I haven't really felt like blogging lately because I knew I couldn't keep myself from saying something really stupid. This post may be really dumb anyway. But if it is, don't tell me.
The past few weeks I've felt like Friend #2. My group of friends have parties without me and post the pictures all over Facebook. When my friend's apartment set on fire a few weeks ago and she came to sleep at my house, she admitted if Ally had been home she would be at her house instead of mine. I don't know, little things like this have been happening everywhere I go. I feel like the friend people only talk to when the rest of their friends are busy. Like they're all thinking, "If absolutely nothing else... there's Tessa."
This guy from school liked me ever since 7th grade and it wasn't until recently I finally started softening up to him. On Thursday at my friend's house she was talking to him on the phone. I was in the other room and the phone wasn't on speaker, but I could still hear everything they said. She was teasing him and quizzing him on his crushes. "Would you ever marry ********?" she asked him.
"Yes," He said.
"Would you ever marry Tessa?"
I stood around the corner, perfectly still, making sure I could hear every word. After they switched subjects I walked back into the room and lay down on the couch. I don't care, I said in my head, his opinion of me doesn't mean anything. But when the gorgeous girl he DOES like showed up at the door, I felt a little different. "Hey Tessa," she said as she walked in. I didn't reply. I didn't feel like talking ever again.
"Are you okay?" both of my friends asked in unison as they hung up the phone.
I shook my head, but I didn't want to explain. I didn't want to marry him in the first place, it's kind of obvious I wouldn't, but I felt like Friend #2 more than ever before. Like I would never be important enough to anyone to ever be their #1. The more I thought about it the more I felt like crying. I pulled a pillow over my face as quietly sobbed, two hot tears sliding down onto the couch. They sat by me the entire time.
When he texted me and asked what was wrong, the sadness melted away and all I felt was anger. I told him I heard everything and that I didn't want to talk to him at all. That was pretty much the end of our conversation.
Last night Kayla and I went to Guru's restaurant in Provo to see Allred perform. Before we left we did each other's hair and make-up. I told her my story and how I felt about everything that had been going on. "You're my #1," she said with a smile. I couldn't have been more grateful to have the most amazing sister in the world at that moment.
She's MY Friend #1.
Monday, January 2, 2012
I had one friend that I had throughout my entire childhood. I've been invited to every birthday party she's ever had, and the same the other way around. Until now, I guess, because I'm pretty sure she didn't skip out on a Sweet 16. The party isn't even important, it just makes me wonder what it all means...