The beginning of January was better than ever. Everything fell into place, but everything took a sudden turn in the middle of the month.
Something was stuck. I wasn't even sure what it was, but it was there. I just needed to cry.
For days there were no tears, no red cheeks, but just that sick and empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried everything. I looked through my old journal entries about my former love, layed on my bed and stared up at the ceiling for a while, and even watched the movie "Charly" about four times. (For those of you who haven't seen it, it makes me cry every time I watch it.) Nothing worked.
Finally after a week of that feeling I watched "Marley and Me" Sunday morning. Let me tell you, I cried my eyes out. Not just wet eyes, but full on tears all over the place. You'd think I'd be sad after watching such a depressing movie, but I felt great! Relieved from what I carried throughout the entire week, I walked tall for the next few days.
But the rollercoaster dipped back down and today was not ideal. I failed my Geometry assignment because I didn't show my work, I was dead tired, and my Science teacher totally chewed me out for bringing my packet home to finish something I thought was due today.
I got home and decided to take some pictures in the backyard to relieve some stress.
I really miss that dog.
I just keep telling myself how wonderful the weekend is going to be... It's all going to be okay. And it's true. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. Now I'm just trying to take this week one step at a time.
I discovered my in last post that people read my blog I didn't even know knew my blog exsisted. But I guess you learn something new every day, right?
So one boring evening Braden and I were drawing pictures on my whiteboard and he decided to draw a lovely portrait of me. Here's what he drew.
Glasses? I'm not even sure. But my teeth are really acurate, right down to my crooked jaw.
Well after a few minutes I decided to re-draw my self-portrait.
It turned out pretty inspiring.
(And to any of you who are concerned about my drawing skills, I drew it like that on purpose.)
And that's pretty much what a I looked like today, except with my hair pulled back in a high ponytail. And for some reason I got to school and was showered with compliments. I wondered, Why in the world am I getting the more compliments on an ugly day than when I take forever to look nice?
Then I thought about something.
And I realized that those comments from my amazing friends came on just the day I needed them, a day I was feeling down and insecure. I'm so grateful for those people who are always there to lift me up.
Everyone has different ideas on strength. Maybe strength is lifting one hundred pound weights, going to work every day, or maybe even just letting go of your past.
Strength is not a set standard, and is not defined by the opinions of others. True strength, I believe, is doing what you know is right even when it's painful or hard. Strength is pushing yourself to do something you never thought you could do. It's loving your enemies, smiling when you need to cry, and pushing past human nature to be the best you can be.
I'm not going to tell you exactly what strength is. After all, for everyone it's different. But when the situation comes, strength is there. We just have to learn to be strong.
"What are you doing for New Years?"
I thought about this. "I don't know," I replied. What am I doing for New Years? I wondered to myself. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but apparently the world had plans for me I didn't even know about.
The adventure started at the Texas Roadhouse restaurant. We called before hand and had an assigned time of 6:00. When we actually arrived, the crowd told a different story. It turned out we had to wait about forty five minutes before we actually got a seat. During that time my mom held me uncomfortably close to her so I wouldn't be run over by a stampede of hungry people. That part was painful, but once we ate the food we felt it was worth it.
On the way home from the restaurant I was dropped off at my friend's house. Within the first half hour I was there my her little sister ran off with my camera and wouldn't give it back. When I finally got it back I refused to give it to her so she followed me around with Bambi eyes trying to snatch it from my pocket.
We listened to music and goofed of the rest of the evening. When it was almost midnight we turned on the T.V. to see the ball drop. By the time we got to the channel it was over and we all awkwardly looked around at each other for a moment before I said quietly, "Uhh well, happy new year...!" My friend and I hugged and jokingly congradulated each other on surviving another year.
I heard another voice, "Can I have a hug, Tessa?" I looked down at my friend's brother (one year younger than me) sitting slumped in a chair below me.
"I guess, but it's a little hard when you're sitting in a chair." He stood up immediately and held his arms out. I briefly hugged him and was pulling away but he didn't let go. The level of awkwardness skyrocketed. I finally managed to pry away from him without being rude. He smiled shyly as his father entered the room with the rest of the family.
We all gathered in the kitchen and toasted to the new year with our sparkling apple juice. At 12:30 my friend and I both went to my house for a sleepover. We then stayed up until 2:00 in the morning talking.
I woke up in the morning with a terrible feeling. I realized I didn't know where my camera was. I had brought my old one to the party in case anything happened to it, and the last time I had held my new camera was in the office uploading pictures to the computer. It HAD to be in the house.
I was back on the search. I cleaned every room I walked into, organizing and looking through every little nook and cranny from the bathroom counter to the corner behind the door. I never found it. Is this really happened all over again??? I thought with furrowed eyebrows. After searching for hours I stood in my kitchen for a moment about to either burst out crying or hit something. But I simply stood there, and after taking a break from my search calmed down and attempted to enjoy the rest of my day.
"I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich." --Dan Wilcox
"Truely great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."
"We are supposed to be happy, 'for men are that they might have joy.'"
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams-- this may be madness; to see treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all-- to see life as it is and not what it should be."