The start of the weekend wasn't easy. Everyone at home was stressed out for different reasons so I slept over with my two best friends, Ally and Sam. We lay sprawled across Ally's bed, playing the whole "I don't know, what do you want to do?" game. My mind wasn't really up to it. I felt distracted and secluded. Of course Sam noticed something was wrong. (How does she always do that??) I insisted I was completely fine, just thinking. It was a lie. I didn't feel fine at all. I just didn't want to talk about it. Finally, after they badgered me for like 5246831 hours, I agreed I would text them, because my body and mind were really not up to talking about it. I then sent 7 messages worth of a bit of an explanation.
A small part of it said, "I hate talking about it. I hate how depressed I get. I get sick of the same people telling me the same things that don't mean anything. It's all "you're amazing Tessa" when they're really thinking, "wowww she just needs to chill out". No one understands. They just pretend to. I'm tired. Tired of pretending."
I refused to cry. So I lay stiffly and stubbornly on the bed. They read the message without a word. They knew there was nothing they could do to cheer me up. As the evening progressed I got over my troubles and went to sleep at about 2:00 in the morning.
I got home Saturday mid morning, my mind, once again, disturbed by unwelcome thoughts. I stared in the mirror as I threw my sloppy ponytail up and the words kept coming back to me. You should talk to Kayla. I rustled through my pocket and just as I was holding my phone to call/text my big sis, it jingled. "Kayla Rowberry: What are you up to today?" I grinned an enormous grin that spread across my face. We walked to Macey's together in the hot sun to get excersize, eat ice cream, and get "tan like black men". When we got home we sat under a shade tree, getting eaten by bugs and telling deep dark secrets. We went inside and watched silly YouTube videos and ate waffles. It was a great day that really lifted my spirits.
I vented and told her things I hardly tell anyone. I knew I could trust her and she related to everything I said. I thought back to the night before. No one understands, I had thought. But Saturday I was reminded there's someone who always does. I was afraid I would lose that, but now I know I never will.
4 weeks ago