Isolation

In my personal opinion, three friends together is, generally speaking, a bad combination. I was excited when I was put in the same Seminary class as two of my besties, but I've come to discover that rather than the three of us together, a lot of the time it's Brenda and Sarah................................ and then me just awkwardly there on the side. At this point in my life I should be a third wheelin' professional. But I guess I'm not as good as I thought because I was really having a hard time with it today. I suffered the entire way through third period and then it was lunchtime. Thursday is FEAST in Seminary, where basically you go during lunch and hear a brief talk. I've been a few times but don't usually go because it's ridiculously crowed. Today my choir teacher was speaking, so I really wanted to go. I asked my friends if they would come with me just this one time. I wasn't asking them to go every week, just today. 

Brenda left the building as soon as the bell rang because of an awkward run-in with her crush. We met up with Ale and the rest of us walked over to the doorway of the room. Sarah and Ale tried to act nice while telling me they were going to ditch me. I acted like it was whatever, but I was really bummed. I just wanted them to come with me to FEAST this one time, but apparently they were so desperate to stalk Ale's crush that they couldn't even take one day off. I walked in the room alone. I saw one empty seat next to a group of some of my acquaintances. Upon sitting down I was told that seat was saved so I stood back up. There wasn't a single empty desk in the room. I timidly walked to the back of the room with my head down and sat in a chair along the wall.

Mr. Durtschi's talk was really good, and I enjoyed it, but the entire time I wished that someone was there with me. In the concluding words of the talk, he talked about how good friends stay by your side and support you and cry with you. I felt like crying, but there was not a single person at my side. 

I silently pouted through my last period and left the school seconds after the bell rang instead of staying after with my friends. I wasn't in the mood to talk to them. I knew I was being stupid, and thought deeply about it on the way home. I recalled other past experiences of third wheelin' days and being let down by friends. Why am I so upset if this has happened before? I thought, Why is it that every time I get over my feelings of loneliness and rejection, they somehow find a way back into my head? I was frustrated by how many times such similar situations have happened and that I felt the same every time. Empty. Withdrawn. Hollow. Isolated. Sad. Why can't I get a grip? Despite these thoughts, I could still feel myself falling apart again.

But then I had a thought. Everyone has their own struggle that they have to learn to deal with and their own temptations they have to push aside. Feeling isolated is a feeling that comes easily to me, and that's just going to be one of my struggles in life. What I have to do now is learn how to deal with it and be prepared to never stop fighting it. It's a personal issue, and it's not up to my friends to fix, it's up to me.

My Devious Mind

Some people are really good at pranks, but I'm not because either I can't be mean enough to play one OR I giggle so much that I give it away. It's so sad.
Well one lovely day during school a few weeks ago, I came up with what I thought was the funniest prank ever. My friends and I all write notes to each other every day. I wrote my friend Brenda a fake note that was really just a folded piece of paper filled with hundreds of tiny shreds of more paper. I was to give the note to Brenda and laugh hysterically as paper exploded in a violent snowstorm all over her while she raged in confetti-covered fury.
How it actually went was this: I handed Brenda the note, practically beaming with anticipation. She opened it, holding it horizontally. She looked down at the small pile of papers on her fake note, looked up at me, and said "What the heck??" I chuckled awkwardly, secretly incredibly bummed that not a single flake of paper had touched Brenda's outfit. I told the entire group friends about my prank and they all laughed at me and the fact that it was the stupidest prank ever.
They thought that was the end of it. But oh, no. This week I was back with a new and improved evil plan, and this time, it was going to work. [insert villianous laughter here]
I have Seminary with Ale. The class period before, in Biology, I wrote her a note. Once again, I shredded tiny pieces of paper. But this time, there was more of them, and I rolled them into tiny little balls so they couldn't clump up. It took an hour, but finally, with my letter carefully folded, my setup was complete. I gave her the letter right after class, but she immediately pocketed it. I was sad I didn't get to see the turnout, so I put my phone on vibrate instead of silent just in case she opened it during Seminary.
For what seemed like forever I was haunted by the image of my prank failing for the second time. I would never live that down. But then, my pocket buzzed. I felt a rush of adrenaline as I opened the message, "YOUR LETTER JUST EXPLODED ALL OVER ME THANKS A LOT" I felt as if I had just won the lottery. I imagined her sitting in her desk, when suddenly, just as I had planned, paper exploded from the note in a violent snowstorm all over her while she raged in confetti-covered fury.  I was so proud and amused at what I had done, that in the effort to stifle outrageous laughter, I had a loud coughing fit in front of the entire class.

...It was so worth it.

Good Day?

