Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Is Silence Really Golden?

I'm so confused. It's important to be honest, but if you have something rude to say, just don't say it. I know all of that. But if someone has been a total annoying and rude jerk to you and they ask you how you really feel about them, what are you supposed to do?! Are you supposed to stay quiet and just let them bother you for the rest of your life, or do you explain in the nicest way possible that they've hurt your feelings and you don't really want to be around them that much anymore? It's questions like this that get my brain churning and twisting trying to piece it all together.
I recently made the choice to tell a person that they hurt me and I hadn't completely gotten over it yet even though they thought I had. My week's been crazy.

Other than that, the sun is shining and I can't wait for eighth grade to start, for Teric to get back from his vacation in Israel, for my new comforter, hopefully some babysitting jobs so I can earn some money, to go swimming in my new swimsuit, and a lot of other things. I guess I have a lot to look forward to... I see a bright future at the end of this summer. :))

Saturday, June 26, 2010


It seems everyone expresses their anger differently. Some people get quiet, some people hit things, some people yell. I go somewhere where no one will bug me and I cry. What is it about crying that is so relieving? I'm not sure if I'll ever understand my tender heart, but there's my problem.

Angry people frustrate me. I get angry when another's anger is affecting me in an unpleasant way. One type of anger I've experienced from someone was outward anger. Some people, when feeling upset, do everything they would have done in the first place... but with an unsettling attitude. One that makes you feel upset yourself. One that makes you feel like you aren't good enough.

Now, I don't just break out crying every time I get angry. Every frustration I hold in and keep until one thing won't fit in the system and it sets me off. Then the tears start flowing and no one knows what is wrong with me.

I was wandering the house working on my Saturday chores when I had a fit of crying and my mother asked me what was wrong. I let everything that was bothering me flow out of my mouth, whether it was needed to be said or not. I feel bad for hurting her this way. Soon the both of us were crying, hugging and begging forgiveness.

My gut hasn't felt right since then.

I don't want to feel selfish and ungrateful, but I do. I feel like my mother doesn't receive enough credit for all of the things she does for my family, our friends, and our ward.

I love you, Mom, and I hope you'll forgive me for being a teenager.

Monday, June 21, 2010

A Compliment, J-walking, and a Lot of Heat.

Of course, I went on a walk today. I walked to Canyon View. I really need to be less schoolsick and enjoy my free time. I knew I wouldn't see anyone there, but something inside me wanted me to go.
On my way there I was walking along the swerving road behind Timpanogas High School, and I decided to cross the road. No, I wasn't on a crosswalk, but there were no cars. I made it halfway across and then a car started coming quickly. I stood in the middle lane between the yellow lines, the hairs on my arms standing up. The woman in the car saw me. She stopped. I was rather puzzled by this, considering I was not really supposed to be there in the middle of the road in the first place. But she waved and smiled, and I walked across in front of her. She was still smiling and her son gave me a "sup" nod. I smiled back at them, waved, and continued down the sidewalk gratefully.
It wasn't long before I reached an intersection on a busier road where I pressed the crosswalk button and waited on the corner for the signal. Three girls rounded the corner. I'd seen them before, but was sure they had no idea who I was. The middle girl surveyed me up and down before saying, "You look pretty." I blushed and my voice died. I mumbled, "Thanks!" feeling rather giddy by this unexpected compliment. Me, pretty? I thought. But I couldn't help but grin.
I reached 600 East [otherwise known as Falcon Way] and started my stroll down the street. The sun beat down on my head, making my hair feel hot. I sat down on the hill in front of the side of the school. The familiar trees comforted me and I felt like I was at my second home. I desired to walk in those doors, open my locker, write notes to Ansalee, and sit in Advanced English while staring dreamily at Teric. All of the memories felt so distant, so out-of-reach. I thought and thought until I stood up from the quiet hill and started my long journey back home.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

A Walk in the Park

Sorry to bore you with all of this walking, but today I went on yet another walk to the Windsor Elementary School playground to take pictures out in the sun.
It soon started to get very hot outside in the bajillion degree weather, so I hid in the plastic tube.
The tube was nice for cooling off, laying down, taking stalker pictures of random people at the park...
And of course, it's a great place to carve mushy things that pop into your head. I found this:
Uhh... I "heart" my pudden, too, hon.
Though, I'm not as big of a fan of Craig, whoever he is.

I hung out in the tube for a while longer, but I think the darkness was starting to get to me.
I look so... sinister.

