The End of Another Year

Last year around this time I was excited for 2010 to be over. I was happy to be leaving behind crummy memories of heartbreak and drama and loneliness that no one wanted to talk about even when I needed to talk. I knew the next year would be different, as they all are. For better or worse... and hoping for better... I was ready for it.

This year I feel different. Like I haven't really accomplished anything. (Except get fatter. Which isn't actually an accomplishment at all.) It frustrates me. I'm not ready for the new year this year. I feel like I've procrastinated and need some sort of due date to be extended so I can do something important before the year's over. When I actually look back, a lot of good things have happened this year. So why do I feel so empty?

.

Crazy

The past few weeks before Christmas break I went crazy. Literally.
There was this guy. We were always just friends but one particularly lonely day I decided I had feelings for him. Then the next day he was just a friend. Then the next day I had feelings for him again. The pattern continued for probably 2 weeks, confusing my poor small brain more than it could stand. At a sleepover at Ally's a few days ago I texted him and told him I kind of liked him. I went on this whole dramatic tangent and felt good that he finally knew. But what do you know? It's Christmas Eve, and he's right back to friend status.
I sent him the most awkward email in the world saying so.

What is wrong with me?

Those Little Things I'll Never Say

There are some people that should NEVER know what I think about them. But others... I kind of wish I could tell them but know it would be the most humiliating thing I could ever do. I tell myself that on the last day of school I can just go ahead and tell them, considering I'll never see them again. But what if I do see them again? It's all so complicated.

The Prayer

I couldn't believe what was happening. I figured I'd make up my F before term ended, but it never occurred to me that the F could keep me from going on the Salt Lake Tour with Footnotes. On the ride home on Wednesday I ranted about it to my carpool, telling them all about my plan to fix my grades after school. My mom was really ashamed of me and dropped me off at home to work on it while she went Christmas shopping. As I sat down in the office chair in front of my stacks of paper I broke down in hysterical sobs. I felt like my life was worth nothing and not worth living anymore.
Later that evening I had a choir concert at the school. During our second concert we sang Prayer of the Children. The lyrics say:
"Can you hear the prayer of the children,
On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room?
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry,
Turning heavenward toward the light.
Cryin' who will help me to see the morning light of one more day?
But if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take.
Can you feel the hearts of the children,
Aching for home, for something of their very own?
Reaching hands with nothing to hold on to,
But hope for a better day, a better day.
Cryin' who will help me to feel the love again in my own land?
But if unknown roads lead away from home,
Give me loving arms, away from harm.
Can you hear the voice of the children,
Softly pleading for silence in their shattered world?
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
Blood of the innocent on their hands.
Cryin' Jesus help me to feel the sun again upon my face.
For when darkness clears, I know you're near,
Bringing peace again.
Can you hear the prayer of the children?"

My eyes again filled with tears and the words of the song all of the sudden meant so much more. I really needed a reminder of my everlasting friendship with the Savior that day.
And after hard work and fervent prayers, I'll be going to Salt Lake City tomorrow.

Grudge

I've become acquainted with a grudge lately, and it won't leave me alone. I obtained it through someone I loved for reasons I can't even seem to remember anymore.
After all he did, I told myself I forgave him. And with him not involved in my life anymore, it was easy. But this year he seems to show up everywhere, and every time I see him it's a reminder that deep down I never forgave him. That deep down I don't even tolerate him, I hate him. I hate seeing him. I can't even say his name because of the sour taste it puts in my mouth.

I know I need to forgive him, but a little piece of me keeps telling me he doesn't deserve it.