Isolation

In my personal opinion, three friends together is, generally speaking, a bad combination. I was excited when I was put in the same Seminary class as two of my besties, but I've come to discover that rather than the three of us together, a lot of the time it's Brenda and Sarah................................ and then me just awkwardly there on the side. At this point in my life I should be a third wheelin' professional. But I guess I'm not as good as I thought because I was really having a hard time with it today. I suffered the entire way through third period and then it was lunchtime. Thursday is FEAST in Seminary, where basically you go during lunch and hear a brief talk. I've been a few times but don't usually go because it's ridiculously crowed. Today my choir teacher was speaking, so I really wanted to go. I asked my friends if they would come with me just this one time. I wasn't asking them to go every week, just today. 

Brenda left the building as soon as the bell rang because of an awkward run-in with her crush. We met up with Ale and the rest of us walked over to the doorway of the room. Sarah and Ale tried to act nice while telling me they were going to ditch me. I acted like it was whatever, but I was really bummed. I just wanted them to come with me to FEAST this one time, but apparently they were so desperate to stalk Ale's crush that they couldn't even take one day off. I walked in the room alone. I saw one empty seat next to a group of some of my acquaintances. Upon sitting down I was told that seat was saved so I stood back up. There wasn't a single empty desk in the room. I timidly walked to the back of the room with my head down and sat in a chair along the wall.

Mr. Durtschi's talk was really good, and I enjoyed it, but the entire time I wished that someone was there with me. In the concluding words of the talk, he talked about how good friends stay by your side and support you and cry with you. I felt like crying, but there was not a single person at my side. 

I silently pouted through my last period and left the school seconds after the bell rang instead of staying after with my friends. I wasn't in the mood to talk to them. I knew I was being stupid, and thought deeply about it on the way home. I recalled other past experiences of third wheelin' days and being let down by friends. Why am I so upset if this has happened before? I thought, Why is it that every time I get over my feelings of loneliness and rejection, they somehow find a way back into my head? I was frustrated by how many times such similar situations have happened and that I felt the same every time. Empty. Withdrawn. Hollow. Isolated. Sad. Why can't I get a grip? Despite these thoughts, I could still feel myself falling apart again.

But then I had a thought. Everyone has their own struggle that they have to learn to deal with and their own temptations they have to push aside. Feeling isolated is a feeling that comes easily to me, and that's just going to be one of my struggles in life. What I have to do now is learn how to deal with it and be prepared to never stop fighting it. It's a personal issue, and it's not up to my friends to fix, it's up to me.