It's HOT, I thought Tuesday afternoon as I lay sprawled pathetically over the family room couch, I think I'll go get a drink. I shuffled slowly up the stairs and heard voices from outside. I quieted my footsteps, Who's out there? The voices were talking about someone in my family... the voices were talking about me. And it wasn't "Tessa is amazing," either. The back door opened and the owner of the voice stepped halfway in the house. I casually walked over to the fridge, sipped some water, and left the room quickly.
Why would they say that? I sat down on the living room rocking chair, staring out the window onto the street of our calm cul-de-sac. Everyone thinks she's so much better than me, even she does, I thought, ...but she is. I felt broken, alone. I wanted to get out. I opened the front door with it's eerie creak and threw myself down on the grass. I'm not just inferior to her, I'm myself. I'm me. I'm Tessa. I tried to convince myself that my thoughts were true, but doubt continuously crossed over my mind.
I needed to escape.
I left the yard. I felt like running. I wanted to scream.
But I walked off calmly.
I walked around Timpanogas High School. The quiet, winding roads around the back are a perfect place for thinking.
I soaked in what had happened and let it all settle deep inside me. My eyebrows drew together in a concerned expression. Calm down, Tessa. I let the muscles of my face lay free. The returned to their original positions seconds later. Relax. The word echoed in my mind. Over and over. Relax, relax, relax. Everything would be fine. I loosened my brow once again. Relax.
I sat down on the bleachers. My eyes watered, but I wouldn't let the tears fall.
I stayed at the school for a long time. I didn't want my family to be the victims of my frustration. When I thought I could handle returning home, I started my slow trudge back. All I ever wanted was to be beautiful, to be loved by those around me. I became conscious of my face again. This time I ignored it.
4 weeks ago