I got out of the tube and into the lovely, beautiful, [but mostly HOT] weather.
But my eyes started to water, so I took my gaze away from the blazing sun.
On the way home I fought the many perils of Orem. Such as,
dead grass.
And dumpsters.

It was pretty intense.

Song Obsession

This song is AMAZING!!! I've listened to it a ridiculous amout of times this past week. It is such a good song and make me think of my closest friends.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn,
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them,
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true,
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you,
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part,
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.
--"For Good" from Wicked

Sleep Deprivation

I guess there are life lessons in everything we do, right? Well, this week I learned that I go a bit crazy if I don't sleep for two weeks in a row.

When I'm worried or upset about something I can't sleep well at night. I've been quite upset. Tuesday I broke down and cried. I needed someone to talk to. I wanted school to start again so I could have the company of friends, people who understand how I'm feeling. But there was no one there to give me their shoulder. I just smeared mascara all over my pillow by myself.

Also, the fact that I've been staying up past midnight most every night has helped that, too. And that my family eats breakfast together early in the morning and we don't sleep in.

Though, the point is, I'm tired.

And hyper.

So, my sister, Kayla, and my best friend, Laura, and I decided to have a "girl date." First, we went and bought a 5 buck pizza and had a picnic in the park. We were pleasured in listening to a tone-deaf jogger run around the track singing. We hung out in the grass until we left for Macey's grocery store to buy some more junk food.
We approached the Deli section where you can get ice cream cones. Kayla and I ordered mediums and Laura got a large. The guy at the counter was lacking in cone skills and all of our ice cream cones were lopsided and leaned over to one side. We walked around the store, licking our ice cream happily. Finally we each bought a soda and left the store.
We sang heartily in the car while driving to Windsor Elementary. Kayla led the way to the playground where we swung on the swings and gulped our soda. We got really hyper and told each other funny stories of things that happened during school. Then Kayla got a genius idea. "I'm going to go tan my legs." She layed down on the slide and pulled up her pant leg. Her leg shone fluorescent white and Laura and I shielded our eyes from the extreme brightness. She looked at us, "See, my legs are so tan... I pretty much look like a black man." One more glance at her pale legs and we burst out laughing. We joked around and "played" on the playground the rest of the afternoon.

The rest of the week I was giddy and unusually happy. I jumped out at people and exclaimed random things to my family members. They were starting to get annoyed with me, seeing as none of them were in such a mood.

Friday night came. On this night I was having a slumber party at Ally's house for her birthday party. At 9:00 all nine of us girls piled into the car to go see Toy Story 3. We decided to be illegal and put two girls in the trunk, three in the back seats, and sandwiched four girls in the middle seats. It was supposed to take about 20 minutes to get to the theater, but we got stuck in traffic. CRAZY traffic. Instead it took us an HOUR and thirty minutes to get there.
Being stuck [rather tightly] in a car, we tried to come up with entertaining things to do. We played random games and had random conversations. I was talking to my friend Ale for a while. At one point she said something I mistook for "You're such a bacon." I still don't even know what she said, but we used that the rest of the night. "Sami, you're a bacon." "Ohh... I am?"
After the movie we drove back home and tried not to fall asleep in the car. We arrived at Ally's house and set up our bedding in the floor of her theater room.
We all were side by side in a huge pile of blankets, floor padding, and teenage girls. We laughed, ate M&Ms, called each other "bacons," and played Truth or Dare until it was 4:00 in the morning and we were all dieing of tiredness.
Finally we all huddled under our blankets and fell asleep. Well, almost. I was the last one to fall asleep. I lay in my huge blanket, thinking. my hand rested near my face and almost up against my chest. Suddenly I felt something. One of the girls, Lexi, was leaning down from her pile of padding and was pressing her HEAD down in my hand. What in the world is she doing?!? I thought as i attempted to pull out my hand from under her head. I tugged at my arm, but her skull held firmly down. I poked her head. Nothing happened. After what seemed like a really long time, Lexi turned around and repositioned herself on the other side of her padding. Sleeping people are weird.

Friday, June 11, 2010

SuMmEr FeSt ! ! !

