10:00. I lay in bed, just barely dozing off, when my phone rang. "Hi.." I said quietly, wondering what was up.
"Tessa," my friend started, "I'm mad at you." After asking why she told me the story. (I wrote a blog post about Labor Day, and Ally's mom saw it and Sam isn't allowed at Ally's house anymore.)
"I decided you've been a jerk. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's true," Sam said matter-of-factly. Every sentence lasted an eternity. All I heard was her voice, the voice I've heard since Kindergarten, telling me what a horrible person I am. I felt like I should say something, but at first no words came out. The room felt cold and I began to shiver.
"Uhh... I don't know what to say," I stammered, "I don't feel good, I'm going to bed." I hung up quickly and lay my head on my pillow. I waited for the tears, but none came. I just layed there. Emotionless. Ally texted telling me the story except she wasn't mad at me, just shocked and sad, as I was. While I talked to her I began to bawl. Sobs shook my body. The room in the background was silent, but there was screaming in my ears from the phone call before, "You've been a real jerk."
I let it flow out to Ally, explaining how I've felt all along and how heartbroken I felt now.
After a while of talking we both went to bed, but it was a while before I could sleep. Today I read this post on Sam's blog.
"I hate it when people say things... All I can feel right now it hatred... I know I shouldn't, but why do some people have to be so fricken stupid? I want to scream out, yell at them, tell them that they are stupid and that I never want to see them again. I want them to understand my anger. I want to lash out and be the demon I know I can be. I want them to realize how much they complicate things. I want them to go away and never make trouble again. ...The face that once was everything to me, and now it is close to nothing."
I knew it was about me. There was the ringing in my ears again. Why do you have to be so fricken stupid? I never want to see you again. You mean nothing to me anymore.
I wanted to plug my ears, close my eyes, and make it go away.
I haven't felt so lost and heartbroken and afraid since you-know-who. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will.
hello and goodbye.
2 days ago