will eventually turn out okay. "Real life" is so cruel and painful. I wish I could keep sleeping, in a world where everything happens the way I believe it should.

On one particularly dreamless day, I decided something. I wanted to try to talk to people. I started with my partner in Science class. We talked, soon became friends, and I learned how amazing this girl really is. Now I've been trying to talk more.

But the hardest person to start a conversation with, by far, has been him. We talk online all the time, but in person my sentances are often dishevled and odd. He and I were talking over the internet about being quiet. I said, "I'm almost always quiet. Every time I talk to you it's like a leap of faith."
His next words were, "Well I hope that I can catch you on your leap of faith." My heart fluttered.

The next day at school I thought of the perfect thing to say to him. I failed through History, English, and by the time lunch came I was about to explode with the perfect line..... "I'm leaping."
I even practiced. "I'm leaping... I AM leaping! I'M LEAPINGGG!!!" The line spun around in my head. The minute came when he was standing right behind me. "I'm...lehh--" My throat seemed to freeze up and my voice cracked pathetically. I half turned my head. My hand hovered to tap him... I erged to say my well-rehersed "I'm leaping" but my hand soon dropped limply back down and I just watched the back of his head, the words still swirling through my mind.

I later told him of my failed attempt of "I'm leaping" and he replied with "hahaha that would've been funny" I banged my head on the desk.
"I KNEW it was the perfect line!!!" I said to myeslf, feeling ashamed.

I'm still leaping.

Sitting Next to Him

School went mostly well. I wandered through my classes with him and many other friends. Fourth period I went to a meeting-type thing introducing the fine arts program. I had already been to it earlier in choir, but B4 I was a teacher aide for the art teacher.

I arrived in the room to find some people from different classes already there. I saw him sitting in the back of his group, no one talking with him or sitting by him. This is a golden opportunity to sit next to him, I thought, and threw myself on the ground next to him. We exchanged breif glances. It was quiet between us. I soon decided to say something, and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was rather shallow and dumb. He chuckled anyway, commented, and it was soon silent again.

Throughout the presentation I felt so strange sitting on the floor next to him like that. It wasn't assigned, I hadn't planned it ahead, I just sat down. I tried not to look at his face, seeing as it would be painfully obvious, so I looked to the carpet where lay my foot next to his. I studied the differences in our Converse distractedly. After a while the activity was over and I looked over at his face once again. I said something else rather pitiful and left the room.

I hope I'm not annoying.

Shout Outs

Well one of my school buddies asked when my next blog post would be. I said, "Well I wrote one yesterday and the day before that." Her reply was, "I already read those, I stalk your blog and I love it so much." I sat up a bit in my chair. Oh, well I'm deeply flattered, I thought. Thanks Katie Crawley for being a great blog stalker! And I have a few more shout outs to some of my other followers...

Thanks Rebekah Williams for attacking me at my locker! It surprised me but it made me feel so special and loved! Your blog is wonderful, and you are so creative and awesome!

And thank you to Mindy Ige, who I saw three times yesterday, and every time she's say, "Hello beautiful girl!" I love you so much and I love your hugs, they're the best ever!

Thank you Lindsey Francom for all of the thoughtful comments that are left on my silly posts! You give such great advice and I'm happy to have you as a Beehive leader!

Also thanks to Mom, Kayla, Amaya Bickmore, Claire Jenkins, Nicole Love, Aunt Jolene, Alissa Huntsman, and all of my other faithful readers! I love you guys!

Second Day of School!!!

Being a B day, I knew it was going to be amazing the second I walked in the doors. I put away my backpack and once the bell rang I walk briskly down the halls to History.

Jordyn and I walked in and I sat down. I turned around and-- "AHH! IT'S _____!"
Jordyn giggled at me with her usual line of "Oh my gosh Tessa you're so obsessed."
We were seated in our new seating chart where I was relatively close to him. After class I stopped him just outside the door.
"Hey _____, is it okay if Ansalee and I come sit with you at lunch?"
"Yeah I don't know where I'm sitting yet, though."
"We'll find you."
"Yeah that'd be great."

I walked off to Treble Trios (my advanced girls choir class) feeling proud of myself. I did it, I thought, I talked to him without prompting!
I arrived in class and was quickly greeted by Ansalee, Ally, Jordyn, Sarah, Claire, Rebekah, Amaya, and a lot of others. I know a billion people in choir!
Apparently I was assigned to be a second alto, the lowest part. I can't even sing that low! I thought I was going to be in the middle, but I guess not...
We sat in our seats and soon I felt fingers running through my hair. I took no thought of it, I'm used to people playing with my hair. But after a few minutes the girl said, "I hope you're Shelisa."
I tilted my head back, "Nope."
"Ahh! I'm so sorry! I thought you were someone else!" She then stopped touching my hair.

Next period was English. This used to be my favorite class last year. I walked in and found my assigned seat. He was sitting up in the corner in the front two rows away from me. At least we weren't accross the classroom like last year. The period went by slowly and rather quietly. Finally the bell rang and we went to lunch.

I first went to the bathroom, and then I had to go get my lunch from my locker. There's this thing called the "blue line" that you aren't allowed to pass during lunchtime. ...Eighth grade lockers are behind the blue line. I went up to the lady, "Uhh... can I go to my locker?"
"NO, I GAVE YOU GUYS LIKE SEVEN MINUTES TO PUT AWAY YOUR BOOKS."
I walked off shyly. When I arrived near the lunchroom, Ansalee asked, "Where's your lunch??"
"In my locker... past the blue line."
"Well did you tell her your lunch was in your locker? You need a lunch!"
"No, it's okay, I'm fine."
"We're going back over there." She dragged me over to the lady. "She needs her lunch."
The woman looked at us. "I thought she was putting away her books."
Ansalee almost scolded the evil lady. "She needs her lunch and to put away her books."
So I went to my locker and did my stuff before hurrying away from the evil lady so she couldn't glare at me.

We walked into the lunchroom. It was crouded with people. Ansalee said to me, "Well, I guess you should find him."
I was slightly confused, "Well you know what he looks like, too."
"Yes, but you've trained your eyes to see him anywhere."
"I do not-- Oh look, there he is!!!"
We strolled over to his table and sat down. I was happy to be there. I smiled at the boys and Jordyn, Ansalee, and I sat down accross the table. We ate our food but Jordyn took like three years to eat and by the time she was finished he and the boys had left, along with half of the lunchroom.

Next period was Teacher Aide. I chose to aide the art teacher, Ms. Wilhelm. I walked in her classroom. "Hey Tess, how are ya doing?" Ms. Wilhelm smiled at me and guided me to the beck of the class where I had the "Labby Corner" that had a big comfy chair if I wanted to hang out back there. I did for a while before ditching my fluffy chair to sit by my friend Claire.

I got out of class and was at my locker when I heard a voice behind my shoulder. It scared my for a moment before I realized it was Rebekah! I love that girl! She talked to me for a little while and soon I was out of the doors of Canyon View, looking forward to some more amazing B days.