Ally and I woke up from our sleepover with an idea. We were SO going to Summer Fest!
We got dressed, did our makeup and hair, and left in the car with Ally's mom and three brothers. The festivities didn't start until 2:00, so we stopped at a shaved ice shack to get a treat. Blue Raspberry is the best flavor in the world, but it sure makes you blue. Literally. I wiped and wiped my lips but the blue would not come off without a fight. We decided to stop at Ally's house before going to the carnival. I ran into her bathroom and rubbed more at my lips and teeth with water. I absolutely COULD NOT go into public with blue lips. Finally, after a ridiculous amount of scrubbing, I removed all artificial color from my mouth.

We arrived at the Orem City Park. We were greeted rather loudly by this weirdo clown who was chilling in a booth waiting for someone to dunk him in the water. No one wanted to get near him because he was so disturbing and obnoxious. He made fun of anyone who walked by and after every 'joke' he would break into a fit of terrible laughter. He has THE CREEPIEST laugh EVER. "Haw ha hah haw hak!!" Eww. **shudder**

We stood in line to get our tickets. When we got to the front the lady who did the tickets was kind of scary looking. She was most likely a smoker, cuz' she was really... sad looking. We each got ten tickets and headed off for the rides. The first ride we went on was the "Star Trooper." On this ride you sit on a super fat swing and it rotates around the center so fast that you stick beyond horizontally out of the middle. That thing was so fast... every muscle in my body tightened to the point I couldn't move AT ALL. Ally and I screamed enthusiastically as it spun around. Once the ride spun forward a bajillion times it spun backwards. It messed up our hair quite a bit. Well... we pretty much looked like hobos.

The next ride we went on was called the "Gravitron." In this ride you stepped inside a large room shaped like a diamond. You leaned back against the walls and the room spun. It spun so crazily that it lifted you off the ground and pressed you to the padded walls of the room. It felt like you were being squished against the walls by heavy trucks or something. Although very uncomfortable, it felt like you were on laughing gas. With my arms pinned firmly to my sides, Ally and I laughed our hearts out. I'm still not even sure what was funny. The ride finally ended and everyone fell to the ground, shaking from dizziness. We walked out of the room and immediately looked at each other, "LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!!" The next minute we were back in the large room full of crazy laughing people.

After using all of our tickets on spinny rides, we stumbled accross the feild to the bathroom for a rest stop. **GRUMBLE... flash of bright light** Rainstorm. You got that right. June 11... RAIN! What is this!?!?!?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


It's HOT, I thought Tuesday afternoon as I lay sprawled pathetically over the family room couch, I think I'll go get a drink. I shuffled slowly up the stairs and heard voices from outside. I quieted my footsteps, Who's out there? The voices were talking about someone in my family... the voices were talking about me. And it wasn't "Tessa is amazing," either. The back door opened and the owner of the voice stepped halfway in the house. I casually walked over to the fridge, sipped some water, and left the room quickly.
Why would they say that? I sat down on the living room rocking chair, staring out the window onto the street of our calm cul-de-sac. Everyone thinks she's so much better than me, even she does, I thought, ...but she is. I felt broken, alone. I wanted to get out. I opened the front door with it's eerie creak and threw myself down on the grass. I'm not just inferior to her, I'm myself. I'm me. I'm Tessa. I tried to convince myself that my thoughts were true, but doubt continuously crossed over my mind.
I needed to escape.
I left the yard. I felt like running. I wanted to scream.
But I walked off calmly.
I walked around Timpanogas High School. The quiet, winding roads around the back are a perfect place for thinking.
I soaked in what had happened and let it all settle deep inside me. My eyebrows drew together in a concerned expression. Calm down, Tessa. I let the muscles of my face lay free. The returned to their original positions seconds later. Relax. The word echoed in my mind. Over and over. Relax, relax, relax. Everything would be fine. I loosened my brow once again. Relax.
I sat down on the bleachers. My eyes watered, but I wouldn't let the tears fall.
I stayed at the school for a long time. I didn't want my family to be the victims of my frustration. When I thought I could handle returning home, I started my slow trudge back. All I ever wanted was to be beautiful, to be loved by those around me. I became conscious of my face again. This time I ignored it.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

First Week of Summer

Summer is here! Bring on the heat!!!

The first two days of summer was frustrating and ugly. I wasn't looking forward to being separated from my school friends for three hot, boring months. I mostly lounged around the house, feeling sorry for myself. Pathetic, I know.

Wednesday I hung out with my friends and went to mutual. I got home and went to bed at nine-ish so I could get up the next morning.

