Girls Camp

I recently got back from girls camp. I am now sunburned, bug bitten, scratched, splintered, and peeling, but I can honestly say it was worth it. My testimony grew every day that I was there and I had a lot of fun in between the hikes. I had a rough time when my eye infection came back, but there was so much support around me and I stayed at camp.

I have so much love for all of those amazing girls and leaders. We really bonded and I feel like they are all my sisters. To any of them are reading this: Thank you so much! Seeing you guys smile just makes my life and I thrive off of your testimonies. I got to know a lot of you so much better and I wish all of us could go boating more often! Thanks leaders for everything that you do and for being our friends.

Much love. 

Faded By Time

A few days ago one of my best friends took me swimming at the Scera pool. We were having normal girl talk and ended up counting all of the crushes we've ever had in our lives. (I've had 20, in case you were curious.) Once I finished my long list, I realized that I forgot to count one of them. And of course the one I forgot was the biggest crush I'd ever had and my first big heartbreak. I was shocked that I hadn't even thought of it. I thought I would never forget all that happened during that time, but now it seems like a million years ago on a different planet.
Then I thought about my most recent drama and how I lost most of my closest jr. high friends. And for the first time I realized that I'm not scarred for life, and I WILL be happy again. Not long in the future, the heartache I feel now will be nothing but a distant memory, so faded by time it won't even seem real. I'm happy for that.

Melted Armor

Sometimes I pretend to be the tough girl and listen to songs that say "I don't miss you" and "I'm better off without you". I've been pretending for almost two weeks now to be strong. Maybe it's my armor. It hides what's inside me.
I lost my armor at Young Women yesterday. I went into the mountains armed with invisible iron and masked by black sunglasses. But less than halfway up the trail I already felt like giving up. I didn't say anything to anyone and hoped they wouldn't notice the sweat dripping down my face and neck. Only two people trudged along behind me, my friends 50 feet ahead of me. I watched them talk as they strolled so easily uphill. With the physical exhaustion came feelings of pure despair. We never stopped for a break. The mountain was steep and my feet and legs ached and shook from the strain of walking. The sun was hot and my armor melted off onto the dirt path.
We finally stopped after five miles. I sat down on a log and almost started sobbing. My hair was wet and my pink streak dripped tiny drops of pink dye onto my back. My glasses were soaked with sweat, fogged up, and making my face even hotter than it was. I slowly removed them and looked around before attempting to massage my calves back to life. I felt like everyone was looking at me, my mind so uncomfortably exposed. I tried so hard to be strong for so long, but now they saw the real me. The weakness I've felt for these long weeks. I was too ashamed to speak.
They tried to get me in the group picture, but I never wanted to see myself that humiliated again.

Remembrance

Cold in the earth -- and the deep snow piled above thee,
Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,
Severed at last by Time's all-severing wave?


Remembrance by Emily Bronte, one of my favorite poems, was stuck on my mind. I layed in the dark. I was sleeping in the recliner because I toss and turn too much sleeping in my bed and it had been irritating my eye infection.


Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
Over the mountains, on that northern shore,
Resting their wings where heath and fern leaves cover
Thy noble heart forever, ever more?


Cold in the earth -- and fifteen wild Decembers,
From those brown hills, have melted into spring;
Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers
After such years of change and suffering!


I looked around at the little colored lights on the Blu-Ray player and the speakers. The house was quiet except for the occasional crackles of the ice maker and tik-toks of the clock. It felt strange not to be in my bed. The silence echoed in the big empty space. The colored lights became eerie. I covered my head with the blanket.


Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
While the world's tide is bearing me along;
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!


No later light has lightened up my heaven, 
No second morn has ever shone for me;
All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,
All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.


I checked my phone. It was late, but I was still disappointed to have no messages. He and I used to talk almost every night. I figured there was no point in dwelling on my thoughts of him. After all, I'm the one who officially ended our friendship.


But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,
And even Despair was powerless to destroy,
Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.


Then did I check the tears of useless passion --
Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;
Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
Down to that tomb already more than mine.


I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. I had a dream I've had before. The dream about change. I woke up every few hours, the poem by Emily Bronte still swirling through my head.


And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,
Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
How could I seek the empty world again?

The Summer of H-E-Double Toothpick

(Warning: if you are not prepared for whine session, please stop reading this now. Thank you.)

I think I set my expectations for this summer WAYYY too high. I thought it was going to be this amazing life-changing experience and I would go into tenth grade the happiest person alive. Well to put it nicely... the past few months have been rough. The very first day of summer Mom got a surgery that had her on oxygen for at least a week and crazy medications for several weeks. The third week of June I got an infected hair follicle  that swelled up to incredible size and was very painful. Then the start of July I lost 3 of my best friends and went through the closest thing to a breakup you can have without actually having a boyfriend. Soon after that I realized that ever since school ended I only have like 4 friends. Then I pretty much went into a depressive state and haven't done anything for a week and a half. Meanwhile, due to all of the mental stress, I now have an infected gland on my eyelid called a 'stye' which is extremely painful and I'm not allowed to wear any make-up until it heals.
I have youth conference in two days. I honestly don't think I can handle being around people.

Words.

"When people show you their true colors, believe them."

Rejection

This week I've started to question my mental state.
Ever since last Sunday when I broke of my friendships with Mr. So-and-so and pretty much the rest of my nerd herd, I've pretty much sat home alone all week. I've lost interest in some things that I used to do. I don't get dressed until about 3:00 in the afternoon, and when it gets to that point I don't even do my hair. I'll go 2 meals without eating and not even notice I'm hungry. I'm not super depressed or anything, just not really myself.
I think of all the fights we had. I think of how even after all of those fights we always stayed friends until two other girls convinced him I wasn't worthy of being his friend... Two girls I introduced him to. I think of how I always used to tell him my favorite songs.  I wonder how long he had been planning to get rid of me. I wonder how many of the things he said were true. I think of how much we used to talk. I think of how I'll never talk to him again. It all eats at my heart.

But even when I'm not thinking about all that happened--or him--that feeling of rejection never goes away.

The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today I didn't wanna hear,
But I knew that it would come.
An old friend of ours was talking on the phone,
She said you found someone.
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through.
And how I lost me and you lost you.

I'm learning to live without you now,
But I miss you sometimes.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again.
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak,
And my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore.

~The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

So Wrong

It was a normal conversation gone wrong.
Very wrong.

We were just talking about random stuff. Then he started bragging that he was so much cooler than me because he did "parkour" once, which I didn't even know what that was. But when I tried to ask him what it was, the conversation turned. He said he wouldn't tell me anything anymore because whenever he tells me things I just "blow up in his face". A few months ago when I said on my blog, "I hate that he treats me like a bomb about to explode any minute", he denied it and said he doesn't. Now he told me that he said that "just to be nice". (Uhm, yeah, that's SO NICE that he lied to my face and led me on for months.)
Later in the conversation I found out who had been cramming those ideas into his head. It was two girls from school who I thought were some of my best friends. Now I find out they just want to get rid of me, and sent him to do it.
What jerks.
When I found out I called Kayla and had the fit of hysterical sobbing that I'd been holding in all evening. All I could think to say was, "It's just so wrong..."

I feel so betrayed. For months I thought him and those two girls cared about me and loved me only to find out that they were waiting for the perfect moment to get rid of me. It was all a big scheme. And all that time of treating me like I was important to them was "just to be nice". Well it would have been a lot nicer if they had ditched me several months ago so I could find some REAL friends.

It's just so wrong.