Today I had the first good day I've had in a long time. I didn't even have high hopes this morning when I woke up. I thought today was going to be like last week. And last week was NOT a good week. Basically I had this terrible flu that made me unable to breathe 60% of the time (coughing and mucus), a raging headache, and a fever that made me shiver because of freezing temperatures and then two seconds later sweat because it was suddenly boiling hot. I was overwhelmed with school and got really cranky and a little depressed. Not fun.
The point is I didn't see today as being any different, but it was. My cold has calmed down majorly. I had a really fun time in Drawing, I got to actually sing in Choir, and my teachers let me get caught up for the time I was gone in English and math.
But, like all other days, the day usually goes downhill when I get home. There isn't fighting or anything going on in my family, I'm just not super close with anyone who lives in my house. I prefer to be alone most of the time while I'm home. It's a little sad, because I used to like to hang out with my family more. Now I feel like my personality doesn't fit well with theirs, and it's a personality that they're not really used to I guess. They just don't like teenage girls in general. I know that deep down I belong with my family, and I have moments when I can see that, but a lot of the time I feel like I just don't fit in. But that's pretty much a feeling I'm just going to have to get used to because it's everywhere I go.

Anyway. Sorry for the depressing blog posts lately. I write when I need to talk.

Transfer

My best friend Ally goes to Maeser Prep. I still remember, very vividly, the day in eighth grade when she told me she was transferring. We had been inseparable for almost two years and when I found out she was leaving, I cried. During lunch. With everybody staring at me.

Eventually I apologized or not being a supportive friend, but I always secretly hoped she would come back to school with me one day. She promised that she would transfer to Timpanogos in 2012 so we could go to high school together. When she stayed at Maeser, I was bummed all over again. I was scared that we wouldn't be able to stay best friends in high school because of the completely different lives we would lead.

I soon learned that there's not too much you can do to separate real best friends. We've had awkward times and we've gotten jealous of our other friends at school from time to time, but at the end of the day, we're like sisters: no matter how much we annoy each other, we just can't stay mad. By now I've long accepted the idea that we go to different schools and we still hang out almost every weekend.

But today Ally told me that if Timpanogos has a debate team, she might transfer for 11th grade, and it brought me back to when I cried that day in the hallway. I was so afraid. Right now... I feel so hopeful.

Maybe something good will happen in my life this year. 

Ruined

A couple years ago I had it right. I wasn't perfect, and my life wasn't perfect, but I was happy. I was confident with myself and my body. I was close to God and prayed every night. Almost everyone I met I treated as my friend and from that many of them were. I did things that I loved and was passionate about my hobbies. I wrote lots notes to people. I knew who I was and what I wanted to be.
A lot has changed and a lot of things have happened. It's hard. Because every Sunday morning when I can't find any skirts that fit me, and every day as I wander crowded school hallways and still feel so alone, I can't help but wonder, Am I ruined?
I went through this huge transformation in Jr High from a lost little girl to a sure-of-myself tween and apparently it was all for nothing because years later I'm here. It's that beat-up feeling, you know? I feel worn down. Can brown bananas turn yellow again? Can broken vases look the same after glued? Will I stay ruined forever?

Cough Drop

It started with a sore throat. Then a couple days later, a runny nose. A few more days later, an insanely painful earache, and by the end of the week I had a sore throat, a runny nose, an earache, AND pinkeye. I feel like a lot of things in life are like that. Lies, secrets, procrastination, anger, depression... it starts with a sore throat, and by the end of the week every feature of your face is exploding. So I guess the moral is when you have a sore throat... take a cough drop or something.

Contribution

In the moments where everything seems wrong you just feel kind of worthless. Like there's no point in you doing anything or being anywhere. And then there's that moment every once in a while, like for me, today, when a random stranger asks you for help and you help them. That's when you realize that even though your contribution to the world may be small, it's still something. Thousands of bees made that jar of honey you have in your pantry. If each single bee gave up cause they thought they're contribution wasn't enough, your pantry would be a little more empty... and there would be a lot of depressed bees.
What you do probably doesn't change the world, but it makes someone's day sweeter. Maybe they need that today.

Okay

I'm not okay.
I just wanted to say that because all day people ask me how I am and I respond with a cheery, "good!" but sometimes, I am just NOT good at all. And there are moments that I loathe pretending to be so.
I wish I was one of those people that can say, "I had a terrible day, but it's fine now!" but I'm not one of them. So I'm just going to be real for a minute and say that I had a terrible weekend, and it's not really fine. I'm struggling. With secrets, with anger, with sickness, with self-image, with faith, with motivation, and with sadness.
I'm sure I'll be okay later; I'm just not right now.

2013

Ah, the new year.
2012 was definitely not like any other year I've ever had. But I guess every year is like that.
People say, "What comes up must go down." But in that moment where you're sitting in the 20-foot ditch that 2012 threw you in, you really just want to make a new rule that says, "What goes down must come UP."
That'd really be nice for a change.