My brother came in at 5:55 a.m. "TESSA!!! Wake up!!!!!!!!"
"Bahh! Go away!!! I still have five minutes to sleep!"
"GET UP!!!!!!!!!"
Gee, no appreciation. Some people.
Anyway I arose from my bed and started to dress and clean up. I put on my make up, flat-ironed my hair and threw on my butterfly skirt and a bright pink shirt. When I walked upstairs, my mom had to remind me that we were going to a funeral..... I changed into black.
We piled into the car with a portable DVD player, iPods, books, sketchpads, and other sources of entertainment for our 2.5 hour drive to Orangeville, Utah.
Well, we drove and drove and drove and drove and drove until we finally arrived at the chapel for the viewing. We entered the Relief Society room and strolled over to the coffin.
He didn't look like himself.
Though, I guess he wasn't even technically there, he was reuniting with my grandpa and other people up in a much happier place than here.
But the tears still came.
My mom and I sat down and cried together... Thankfully she brought a boatload of tissues in her little purse. (How in the world does that thing hold so much stuff?!?)
We attended the funeral and the lunch and were soon back in the car on our way home.

--a few hours later--

That night I had a sleepover at my friend Ally's house. Her parents have a jet-bathtub and we decided to put on our swimsuits and soak. For some reason we thought it was a good idea to put BUBBLE BATH in it. I remind you, this bathtub has JETS. We cranked up the jets and relaxed as the bubbles got higher and higher. Pretty soon the bubbles were overflowing out of the tub and onto the floor. We were completely buried in bubbles from our messy hair down to our newly painted toenails.We laughed so hard we started crying and our stomachs hurt really badly. Finally we turned off the jets and tried to smash the bubbles a bit. Every time we whacked them they hopped out of the tub and all over the sink/mirror/toilet/floor. After a while of wetness, laughing, and sweet pea-scented bubble bath, we drained the tub and dried off.
What a night.

The next day I woke up, ate breakfast, and left her house. There was a Summer Jazz Camp concert at 11:30 that day. Guess who was in it? Yeah, you probably guessed him.
I approached my mom, wearing my best puppy eyes and said, "MOM you need to drive me to Canyon View so I can see Madi's concert!!!" (Madi being one of my ward friends who also happened to be in the concert.) The next minute we were in the car. Mom looked over at me. "You're going for ____."
I smiled sweetly. "Madi's in it, too.....!"
"I can see right through you," Mom replied, "That street sign behind you..." I turned to look at it. "I can see it," she finished. We laughed loudly together and she teased me the rest of the way to the school.
I entered the auditorium. There he was, looking perfect behind his drum set at the back of the stage. I've missed you, I thought. I sat down right in the middle of the auditorium. My friend Sami Herrera caught sight of me and mouthed, "What are you doing here?" I jerked my head in his direction and she looked at him and back at me and mouthed again from the stage, "For him?" I nodded and smiled innocently. She giggled silently and I chuckled to myself. I looked back over at him and noticed that some other friends were sitting in the first row right in front of him. When they assumed their positions, it just so happened someone's head was blocking my view of him!  Grrrrr, I thought to myself.
The music started and I could feel the beat inside me, absorbed in the sound of the drums. Drum players rock. 
Once the concert ended I left the auditorium and shuffled into the hall to wait for him or Madi to come out of the band room. I waited and waited. I'm going to talk to him,  I thought, I have to. I leaned against the cold lockers, already missing school. I stared down the band hall. There was a whoosh behind me and he walked past me and down the hallway. I missed it!!! I yelled in my brain. Ugh. I wanted to whack myself.
Just when I was about to start walking home, Madi emerged from the hall. She stared at me for several long seconds and said, "I'm not surprised." before letting out a hearty laugh. She knows who I like and is quite amused by my "obsessiveness"
"Surprise..." I half-mumbled.
Madi's mom said to me, "Do you have any friends you want to congratulate before we give you a ride home?"
An evil grin crept up Madi's face, "Yes! C'mon Tessa let's go find _____." I dug my heels into the ground but Madi took my arm and dragged me into the band room. We searched every corner of the room with no sight of him. I was disappointed but relieved all at once.

We spent time at her house and I sketched out my painting of a giraffe as Madi drew her raccoons. We painted and drew for hours until I had to return home.

Today, Saturday, is my half birthday. Mom and Dad went down to a meeting on southern Utah. My sister and little brother took off to play Pokemon in Salt Lake City and left me a mini bottle of grape juice. I had a cleaning-the-bathroom party and drank my half birthday grape juice alone in my quiet house.

One week down, eleven more to go.