Sunday, September 5, 2010

I'm Still Leaping

Last night I had one of those dreams that seemed so real. When I woke up, I wondered if I was still dreaming. I guess that goes to show how thin the line is between reality and my dreams. The days when I'm depressed are the days my dreams go away. The happy days are when my dreams are all around me. The days when someone remembers my name, the days when he talks to me, the days when I get along with my younger brother. This is when I have hope for happiness, that everything will eventually turn out okay. "Real life" is so cruel and painful. I wish I could keep sleeping, in a world where everything happens the way I believe it should.

On one particularly dreamless day, I decided something. I wanted to try to talk to people. I started with my partner in Science class. We talked, soon became friends, and I learned how amazing this girl really is. Now I've been trying to talk more.

But the hardest person to start a conversation with, by far, has been him. We talk online all the time, but in person my sentances are often dishevled and odd. He and I were talking over the internet about being quiet. I said, "I'm almost always quiet. Every time I talk to you it's like a leap of faith."
His next words were, "Well I hope that I can catch you on your leap of faith." My heart fluttered.

The next day at school I thought of the perfect thing to say to him. I failed through History, English, and by the time lunch came I was about to explode with the perfect line..... "I'm leaping."
I even practiced. "I'm leaping... I AM leaping! I'M LEAPINGGG!!!" The line spun around in my head. The minute came when he was standing right behind me. "I'm...lehh--" My throat seemed to freeze up and my voice cracked pathetically. I half turned my head. My hand hovered to tap him... I erged to say my well-rehersed "I'm leaping" but my hand soon dropped limply back down and I just watched the back of his head, the words still swirling through my mind.

I later told him of my failed attempt of "I'm leaping" and he replied with "hahaha that would've been funny" I banged my head on the desk.
"I KNEW it was the perfect line!!!" I said to myeslf, feeling ashamed.

I'm still leaping.

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